I was the Doctor’s office last week for the annual visit that every woman has to make. I was nervous to see him because he actually specializes in obesity and weight loss and although I have been making strides in the right direction, I know I am not where he would like me to be based on our visit last year. I was already feeling a bit sensitive, so my game plan was to avoid, keep quite and get done what was needed and get out. The ol’ if I don’t say anything, he won’t, ignore, deny, ignore, DENY! Well that didn’t work. I have a doctor that will tell you to read a book or take a yoga class before he will write a prescription, so I am not certain how I didn’t see the fault in my thinking. An hour, yes an hour, later I was walking out of his office. There were tears, lots of conversation and more tears. We hatched a game plan….heal my soul.
I have always been a sensitive person, I feel things deeply and for times that are sometimes longer than necessary. I am a control freak, have perfectionist tendencies, feel guilty when I stand up for myself or ask for things, don’t trust easily and constantly seek approval. I, at times, bounce between a state of fear or a state of guilt. Anxiety is my frequent companion. I am tired of hiding from the world based on a state of worry. I have done a lot of personal work on some of these habits and they don’t affect me to the degree they used to, but trying to live the life I have imagined while a majority of these habits, no matter the degree, are still present isn’t working. I have tried the therapy route, with both a therapist and a counselor and it just wasn’t for me, because of the work I have done. My work needs to happen based on actions being taken, not sitting on a couch or in a chair talking about the past. Living in the past has never served up anything good.
My doctor looked at me and said “We are going to heal your soul.” I didn’t look at him funny, because I completely understood. My first 2 tasks, for which his nurse has already called for a progress report, did I say he could be pushy?
- Watch a TED talk…the name is eluding me, but it is on the piece of paper at home…something about diets, not working – I swear me not remembering is not a sign of trying to avoid!
- Read The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
Well, I started reading the book this morning and if the tears streaming down my cheeks or the WTF’s flying out of my mouth are an indication, this is going to be a quick, but great read. The talk is in my schedule to watch this weekend. I had tea last night with one of my favorite human beings, Emilia. She has this really great way of showing me that, unbeknownst to me, I had allowed myself to get stuck in a “when I loose the weight” or “when I am fit and healthy” cycle and I had stopped taking actions on some of the goals I had laid out for my life. I promised her that would stop and I was going to register for a class that would allow me to move my goals forward.
Writing here has always been one of the best outlets for me and a lot of the time I get bogged down in the annoying voice inside my head that says “Don’t bore them” “No wants to read what you have to say” “Don’t share that” and the list goes on and on. Enough of that as well. One must heal inside before it can be reflected on the outside.
The journey begins…