Cocky…

Office view...it's ok to be jealous :)

Office view…it’s ok to be jealous 🙂

Spring has defiantly arrived in Vancouver! We have had some seriously amazing weather, quite a bit of blue skies and sunshine! Yes I may have a pretty amazing view from my office at work (it’s ok to be a little jealous!). Cherry blossoms are starting and you can just smell spring in the air. I know the rest of the country is being rocked with some freezing temperatures and have heard the terms “snowmaggedon” and “snowpocalypse” being thrown around….but….if you don’t live on the west coast….ce est la vie!

This week has been an interesting one. I will not be weighing in this week with Weight Watchers and I have known this since last Saturday. Tomorrow is jam packed with appointments and work with some amazingly fun people. Hey! If you are in Vancouver and looking for an wicked, fun show to go to, come see Chronixx at The Imperial…oh wait you can’t because he is epic and it’s sold out! But…..there may be some tickets at the door, so come see me anyways! Alas I sidebar….can you tell I am excited for tomorrow!

So….I was determined this week that despite not going to weigh in and attending the meeting I was not going to let that deter me. Well…somewhere around Tuesday afternoon this little voice in my head said “F*ck it! You’ll be fine if you just stray a little…come on…” And since then my days have been met with an overage of points and a cookie that upon calculation was a shameful amount of points. Here is the positive in all of this….I know that through this journey there will be back days/weeks/periods of time. I know that like things that are important to me, you have to schedule. 9:00am-10:00am Saturdays now has a permanent appointment in my calendar. The accountability of Weight Watchers, attending those meetings and knowing that someone is going to be writing down how your week was…WORKS! I got a bit cocky having had 2 successful weeks.

I woke up this morning….missing my boyfriend terribly because he has been so ill, upset about not having had the best week with eating, tired from crappy sleeps throughout the week and just a general not wanting to get out of bed. Like most people first thing in the morning I rolled over, grabbed my phone and saw my screen saver and it was a reminder “Unless you puke, faint or die…KEEP GOING!” I kicked off the covers and was up and having an early morning dance party with Beyonce before heading to work.

You can miss your boyfriend, not have eaten great, not have had a great sleep and be dealing with all the things that life is throwing at you, but you are the only that chooses your attitude and how you respond to it. You are 100% responsible for your attitude and approach to life, so check yourself when you are miserable because it is only your own fault and you can change it in an instant!

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And…in case you need a little pick me up….

#PinkItForward & #ERASEBullying….

Forgiveness...There probably isn’t a person on the planet that can’t look back and think about a time that they were at the effect of a bully. We all know that bullying happens anywhere, anytime to anyone. Bullies themselves are usually the result of bullying by a parent, sibling or kid at school…none of this makes it ok.

I spent the better part of my elementary and high school years being bullied by a small, but at the time, powerful group of kids.   I remember eating my lunch one day with my friend, sitting behind the teacher’s desk. This group of kids came in and they were talking about me. They were talking about how I would never amount to anything; I was going to be miserable my whole life and I would never get out of the small town I lived in. I remember thinking in that moment that they must be right because they are the cool kids, what did I know. I remember looking at my friend and thinking my life will never be the same. There was the time I was invited to go shopping and left standing at the meeting spot. There was the cruel joke played on me at the Grade 6 dance and countless other instances where I was reminded on a regular basis how worthless I was.

I coped with this by eating. I remember taking in and believing to my core that what these kids were saying was true. I turned into a teacher’s pet. I would do things in the office or other classroom’s at lunch and recess to avoiding being around other kids, to avoid the bullying. When I became friends with other girls I was usually the “doormat” and was treated pretty poorly by some people that called themselves “my friend.” So I ate. I ate to stuff the emotions of feeling worthless deep down inside.  My weight for me has been all about protection. If I am overweight then people don’t want to be my friend or don’t want to date me because I am the “fat girl.” I can avoid ever feeling the feelings I felt in school by keeping myself safe and protected.

Every day there are people that face the effects of a bully; they are labeled “unique”, “weird”, or “different” because of how they act, look or talk. There is also someone out there watching this happen. To this day, I struggle with those feelings from time to time. I have done a lot of work personally to move past those feelings and repair the damage I have done to my body as a result. There was no one that stood up for me just like there is no one standing up for the person you see being treated poorly. It needs to end and people need to stop being afraid.

Embrace what is unique, weird and different about you, because that is what makes you who you are. Don’t ever hide or shy away from that. If you are a victim of bullying, don’t tolerate it, don’t believe what they tell you and don’t be afraid to do something about it. Never miss the opportunity to make a difference for yourself or someone else.

Yup, Nope, Yup, Nope…Oi!

IMG_20150221_094323_resizedLast week was an interesting week for me….emotionally and mentally. No matter what I did, I could no shake this feeling of insecurity, anger, resentment, worry and annoyance. I was a peach to work with….just ask my co-worker V….poor guy. I believe it to be the big ol’ universe testing my resolve.

The week began and by the end of Monday I was convinced it was just the day and work and so I began to eat my way through Monday and come the evening I had had enough. I woke Tuesday with the determination that no matter what the day or week through at me food was not going to have a role. If I was angry then I felt angry. If I was annoyed then I was annoyed. If I was insecure then I was insecure. I did my best to feel the emotions experience and then let them go. If there is one thing I am clear on…this journey of weight loss….all mental. Each day last week was like my Monday. I felt more emotion this last week than I have in the last 3 years. I spent a majority of the evenings crying. Yup, I sat on the couch and cried, but I did not eat. I wrote in my journal I spoke with the occasional friend, but the common theme was to feel the emotions. Talk about uncomfortable! I was raised to stuff those suckers down….way down….with food. Bubbling to the surface is all of these emotions.

Waking up Saturday morning I had no idea what was going to show up on that scale, but I had set the goal of 3lbs and so when I stepped on the scale I was quite happy to see the loss of 2.6, bringing my totally for two weeks to a loss of 6.4lbs!

When I look back on last week there are a couple of celebrations. I didn’t use food to make it through the week. I stuck with my points, used some of my weekly extra points, but I didn’t eat to escape the emotion. I received a really amazing email from someone on a hit show on the TLC network which sent me over the moon. I am using that amazing message as a sign to keep going….the universe is a funny little bug. I truly do believe that the universe (God, Buddha, Ala, whatever you want to label it) has a plan, you have to make the decision moment to moment to move towards what you want or away from what you want. Moving away has gotten me here, so time to get uncomfortable and move towards what I want, fears and all.

Goal this week: WATER! I need to do some serious work around my hydration. This week my goal is 2L of water a day!

Me...to a T....lol

Me…to a T….lol

2 cents…

a9d3c6e6423b9b5c1056bf19d0891e46_resizedOwning my shit with yet another hot button….if there is one thing that I am learning along this journey it is that the minute I share with someone about what I am up to I am then having all sorts of facts, opinions and comments about articles they read, thrown at me. I am faced with stories about what worked for their mom, aunt, uncle, co-worker or I am being told that juicing is bad, be sure to do this, be sure to do that…..it gets a bit much.

I also have a tendency to get a tad defensive on this topic. For the longest time I would get SUPER agro- irritated whenever anyone would ask me how it was going in this area. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone…the reason….because I was failing at it and didn’t want to acknowledge it. I didn’t like it when people acknowledged me when I had lost weight and I didn’t want people to ask me how it was going. If they did I would get my back up. You can ask anyone around me, my mother, my dear friends….they will confirm all of this.

This is me not owning my shit. This whole journey is about admitting when you f**k up, owning it, not letting it stop you, picking yourself up and moving forward. Every human has a difficult time admitting when they have failed at something. There are a lot of emotions like shame and embarrassment that come with failing and those don’t go away overnight.

I have an amazing support structure around and although I know this is a hot button for me I remind myself….they are sharing because they care and want to contribute, they want to help. I believe that part of what has made me become ok with this…sharing this with you and writing.

I read this great article on Facebook this morning by Elizabeth Gilbert and I wanted to share…

“At some point in your life, you really have to get honest about the weirdest and most damaged and most broken parts of your existence, and take responsibility for it all…lovingly, but unblinkingly. Or, as Iyanla Vanzant puts it: “I know my crazy. Do you know your crazy?” You gotta know your own crazy. Can’t own your shit without knowing your crazy. For many years, I didn’t own my shit because I didn’t KNOW my shit. If you don’t know your shit, people, then that shit will control you and make your life into Crazy Town. Until you own your shit, all you do is make excuses for the madness that is always surrounding you, while throwing blame around like confetti.”

Owning the parts of me that are broken and damaged and then repairing them.

Tickled Pink….

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This weekend I didn’t get half the things accomplished that I wanted too, but I did a couple things that were well worth scrapping the ol’ to do list!

I had my first weigh in with Weight Watchers bright and early Saturday morning. I was so nervous! Ladies, you will understand this….that week before your “visitor” arrives and you are retaining more water than the Hoover Dam….you want to eat everything in sight and you can go from an angel to the devil in less than 3 seconds flat….that was what I was battling my first week on the program. I was hoping for 4lbs and I lost 3.8lbs! I was tickled pink! I was very happy with my first week. For me, it is the weekly accountability of having to step on that scale and knowing that there was going to be one other person that sees it…kept me going throughout the week. When I was struggling I reached out to a few peeps that I knew could talk me off the ledge. I am excited to see what the second week brings!

It is really easy to get bogged down in the reasons and excuses for not taking action or moving an area of your life forward that you want. For the longest time I had some really great reasons and excuses for my weight. I always thought I needed to know “why?” Why did I need to eat? Why did I have to use food as a way to cope? Why? Why? Why? Why? Until that one moment Feb 2, I was sitting at home after visiting my Dr. and I simply said “I don’t care why anymore.” I just started to take the actions and the mental switch seemed to flip for me. I battled cravings last week, but for the most part the decisions to eat healthy and exercise was easy and the days they weren’t I asked for support. I know that there are going to be weeks where I gain or don’t lose as much as I had planned, but I also know that I am going to acknowledge and be ok with those weeks because I am prepared for them. Being prepared is the key…

My goal this week is…being prepared. My meals and gym bag prepped the night before, that way nothing is left to chance. I have amazing people at work and in my life that when I say “I am struggling” they step up and I am so grateful. This week being prepared and removing my excuses for not exercising at least 30 minutes a day and not staying within my points value is not even an option.

What is one thing you are celebrating from last week? What is your goal this week?

 

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I Am Gonna Hurl…..

1e2ca-114208540520948766_ib8gaeq8_cSo having an extra day off this week threw me off with my writing, so apologies, I have missed you all!

I am going to do something in this post that I have never done before, vulnerable moment….my request is you be kind and if you feel the urge to post a mean comment…don’t be a troll and move along 🙂

Everything is changing in different parts of my life, for the better, and I am handling all the change in good ways – working out instead of eating mostly – which is a huge win for me and I want to continue to move forward….

There are 2 things that I fear the most – my measurements and weight. I am someone that gets very attached to the “numbers” of weight loss and if I don’t have a week I “thought” I did it usually resulted in my taking those numbers and beating myself repeatedly with them. So I told myself a lie that went something like “I am too attached to numbers, so I am not going to keep track of those and just focus on how I feel.” Well we all know how that resulted, see this post from last week (click here) or this one (click here). So I decided to do something different. I had some great success with Weight Watchers previously so on Saturday I registered again and attended my first meeting. I was nervous and a bit shy, but there were some really great people that went out of their way to talk to me and give me little tips and tricks, it was great! So every Monday I will share my weight loss, good or bad, with you!

As a form of accountability I am going to share with you some current numbers. I am not quite ready to share my actual weight with you, still a bit of shame there, I will get there eventually, but for now this is my compromise. I was going to share with you my measurements and current photos that I took, but I forgot to take the photos, so today just some measurements. I will share some photos on Monday! I know that although the weight may not go down…the inches will. I know there will be plateaus and setbacks, but that is why I am sharing this. This is my journey and I want to share the progress good or bad, with you.  I know that sometimes because I am so hard on myself I don’t see it, so hoping that by doing this and writing down the numbers will open my eyes! So here we go…

Chest: 47” / Waist: 49” / Hips: 60” (thank you genetics) / R. Thigh: 34” / R. Calf: 19 ¾”

Writing those numbers makes me want to throw up, but I know they are also giving me the motivation I need to move forward and not stay here ANYMORE!

Also, missed my goal for this week, which has been to track for 4/7 days. I am finding the Weight Watchers mobile app FRUSTRATING to use. I mean they are a multi-billion dollar company and you can’t invest the money to have your app be equal to or superior to MyFitnessPal! I am getting the hang of it though and am right on track.

So…tell me….what is your goal for the remainder of the week? What is one thing you are going to change to move forward this week?

A Lie I Have Been Telling…

LiesYesterday I was home from work not feeling terribly well, battling yet another cold. Later in the afternoon I headed off to see my Doctor for the second time this week. After confirming that I have a run of the mill cold that will probably get worse before it gets better and should stay in bed he thought it would be great to continue our conversation from Monday regarding my weight and my weight loss goals. I was asked to step on the scale….

You know those lies you tell yourself? “I am ok, all my pants still fit” but you ignore that muffin top that is starting to form. You ignore that fact that your closet is becoming increasingly more divided between “What fits now” and “What will fit again really soon.” Or you tell yourself “I’ve been good today, this one treat will be ok” only to discover that if you sat down and wrote it out you have had a treat every day for the last 2 weeks. You come up with all these ways to make yourself feel better and ignore the facts that are right in front of you. Stepping on a scale forces you to acknowledge all those lies you have told yourself and it was worse than I thought.

I did everything I could to keep it together, but the fact was tears were right there the minute I walked through my front door. The difference this time was that although I was crying I was apologizing to myself at the same time. I had one sentence going over and over in my head “I am sorry I have lied and I am sorry I have done this.” I told myself I had the afternoon to throw my pity party, but that was it.

What lies have you been telling yourself to cope with changes in your life that you don’t want to acknowledge? Are you ready to apologize and do something about it?