So It Ends…

PhotoGrid_1437576536520Last night I left work late again, but off to complete some cardio so that I can say I finished this 30 day challenge strong. My goal was 50mins of cardio and I tapped out at 45mins, yes 5 mins left and I won’t go into details as to why, just trust me when I say it wasn’t going to happen….lol. My body is sore, so very sore. Getting out of bed this morning took a 30min conversation with myself, convincing myself that I won’t die from pain by using my muscles. I have muscles, which I never knew existed, screaming at me. Today will most defiantly be a rest day. I need to listen to my body and have a date with my foam roller tonight.

Yesterday I went over my calories by 118…..I was a bit annoyed with myself until I realized that it was carrots and 2 of these turkey bite things that put me over. I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, Extreme Weight Loss, and Pearls and Heidi Powell were working through the emotions of her eating disorders, she was afraid to feed her body. I could completely relate, the leap from over eating to under eating is not a leap, it is one step. It is something I am conscious of on a daily basis. I have put down the baseball bat that I used on myself while binge eating, but I am clear that that bat is still within arm’s reach when I am watching my calories. Healthy eating, eating nutrient dense foods, feeding my body foods that fuel it that is my goal.

I crawled into bed last night, settled in, and it sunk in that it is officially over. I officially completed my 30 day challenge. I went 30 days without eating candy, cookies, cake, pizza, chips or any of the things that I used to binge eat on. There were many years where I was never able to lose more than 5 or 6lbs at a time, before I would take a detour and sabotage it on some level. I would have a “cheat day” that turned into a “cheat week” or “cheat month” before I found the road again because I didn’t believe I deserved it. However, in these 30 days I lost 10.4lbs and it isn’t about deserving it, it is about loving myself and honoring my word with myself, keeping the promise I made myself. Honoring that promise just as I would a promise I made another human. There were many moments that I wanted to quit, but my “why” pushed me. Yes I was tired, yes I was hungry but each time I realized that my “why”, my reason for starting, was bigger. A healthier happier version of me that is my reason. I laid in bed last night and just cried, I was proud. I proved that little voice in my head wrong. I looked it in the eye and told it to “F*CK OFF!”

I am in control here, this will not beat me. Food does not control me. I am standing up, stronger and better than ever. This is what I stand for. I am standing up for my health and for my dreams. Things are going to happen, but I will move so that I can grow and be the healthier happier version of myself.

I came out of my bedroom this morning….at the beginning I made a vision board on the wall above my desk. Every night I would come home and writes these posts with that board right in my face, reminding me. I will keep it up and continue to add to it, just as I will continue down this road.

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