Soul Series: Habits…

268ed1bd3df5397b8e9ae0c8e0b41675_resizedI have spent a great deal of time observing, reflecting and pondering since my last post. Writing for me is therapeutic and I have come to realize that if I am going through it, then so is someone else, so I thought I would turn this into a bit of a series. I received quite a few responses to my last post and want to thank you for making me feel a little less crazy!

The one thing that keeps jumping out to me over the last couple days is….I am going to call them habits. I have these things that I do that are counter productive to what my soul needs right now. Allow me to list a few….I am FAR to attached to my phone and social media. This is not good for my mental health. I do way to much binge watching on Netflix. My current show is Friday Night Lights….if you haven’t watched it….two words…Tim Riggins….I need a moment…ok focus Nikki! I have noticed that I have started to replace shopping for over eating. I spend to much time by myself with my own thoughts, inside my head. We all have that little voice inside our head and when I spend to much time up there I compare it to a walk through a bad neighborhood. I can talk myself into and out of almost anything and it never shuts up. It will play both sides of the fence like two rival gangs having a turf war. As I shared in my last post I have been reading The Untethered Soul and here is a little exert

“You will come to see that the mind talks all the time because you gave it a job to do. You use it as a protection mechanism, a form of defense. Ultimately, it makes you feel more secure…you buffer yourself from life, instead of living it…” 

It is OK if that felt like a fire hot poker going through you, it did for me when I read the first chapter of this book! The list of these little habits of mine could go on forever. What do these all things have in common? They all allow me to check out, not be responsible and avoid living life.

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Goal = 3 books by January 15. Two personal growth books and one fun book

It would be really easy for me to sit here and say “NO MORE! AS OF TODAY I PROMISE…” but….been there, done that. I don’t want to promise that because past experience has taught me that is setting myself up to fail. I think for the next week the goal is to simply catch myself when I am doing it. When I catch myself checking my phone every 5 minutes, it goes into a drawer or another room and I am not allowed to touch it for 1 hour. I can binge watch my tv show a couple nights a week, the other nights are reserved for soul feeding activities like WRITING POSTS and reading. I have so many freaking amazing books I want to read…whole book shelf…full of them! One thing I am drawing a line on is the shopping. No more shopping because I am buying based on want, not on need. Lastly, I will be registering for a class in the new year and it will be around nutrition or writing, one of those 2 things. My goal here is baby steps. To begin to catch myself when the counter productive habits are ruling the nest and to interrupt the pattern.

What habits do you want to notice and interrupt along with me?

Healing the Soul…

imagesINUT3FKDI was the Doctor’s office last week for the annual visit that every woman has to make. I was nervous to see him because he actually specializes in obesity and weight loss and although I have been making strides in the right direction, I know I am not where he would like me to be based on our visit last year. I was already feeling a bit sensitive, so my game plan was to avoid, keep quite and get done what was needed and get out. The ol’ if I don’t say anything, he won’t, ignore, deny, ignore, DENY! Well that didn’t work. I have a doctor that will tell you to read a book or take a yoga class before he will write a prescription, so I am not certain how I didn’t see the fault in my thinking. An hour, yes an hour, later I was walking out of his office. There were tears, lots of conversation and more tears. We hatched a game plan….heal my soul.

I have always been a sensitive person, I feel things deeply and for times that are sometimes longer than necessary. I am a control freak, have perfectionist tendencies, feel guilty when I stand up for myself or ask for things, don’t trust easily and constantly seek approval. I, at times, bounce between a state of fear or a state of guilt. Anxiety is my frequent companion. I am tired of hiding from the world based on a state of worry. I have done a lot of personal work on some of these habits and they don’t affect me to the degree they used to, but trying to live the life I have imagined while a majority of these habits, no matter the degree, are still present isn’t working.  I have tried the therapy route, with both a therapist and a counselor and it just wasn’t for me, because of the work I have done. My work needs to happen based on actions being taken, not sitting on a couch or in a chair talking about the past. Living in the past has never served up anything good.

My doctor looked at me and said “We are going to heal your soul.” I didn’t look at him funny, because I completely understood. My first 2 tasks, for which his nurse has already called for a progress report, did I say he could be pushy?

  1. Watch a TED talk…the name is eluding me, but it is on the piece of paper at home…something about diets, not working – I swear me not remembering is not a sign of trying to avoid!
  2. Read The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

Well, I started reading the book this morning and if the tears streaming down my cheeks or the WTF’s flying out of my mouth are an indication, this is going to be a quick, but great read. The talk is in my schedule to watch this weekend. I had tea last night with one of my favorite human beings, Emilia. She has this really great way of showing me that, unbeknownst to me, I had allowed myself to get stuck in a “when I loose the weight” or “when I am fit and healthy” cycle and I had stopped taking actions on some of the goals I had laid out for my life. I promised her that would stop and I was going to register for a class that would allow me to move my goals forward.

Writing here has always been one of the best outlets for me and a lot of the time I get bogged down in the annoying voice inside my head that says “Don’t bore them” “No wants to read what you have to say” “Don’t share that” and the list goes on and on. Enough of that as well. One must heal inside before it can be reflected on the outside.

The journey begins…