So after making a declaration as I did recently, the universe has a funny way of having you start to see the different areas of your life where you have not been operating in the greatest manner. This past few weekends have been filled up with family visiting, time with girlfriends and lots of summer time activities. As happens with dear friends and my mother, the topic of boys, men and the world of dating naturally comes up. Having this past weekend to myself something became very clear…
I have been using men as a distraction to what was really going on inside my head and my with my body, much like I did with food. I would date men to fill a void or to validate myself, to make me feel whole, like a part of me was missing. Let me tell you this leads to dating some pretty interesting men. I’ve dated drug users, alcoholics, douchebags, toolbags and men that were in some pretty unique arrangements or living situations with their recently significant others. I have tolerated men saying some pretty mean and hurtful things to me in and out of the bedroom, things they may not have realized were hurtful or they did and didn’t care, either way I took it. I have dated men that worship a fuller figure and let me tell you, 90% of the time it is because of their own insecurities. The common theme with them all….none were emotional or mentally available! This doesn’t come as a big surprise, neither was I, despite the best lie I would tell myself. Well….not anymore.
As I start to process the life I have built inside of shame and work on removing those feelings I will be taking a hiatus from dating and relationships. Loving myself whole and complete is my number one priority and until I can do that, no man will be able to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because I am discovering what exactly that looks like.
Let me be clear, this is not a post intended to “man bash” or discredit some of the men that I have dated, that I know are reading this. Every human being in the world has their “stuff” to deal with, no one is perfect and we are all our own unique individuals. We processes our lives the best way we know how. You and I together at that time was not a fit, the friendships we have now, may change slightly and that’s ok. No one knows what the future holds!
A happily single EverShrinkingDiva signing out 😉