Changes…

It has been awhile since I have posted something, I apologize, but there has been a lot going on.  Thank you for your patience and it is the sheer joy of writing that has brought me back to help me through this difficult time.

Hmmm, I find myself not really knowing where to start, so I will just dive right in. I am facing some health issues that have been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. To say I have been stressed and losing sleep would be an understatement. I am not quite yet prepared to talk about them, but give me time, I eventually will when I have all the answers I need and a course of action to begin correcting the issue. I have seen two different Dr’s and I have an appointment this week with another. Now before those reading this jump to the far worst possible thing, on a scale of 1-10 of seriousness, in my head it’s a 9, but in reality it’s about a 4-5.

My DadSecondly, my father passed away just under a month ago. His passing has not been easy to try and get a handle on, but I have discovered that all you can do is take it one day at a time. My father was ill. He was an alcoholic and he was suffering from liver failure, but he was not seeking help for either. The coroner and the police were involved in my father’s passing due to the nature of it. The coroner told us that he fell, hit his head, but his liver and heart gave out before he could bleed out.  His neighbours were accustomed to seeing him daily and hadn’t seen him for a few days so they called the police. They estimated that my father was dead from 2-3 days before his body was discovered. My brother, mother and I then had to go to his apartment and see what we could salvage. To see the amount of blood, the smell….it is something that I will never forget.  While processing my father’s passing, a very close family friend lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed with and past from cancer in a matter of 3.5 weeks.  Life is dealing me a heavy hand at the moment.

Figuring out how to live my life without my father and with these health concerns is different. I admit to becoming a wee bit of a hermit. I have my good days and my bad. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having a mini meltdown, then I am fine again. I am easily frustrated, can cry at the drop of a hat and I am processing a level of anger that I have never experienced before.  What has me get out of bed is that every morning I wake up and I remember that I have friends and family that love me, a roof over my head, food in my fridge and there are people living in the world that are not so lucky and suffering from far worse situations than me.

My trainer Emilia could tell that my session was a difficult one for me this morning and I was not being the most chipper person, she asked me what made me happy and for the first time in my life I couldn’t think of one thing that made me happy, at the end of my session she said to do something fun today. Saw my family doctor this afternoon and he told me to be gentle with myself and to do something for me today. As I was heading home I realized that I love to write and I have missed it. For me this is an inexpensive form of therapy and in a small way makes me feel like I am not alone.

Changes have begun and I thank you for your patience and the messages that I have been missed; I am back and becoming a new version of me…

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