I will be the first to admit that yesterday morning I was feeling a bit cocky. I was feeling confident and had the attitude of “I got this challenge in the bag!” Wow was I brought down a few notches last night…..
I work for a pretty amazing staffing/recruitment company. I get to spend my days matching my clients up with really great new employees. The president of our company arrived in town from Toronto yesterday, so it was off for drinks and appies after work to mingle. As someone who is currently not drinking or eating food that I previously used to binge on, I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I had the thought of “I did a juice cleanse last weekend, it CAN NOT be as hard as that was!” Boy was I wrong.
I arrived with the first group of people and was feeling confident and strong in my choice of soda water with lime. I had had a glance at the menu and quickly realized that even the salad would require quite a few modifications to make it workable but, I didn’t think we were going to be there long. Once the president arrived a bunch of appies were ordered. There was nacho’s, calamari, wings, cheese bread, dry ribs and the list could go on. The president, who was sitting right next to me, asked me why I wasn’t eating. So I politely explained to him that I am choosing to create a healthier version of myself and the food they were eating doesn’t serve that. I got the usual “Good for you!” and then another co-worker asked me why I couldn’t just have a little…..do you know how difficult it is to explain to someone why “just a little” currently doesn’t exist in your world? It was the first time I got up close and personal with my food addiction. I caught myself distracted from the conversation, staring at the food…hardcore staring…like I was a matador staring down a prized bull! 2.5 hrs in I was at my limit, I was really hungry, feeling social awkward…it was time to go home.
Here is what I wasn’t expecting. I walked to the skytrain and I could feel emotion welling up in my chest. As soon as I say down on the skytrain….OH BOY….did those tears start flowing. Out comes the sunglasses, to cover the tears, and my phone. The lady sitting next to me was kind enough to hand me a tissue and a I proceeded to have a conversation with the bestie. The tears were an emotional release, facing your food addiction and not letting in win, took more power that I didn’t believe I had. By the end of my conversation with her I was present to a level of confidence that I had never had before. I had literally stared my addiction in the face and told it to “F*CK OFF!” That is the kind of confidence that I want to experience in all areas of my life and last night was the first taste of that.
By the time I got home at 8:30 last night, I had a little dinner, sat down on the couch and woke up at 3am, moved to my bed for a few more hours of sleep. This morning I am present to puffy eyes and a few ways I could have handle last night a little differently. I couldn’t have requested a modified salad without the worry of feeling guilty, I could have had a protein bar in my bag to combat the low blood sugar, which I am sure fed into the overage of tears!
I know that this is a journey and last night was one step in the direction towards my future.