The Ugly Cry…

2015-10-15 22.22.17_resizedI am not entirely certain where to start with what is going on at the moment….

I have noted that something has been off with me since about early August, but I could never quite put my finger on it, so I just did the best I could to live my life ignoring the signs. Funny thing…when you ignore the signs the universe has a funny way of making them bigger and louder. Like one of those signs that lines the strip in Vegas…

Since early August I have been in the middle of a storm with work. It has probably been one of the toughest professional storms that I have ever been through, and it has brought up a lot of stuff for me personally. The great part is that it is all starting to work out at work. Conversations are being had, truths are coming out and the wounds are being healed. YAY! During this time I thought it would be a great idea to pick up Brene Brown’s new book Rising Strong. Yeah, I know…if you’ve been following me for some time, my history with Brene’s books is not that great because she sticks a knife right in and shoves it good and deep. Well, this time was no different, I read one sentence and I knew I was working on perfecting my art of “ignoring reality.”

“…hiding out, pretending and armoring up against life is killing us: killing out spirits, our hopes, our potential, our creativity, our ability to lead, our love, our faith and our joy”

My first thought was food is my armour. It is my way of shutting the world out and silencing what I have been ignoring. Food is my protection from the truth. I have been wafting in and out of protection mode a lot since August. Here is the other thing Brene said that really dug the knife in good and deep.

“Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back. Courage transforms our emotional structure of our being”

My successful 30 day challenge changed me. It showed me what I was capable of and it changed who I am at the core. For the first time all those little voices that told me “You can’t” were quiet.  I was happier, kicking ass, taking names, and living my life. Then the stuff at work started to creep in and I started to doubt and the downhill slide began, but occasionally I would surprise myself and stick my neck out and then go back into my shell, come out, go back into my shell. For a few weeks I have been in my shell, then tonight happened.

I was minding my own business checking out of reality with the TV show Nashville, binge watching (and eating) curiosity2-250x374Season 1 on Netflix. The character Juliette Barns made a comment about being alone, people always want something from you and then it happened… That pile of Kleenex is the result. It was an ugly cry…ladies…you know what I am talking about….that ugly cry where you have no conceivable explanation as to how your body could produce all that fluid, mascara stains all the way down your cheeks ugly.

The result….as I type this it is currently 2:03am and I would love to give you all of the details, but no one likes to read a blog post that long, including me. So here is the point form version….

  1. I trust no one, everyone will lie to get what they want and then leave. Yes everyone…my friends, my family, men…no one is immune. Food has been my only constant, it is all I have. This lie and belief I have wont go away overnight but there are conversations to have with people in my life to apologize.
  2. I am perfectly perfect. How I look, who I am… all 5’7, 300lbs of awkward me….is perfect. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

People love a good underdog story. Everyone loves to see the underdog come back and celebrate the victory, but no one likes to see the mess in the middle. No one likes to look at you when you are lying face down in the middle of the arena, covered in mud, trying to navigate your way out of the mud and the muck you create. People only want to read and be a part of the celebration, once you have risen. This is my journey and there will always be people in the seats telling me how to do it, and chirping their opinions… the cheap seats. I am walking into my story. I am acknowledging emotions and getting curious about them and how they connect to how I think and behave and then I am going to rumble with it. I am going to continue to get honest, I am going to share my struggle and challenge my behaviour and ways of thinking…then….I am going to write a new ending to my story.

First…I am going to finish this book which I recommend.

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