|Thank you Google Images for the photo|
As I have shared previously I am making my way through a very confronting book, A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It’s never a mistake that an hour after posting on my blog about Forgiveness I pick up this book to continue reading and this chapter is too about forgiveness.
This chapter talks about our deepest fear is one of being acknowledged as beautiful, that the idea of being healthy and skinny frightens me. For the first time in a long time this is one fear I won’t deny. I think about being healthy and having this body I have seen in my mind’s eye before but truth of the matter is, I don’t know how to navigate the world being that. I know how to navigate the world being a plus size girl. I know how to navigate comments, doorways, airplane seats, etc. I don’t know how to handle or what the world would be like as a skinnier version of me. The chapter continues to talk about trusting that you are strong enough to handle being beautiful and trusting that the world is not a dangerous place.
This chapter took a little digesting and as a result the exercise in the chapter is to write an apology letter, so once again what better place to share this than here…
Fat B*tch Apologizes…
Dear Skinny Cheerleader,
I know that I haven’t been the nicest person to you. Stuffing you away with all the food and trying to ignore the fact that you exist. I’ve never actually seen you because I started to get heavy at such an early age so it’s hard to believe you really exist. Although, I’m certain I’ve seen glimpses of you in the mirror and it did make me smile. I want to love you, but the consumption of fear at time is overwhelming and the eating of food so easy. I’m hoping, praying and trying to trust that if I stay the course I’m on, you’ll be revealed. With the help of my trainers, my friends and some Divine guidance I will embrace all the love that you are. I’m sorry.
Bare With Me,
Skinny Cheerleader Responds…
Dear Fat B*tch,
I’m right here, pom pom’s in hand. Ready when you are.
Ready to be Exposed,
P.S – Yes that was me you saw in the mirror.