** Fair warning that this is a longish post**
Well my weight loss journey has hit a new bump in the road in the form of a book called A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. I have had this book in my arsenal of books to read because I had the pleasure of meeting and hearing Marianne speak a year and a bit ago and it really struck a cord with me. It has been one of the books that I pick up, read the first page, look at the first exercise and that little annoying voice inside my head goes “Nope! No way, Retreat! Retreat!” So the book quickly goes back on the shelf. I have brought it with me on vacation several times and still the same response.
A few weeks back I picked it up and told myself that no matter what I am going to begin this book. I am on Chapter 4, but last week, in Chapter 2, I had to write two letters that were probably the hardest two letters I have ever had to write. The lesson in Chapter 2 “…involves you getting to know, and to love, the part of you that overeats…” and healing the relationship between the part of you that eats wisely and the part that does not. So I wrote my two letters to “Not-Thin Me and Thin Me”, or as I came to call them Fat B*tch and Skinny Cheerleader. As previously stated the point of the exercise is to heal the relationship between these two parts of your psyche. As soon as I finished I felt exposed and vulnerable so what better place to share those letters than here.
Skinny Cheerleader writes to Fat B*tch…
Dear Fat B*tch,
I’ve spent a lot of time and energy into building you, adding layer upon layer of fat and protection. My intent was to protect you from the mean people, places and things in this world and to keep you isolated and alone, so that you never have to experience the ridicule and hurt again. I’ve used you as my out for not acknowledging my greatness. I blame you for my unhappiness and misery. I know you were created out of fear; 1 pizza at a time, 1 pint of ice cream and 1 burger at a time. I’m sorry to say your fat b*tchy ass is being kicked to the curb honey.
The ice cream, treats, sweets and food that you eat in secret won’t win anymore. It’s time to shine some light and love on the darkness from which I shoved you into and you were created. Those kids from elementary and high school don’t deserve your power anymore. You don’t need the protection anymore. It’s time to put down the reason and excuses. It’s time to shine and let love in. It’s time to make those dreams of wearing a bikini a reality. It’s time to let your greatness shine and love spread.
I know at times I’ve done and said some very nasty things about you and I’m sorry. Let’s forgive and love. The fat, sarcasm and disconnect between our mind and heart is time to heal. It’s time to climb more mountains! How about The Chief? Let’s go explore the world wearing smaller clothes. It’s time to wear those cute little dresses and high heels and live the life worthy of us. I’ve given you a lot of power for a lot of years, but no more sister! So let’s work together and make sh*t happen! .
Yours in Love & Light: Skinny Cheerleader
P.S – Skinny taste better than fat, Bob Harper says so!
Fat B*tch responds to Skinny Cheerleader…
Listen hear Skinny Cheerleader,
Take your superhero pom pom’s and shove it! We’ve been here before. You give me some grand speech about letting the greatness shine, but then you disappear, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t jump on this bandwagon at warp speed with you again.
I don’t deny that I’m getting tired of lugging around this extra weight. Trust me pouring it into a pair of jeans isn’t easy. It would be awesome to slip into that cute little dress and heels to go dance the night away. I agree with you, but how can I trust you won’t bail again?
I’ve spent a lot of time curled up on the couch secretly eating because it’s safer here. It’s less scary. I’m having a hard time letting go. Letting go of the belief that life doesn’t have to be hard; that it’s ok to let love in doesn’t happen overnight. I’m having a hard time trusting you, trusting us, trusting that we can do it. I’m getting there, it’s just hard to hang out on a cliff or ledge not knowing how it’s gonna turn out.
You’ve been a pain in my gigantic ass most of this year and I’m glad you’ve stuck around longer than normal and I’m sorry for recently trying to stuff you away with ice cream and pizza. I’m getting there, but working “together” is hard for someone that likes to do everything alone. So seriously, put down the pom pom’s I’ve got some vegetables and fruit in the fridge and I’m trying to meet you halfway.
Coming towards the light: Fat B*tch
P.S – Everyone knows Jillian Michaels is the sh*t!