I was silly enough to think that I might come out of the mental side of weight loss not having to face any reasons as to why I had gained the weight, that I was going to simply have to address my self-control issues. The first few weeks of this journey that was what I was beginning to get comfortable with until my show down last week at a company function, that was when the walls started to crack. Click here if you would like to go back and read that post to get caught up. It started over the weekend with the appearance of my little black thundercloud last weekend and then it hit me like a ton of bricks Monday afternoon and there have been a few tearful conversations with the bff. What do you do with yourself once you remove food and binge eating as your coping mechanism? You actually have to sit down and face, work through, push through, and heal the reasons why you started eating. This is where I get quite personal, so if this stuff makes you comfortable stop reading…
I have always been a little left of center, awkward, never felt like I fit in anywhere. I say the wrong thing 95% of the time, sometimes creating weird looks and uncomfortable pauses. I don’t do well in large group situations because I know that I saw dumb stuff, so I tend to go quite. I know that right now you may be thinking ” we all saw dumb stuff.” Yes, we defiantly do some more than others…I tend to lean towards the extreme. It also doesn’t help that I am quite sensitive. I tend to take things far to personal and that puts of a lot of extra pressure and stress on myself.
I have done a lot of personal development work. Lord knows there are enough programs, books and audio tapes out there that can help you deal with your “stuff.” One of the programs I found the most effective for me was the Landmark Forum by Landmark Education. Like all programs/books I am a fan of what I call the “shopping cart” method. They will say things that work for you, that goes in your shopping cart, and things that you don’t identify with or agree with, those stay on the shelf. There was one part of that 3 day course that I never quite got until this week. It is the driving force, that one point in your life where you made a decision about yourself, inside your head, and you have been living it since. You see people have this moment all the time on The Biggest Loser and Extreme Weight Loss, that moment when they finally say out loud the reason they are the way they are. I got mine loud and clear this week and it has provided that second “click” in the puzzle of my weight loss journey.
I am awkward, alone and nobody likes me. I had this best friend growing up, Nicole (in fact she is probably reading this because through the wonders of Facebook we found each other again). She lived two blocks over, we were born a little over a month apart and there was a period of time we were inseparable. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. Her and her parents moved to Saskatchewan so that he dad could become a police officer. I remember watching their blue truck drive away and saying ” I am all alone now.” What unfolded from there was never really feeling like I fit in, so I started eating. Trying to make new friends was awkward when you say dumb stuff. Then on top of that you add the bullying in school (nobody likes me), which brought more eating and I began to stuff the feelings with food instead of dealing with it. Even typing this I can feel the tears start to well up. It is funny how one situation that happens to so many people can have a different effect on someone.
Since getting that little nugget of information earlier this week and being able to put it into actual words last night there is a sense of relief, moving into acceptance. There has been situations that have come up at work and I find myself wanting to eat, almost as if I go on autopilot. I can see it. At work I am feeling awkward and last night on the skytrain ride home I was cataloguing what I wanted to eat and there was nothing on that list that was good for me. I caught myself and was able to interrupt the behavior and pattern. I feel a little bit like that baby that has been flying around the internet lately, who’s parents put glasses on her for the first time and she see’s clearly….the decisions I have made from schooling, to work, to friends, to relationships all make sense.
Now….here is the trap. It is easy to get stuck here, become complacent and not move passed this. This is not where I will stay. What do I do now? I grow, no matter how uncomfortable and awkward it feels. I am not alone. I have some pretty great friends and family. So what, I am awkward and say dumb stuff sometimes. If I offend someone I will apologize. Each day I get better with acceptance and love for myself. Doing the exercises in Molly’s “Love Your Body Challenge” in conjunction with this person 30 day challenge have helped me realize the wander and awesomeness that is my body. My post last month about not willing to feel or tolerate shame anymore continues. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me. If I have said or done something to offend someone, I will own that and clean it up. If you don’t like me because of all my posts about my journey or because I say/do dumb stuff sometimes, that makes you judgmental, which is fine we are all entitled to our opinions, but says more about you than it does me.
I am feeling free and more open to life than I ever have before. I feel empowered and a sense of confidence that I have never experienced before. I am ferocious for knowledge and am determined to make sound decisions that revolve around facts, not guidance based on social media. I purchased the latest edition of BC Business, it is a magazine. This type of magazine used to PUT ME TO SLEEP, my bff reads them all the time! I would have never bought a copy….EVER….Wednesday, I bought it and have read it cover to cover, I want more information. I want information and tools that are going to move me forward in life. I have goals and plans that for the first time I don’t doubt that they will happen I know they will. I am coming at my bucket list baby!
Yesterday was Day 25….I have gone 25 days without cookies, cake, pizza, chips, candy or any of the other foods I used to binge it eat. I have also gone 25 days without binge eating. The longest I have ever gone. I am not crazy enough to tell myself that it will never happen again or that I won’t ever eat those things again. I am sure I will, but this time it will be on my terms, not because I am avoiding dealing with or trying to stuff something.
Game on peeps!