So It Ends…

PhotoGrid_1437576536520Last night I left work late again, but off to complete some cardio so that I can say I finished this 30 day challenge strong. My goal was 50mins of cardio and I tapped out at 45mins, yes 5 mins left and I won’t go into details as to why, just trust me when I say it wasn’t going to happen….lol. My body is sore, so very sore. Getting out of bed this morning took a 30min conversation with myself, convincing myself that I won’t die from pain by using my muscles. I have muscles, which I never knew existed, screaming at me. Today will most defiantly be a rest day. I need to listen to my body and have a date with my foam roller tonight.

Yesterday I went over my calories by 118…..I was a bit annoyed with myself until I realized that it was carrots and 2 of these turkey bite things that put me over. I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, Extreme Weight Loss, and Pearls and Heidi Powell were working through the emotions of her eating disorders, she was afraid to feed her body. I could completely relate, the leap from over eating to under eating is not a leap, it is one step. It is something I am conscious of on a daily basis. I have put down the baseball bat that I used on myself while binge eating, but I am clear that that bat is still within arm’s reach when I am watching my calories. Healthy eating, eating nutrient dense foods, feeding my body foods that fuel it that is my goal.

I crawled into bed last night, settled in, and it sunk in that it is officially over. I officially completed my 30 day challenge. I went 30 days without eating candy, cookies, cake, pizza, chips or any of the things that I used to binge eat on. There were many years where I was never able to lose more than 5 or 6lbs at a time, before I would take a detour and sabotage it on some level. I would have a “cheat day” that turned into a “cheat week” or “cheat month” before I found the road again because I didn’t believe I deserved it. However, in these 30 days I lost 10.4lbs and it isn’t about deserving it, it is about loving myself and honoring my word with myself, keeping the promise I made myself. Honoring that promise just as I would a promise I made another human. There were many moments that I wanted to quit, but my “why” pushed me. Yes I was tired, yes I was hungry but each time I realized that my “why”, my reason for starting, was bigger. A healthier happier version of me that is my reason. I laid in bed last night and just cried, I was proud. I proved that little voice in my head wrong. I looked it in the eye and told it to “F*CK OFF!”

I am in control here, this will not beat me. Food does not control me. I am standing up, stronger and better than ever. This is what I stand for. I am standing up for my health and for my dreams. Things are going to happen, but I will move so that I can grow and be the healthier happier version of myself.

I came out of my bedroom this morning….at the beginning I made a vision board on the wall above my desk. Every night I would come home and writes these posts with that board right in my face, reminding me. I will keep it up and continue to add to it, just as I will continue down this road.

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Down & Dirty 30 – 10 lbs of Fear….

ee5b5e735f34d6196ba87b176cd54ed2I have butted heads a couple times this week with a thought that I just try to push aside and ignore….

I have been attending Weight Watchers for just over a month now and I have yet to hit the 10lbs lost mark.

I come really close and then life happens and all of a sudden I have this really valid and great excuse. I talk with a few friends and I get the “Well you are packing and preparing to move, it is normal.” Till last night I was talking with my friend two provinces over and she said “So, you are bending and lifting etc….don’t let the food change!!” I am ever present at this exact moment to the true battle that comes with weight loss…the mental one.

I have spent a lot of time dealing with the emotional and mental reasons behind why I put on the weight. The weight is layers and layers of protection from the childhood bullies, an absent father and an overall belief in myself that I am not good enough. It is really easy to use all of those reasons as excuses. If you talk to any overweight person you will find that the layers of protection are there for a reason. Some people deal with life through eating, some drinking, some not eating at all.

Here is what I know about the last two weeks. I have had a total of 4/9 days where watching what I am eating has not been a priority. I have been dealing with a left knee that is only now starting to co-operate with movement. I have started packing and purging my apartment like a mad woman. Change is the word of the day on a regular basis, but I have not once caved and done any binge eating. Yes I have eaten a few things that are on the “no fly” list, but I haven’t once sank back into a black hole of binge eating abyss. This is a step forward for me.

Ruthless compassion. This journey is not about being done perfectly. That I am crystal clear about. For me it is acknowledging and reaching out when I am struggling or feel myself slipping backwards. Being compassionate with myself and not being such a drill sergeant. Also not allowing the same thoughts and patterns over the last 9 days to continue. I know that there are going to be some of you reading this, passing judgment. That is fine, pass away. To judge is human, but I hope that when you struggle and are sliding back into old habits that you embrace the judgment that others are passing along to you.

No personal journey is about being perfect. I want nothing more than to go back to how easy week 1 was, before life crept in. Right now with the move I don’t know that that is possible, but I do know that I can control the food that goes into my mouth and I can go for short walks and my newest idea….making a cardio dance party out of packing.

Acknowledge your struggles, no matter how frequently they seem to appear and slowly they have less and less power. I will pass the 10lbs lost mark by April 1. That is my promise.

Where are you struggling? What are you struggling with? Shoot me an email (evershrinkingdiva@gmail.com), message me on Facebook I am hear to listen and/or provide whatever help I can! Must be ok with no judgment, ruthless compassion and love.