Without My Dad…

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A great photo taken by my Uncle Ken – my Dad & my Grandpa

This coming Monday will mark the day one year ago that I received the news that my father had left this earth to go be in heaven with my Grandpa.

This year has defiantly been different. I was in Canadian Tire the other day trying to find the fuse to fix the plug in my stove. I was struggling with which one, how much power etc… and I pulled out my phone to call my dad and then the tears welled up in my eyes. I realized while watching a tv show that I won’t have my father to walk me down the aisle when I get married. I experienced Father’s Day, Christmas and his birthday for the first time this year without him. There has been the few times I grabbed my phone to call him which again resulted in tears being shed.  Yesterday and today have been a bit harder for me than I thought they would. At work I have made some quick trips to the bathroom when I feel the tears starting, I also just don’t feel like I have a lot of energy. They say the first year is the hardest and that it gets easier each day and each holiday that passes.

Having a conversation with my mom last night made a difference. One year ago is the day my father found peace.

Dad I love you, I miss you and I know that you and Grandpa are watching from above.

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Peeling the Layers….

IMG_9745416901369_Lucas_Vignette_SmokeI have a bit of a messed up relationship in the food department, as I have been sharing recently. I learnt how to deal with life through food.

Growing up I had a pretty great childhood, my parents did everything they could to ensure that my brother and I had everything that we needed. It wasn’t until I was faced with my best friend moving away to Saskatchewan around grade 5 did I begin to get my first taste of “life isn’t fair.” How did I cope with her moving? I ate. How did I know to use food at such a young age? I watched my mother cover her feelings with food. You do what you see.

Then as the weight started to appear the bullying at school began and so did the constant consuming of food. I used food to make myself feel better. Happy, I ate. Sad, I ate. Angry, I ate. Confused, I ate. Didn’t matter the emotion I ate. Instead of feeling what I was feeling and processing the emotions, I ate. Eating was the only constant in my life, food the only real friend.

Since sharing with all of you about my addiction to food I have begun to notice a shift, especially over the last two weeks. I feel as if I am starting to wake up a little bit. I am not getting the same “relief” or “satisfaction” that I used to get after eating or what I have since discovered is binge eating. The temporary window of gratification is not there. I have begun to ask myself “Why am I in the kitchen? Genuinely hungry or avoiding something? Thirsty?” I leave the kitchen and occupy my time with something more productive (like writing this post!).  I have walked through the grocery store, headed to the till and turned around and emptied my basket, replacing them with food that truly nourishes my body. I have stopped in the middle of a binge eating episode and thrown out all the food.

I know that this journey is only just finally beginning and that there are more good times and more challenging times ahead, I am scared, excited, nervous and everything else in between…..

Hope you stay tuned….