WOW! This is the only word that I can think of to describe this past week and a bit.
Last week I climbed into a taxi at 6:30am Sunday morning experiencing a level of pain I thought was going to kill me. I had gotten zero sleep the night before and no amount of Tylenol or Ibuprofen would touch the pain. The taxi driver was so sweet, he helped me walk into the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital where I spent the next 5 days high on a lot of pain medication and antibiotics, waiting for the surgery to have my gallbladder removed. To give you a bit more perspective on the pain….I was in a room with 3 other people and talking with a lady who just had HER SPINE operated on and has given birth to 5 children said ” I would rather give birth, with no drugs, again or have this spine surgery a million more times than go through my gallbladder again.”
I was discharged late Thursday afternoon, with my irritated organ still intact. I was not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING from the minute I walked through the ER doors till Thursday morning when the decision was made to release me and schedule the surgery for a later date. That’s what happens when you are placed on the emergency general surgery list. Nothing to eat or drink because you can go into surgery at any moment. I kept getting bumped. Wanna know what happens when you put a fat girl in the hospital, where a majority of humans are at their most vulnerable and take away food, her one comfort…. She discovers a new layer of strength she never knew she had.
There were days that I laid in that bed and just cried. The nurse would come in and ask me what was wrong and I would look at her and just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, sad, etc” Whatever emotion was there I would say it. There was nothing they could do to help me, it was like an unintended session of extreme Exposure Therapy…..but I survived. I survived one of the most painful experiences of my life. I learnt that people that I previously would have bet money on coming to visit, didn’t and won’t. Also, people that you didn’t think would notice, call or text you everyday or they start calling every hospital till they find you once they find out you are in the hospital.
I learnt that I am one helluva strong woman that is loved, cared for and appreciated. Sitting on my bed just now reflecting on the past week and all of a sudden feeling that strength run through me, it made me smile. It made me happy.
I am finding myself highly irritated and a bit more emotional than normal lately, so I thought what better place to talk it out…
Over the last week, some really great strides have been taken in the effort to combat the shame around being plus size. Tess Munster, a 5’5 size 22 was just signed by Milk Management, she is the first plus size model of her size to get a contract with an agency of that caliber. She is stunningly beautiful! In addition, My Big Fat Fabulous Life launched on TLC, which I met with mixed reviews and for most of the weekend I have been trying to figure out what is irritating me about it. I have an issue with the whole “body confidence revolution” that is taking place. Even just typing this I am getting really irritated…..
Perhaps it is a bit of jealously and this is where the disconnect with myself has been. I do believe that one should accept yourself. Reading and watching interviews with Tess Munster, that woman exudes confidence and sex appeal. There are countless channels on YouTube with woman talking about body confidence and embracing your curves and your body. Now, there is the TV show by TLC about it. I agree with every part of this….almost…..
I am struggling with this small fact….embracing it….yes, but I am not ok with not doing anything about it and none of these videos and YouTube channels seem to talk about doing something about it. There are fundamental physical downfalls to your health for overweight. Diabetes, sleep apnea, fertility issues, heart disease, gout, asthma, kidney disease….the list could go on.
Every human being is beautiful. Every human being has the right to live a happy and fulfilled life full of love, joy and happiness. No one should be bullied or made fun of for their size. Embrace your body for the joy and wonder that it is, but treat it with care and love because it is the only one you have. I have lived a life full of shame when it comes to my body and struggle with it on a daily basis, so I know that embracing my body is something that I am working on, but….I want things in life. I want to be able to potentially have a child and not worry about the implications if I am plus size. I already require a machine for my heart to function, I don’t want my heart to have to struggle any more than it does because I am carrying extra weight. I want to be healthy and love my body.
If I have missed something in the whole “body confidence revolution” then please send me links or let me know. Embrace and love your body yes! Tess Munster says it best “eff your beauty standards”! But, ensure that you are living in such a way that you are going to be around for a really long time and can accomplish the things in life you want to accomplish.