Fat B*tch’s Apology to Skinny Cheerleader…

Thank you Google Images for the photo

As I have shared previously I am making my way through a very confronting book, A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It’s never a mistake that an hour after posting on my blog about Forgiveness I pick up this book to continue reading and this chapter is too about forgiveness.

This chapter talks about our deepest fear is one of being acknowledged as beautiful, that the idea of being healthy and skinny frightens me. For the first time in a long time this is one fear I won’t deny. I think about being healthy and having this body I have seen in my mind’s eye before but truth of the matter is, I don’t know how to navigate the world being that. I know how to navigate the world being a plus size girl. I know how to navigate comments, doorways, airplane seats, etc. I don’t know how to handle or what the world would be like as a skinnier version of me. The chapter continues to talk about trusting that you are strong enough to handle being beautiful and trusting that the world is not a dangerous place.

This chapter took a little digesting and as a result the exercise in the chapter is to write an apology letter, so once again what better place to share this than here…
Fat B*tch Apologizes…
Dear Skinny Cheerleader,
                I know that I haven’t been the nicest person to you. Stuffing you away with all the food and trying to ignore the fact that you exist. I’ve never actually seen you because I started to get heavy at such an early age so it’s hard to believe you really exist. Although, I’m certain I’ve seen glimpses of you in the mirror and it did make me smile. I want to love you, but the consumption of fear at time is overwhelming and the eating of food so easy. I’m hoping, praying and trying to trust that if I stay the course I’m on, you’ll be revealed. With the help of my trainers, my friends and some Divine guidance I will embrace all the love that you are. I’m sorry.
                                                                                                Bare With Me,
                                                                                                                Fat B*tch
Skinny Cheerleader Responds…
Dear Fat B*tch,
                I’m right here, pom pom’s in hand. Ready when you are.
                                                                                Ready to be Exposed,
                                                                                                Skinny Cheerleader
                P.S – Yes that was me you saw in the mirror. 
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Forgiveness…

Being home in Vernon always proves to be an interesting experience for me. It’s kind of like returning to the scene of the crime. Vernon is the city I grew up in, the city that I gained a majority of my weight in. The city where I formed many opinions and judgements about myself based on what others said and did. I have been here for a few days and the word that keeps popping into my mind is forgiveness. Forgive those whose words I allowed to torment me and forgive myself for choosing food as my coping strategy.

Forgiving myself would then mean accepting myself as perfect, exactly the way I am. I think that is one of the hardest lessons of all too truly learn and breathe into your core. I am whole exactly the way I am. I am beautiful exactly the way I am and I am perfect exactly the way I am. We spend mountains of time telling ourselves all the things we do wrong, all the things we need to change, fix and make better and we forget to appreciate exactly where we are.

I know as humans we like to make forgiving someone one of the hardest tasks possible. It feels like if I forgive the kids in high school for their torment and comments I am somehow excusing their behavior  but I know this isn’t true. When I really look at this, it is myself that I really need to forgive. I chose eating food as a way of dealing with the emotions I felt around their words and actions. If I forgive them I have to forgive myself. By doing this I continue to repair the unhealthy relationship I have with food.

Making mistakes and choices that don’t turn out like we thought is hard to accept, but making them is part of being human. So if I know that no matter what I am going to keep making them, why not learn from them move on because making the same mistake over and over again…no longer an option. 

This video seems to perfectly describe my journey, so I thought “Of course I am going to share it with you guys!” Amazing voice, amazing lady!