I am a recovering perfectionist/control freak. I make no qualms about or try to hide that and…sometimes when a lot of change is being thrown at me, my normal way of operating has been to withdraw, hide, eat and shut out the world until things go back to the way they were…well that doesn’t work anymore, I also have no desire to do that, which is probably the biggest win of all….
All the great things that are happening, I want them. I am tired of being afraid of life, afraid of what might happen or could happen. I am tired of believing that my life won’t start until I lose the weight I want to lose. Yesterday a blog post I wrote earlier in the week was shared by someone on social media with an amazing write up that put me in the same sentence as Ellen DeGeneres and I nearly had a heart attack. I instantly wanted to send her a message that my name and Ellen’s name do not belong in the same sentence. More traffic was driven to my blog than ever before…we are talking thousands…. and I instantly started to panic. That annoying little voice of “my blog looks like crap” “I don’t have my Facebook page up” started and really started to gain speed. I left work and spent the next few hours in utter frustration trying to make changes, but I am not computer/tech savvy in anyway shape or form and Google was only getting me so far. This was a really great thing to have happen and I found myself trying to find ways to make it go away or discount the greatness of it. I have had some great success in making huge improvements in my eating, saying goodbye to some inches and being able to walk away from foods that I would normally eat (doughnuts in the office, etc…). I need to celebrate this, not discount it and ignore it!
Life will always happen. I refuse to cave to it anymore. I will start to say yes to life and do what I have to do to make things happen. Simple as that. Anxiety has crept in a bit this week and instead of me not caving to my normal coping strategies I believe it is now showing up in the form of insomnia. On the flip side…my apartment is really clean and doing laundry in my building at 3am means I get all the machines to myself! Tonight I have a session with my trainer and I am determined to have that wear me out so that my body has no choice but to sleep 🙂