I’m Fat…

FatI know the title is quite….blunt, at least it is for me. For the longest time I had this adverse reaction when ever anyone used the word “fat” around me. I would get ridiculously bent out of shape, anger and sometimes even rage would take over. I despised being called fat and would pitch a fit that could put a toddler tantrum to shame, then…

I saw this photo a couple weeks back and it started to percolate. Then I started thinking about women like, Tess Holiday, Whitney Thorpe and even Ashley Graham. For the record, I do not consider Ashley Graham fat in any way share or form, but bare with me, I have a point….I promise.  When these three women started to appear in social media, for the various reasons they did, I was irritated. I was not on board with what they were preaching to the masses. They were all talking about body confidence, body positivity, loving your body at any size and other varying forms of those messages. I was not “picking up” what they were “puttin’ down.” I would get bent out of shape and angry when people would ask me what I thought about their message. Then last week Tess posted on Snapchat and Instagram her experience with an Uber driver who was shaming her for her size. As someone has had that same experience, also the reason I will never set foot in a Royal City Taxi again, it really got me thinking. Tess fought for herself in that video. She didn’t post that video to shame him in return, she posted that video to show that this is not OK, shaming someone is not OK. I tried to remember when the last time I fought for myself was….it took a while to remember….

I don’t fight for myself, so much so that earlier this year it caused an argument with my best friend, where we didn’t talk for a week. If you know me and her you know that is like years in our world! She was fighting for me and my health and I wasn’t. I wait until my body is screaming at me before I do anything. Case in point, my gallbladder. I had so many symptoms but I ignored them. Work needed me, friends needed me, the new series I was binge watching on Netflix needed to be finished. I landed myself in the hospital for a week in more pain than I can ever explain. Then, in February my gallbladder came out, 3 days later I was back working from home,10 days later I was back at work, 6 weeks later I was back in the surgeon’s office getting a warning about my recovery.

So, I discovered this little nugget of insight and sat down in a session with my amazeballs counselor lady and the tears started flowing. Here is the thing. I am fat. I have excess weight, more than the average person. Me being fat is just a fact, it doesn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of doing things and it certainly doesn’t mean I am not beautiful. But…you have to stand up and fight for yourself and for your body. Fat people do, more so than others because when people see you, they love to jump to conclusions. They assume all your numbers like cholesterol and thyroid function are all out of wack. They assume that you are diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. I am not and all my numbers are in the perfect/normal range and I am taking that for granted, so I am going to fight for myself and stop waiting for my body to scream at me before listening.

The last time I remember fighting for myself was a year, may two years back, when I did a 30 Day Challenge with myself. I was dialed into my body functions, I was exercising regularly, eating in a way that was respectful to my body and I loved every day of that challenge. Then I stopped, because of a multitude of reasons and excuses. I am going to start that challenge over again, although, if I am honest the word challenge feels like I am setting myself up to fail already, so if you have any name ideas, feel free to chime in!

So get ready for daily posts, some funny workout selfies, and some uncomfortable moments of what fighting for yourself looks like!

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Haters Gonna Hate…

29f1f5c7f89c3baaf8994377942ad0a0I am and always have been someone that cares a little too much. I care what people think, I cry during commercials and I am way more empathetic than I need to be. Now, not all of this is bad, some of these qualities I am totally ok with….just not the caring what other people think one.

Curious about where I have been since Day 15 of my Down & Dirty 30? I had my scalp biopsy done and I came home that night in quite a bit of pain, did a little bit of emotional eating and then I logged on to see a series of comments on different posts on my blogs from some asshat in the States and I told myself that he was right. Then over the next couple of days a few friends made off the cuff comments about my posts on Facebook and I told myself “people are annoyed with my posts.” Those two thoughts combined…I used as the perfect excuse to stop writing, despite the steps forward that I was taking.

Then I was having a conversation with my dear cousin over at Moments In Mommyland and we were discussing our LOVE of all things Christmas….yes it is genetic in my family! We both have been posting about Christmas on our Facebook pages, talking about it and generally being met with unsupportive comments and remarks. She said “I don’t tell others when or how to celebrate, so why should they get to tell us.” I couldn’t possibly agree more. Later that evening I was also have a conversation with the BFF Tiffany and having a similar conversation about worrying so much about what others think, followed by watching Ann Hathaway on Ellen yesterday and here is what I concluded…

I don’t give a rats bare behind what you think about me, my posts, or my love of Christmas. If you don’t like it, don’t read it; unfriend me, unfollow me and let’s call it a day. I am sorry my posts to living a healthier life are annoying you. There is nothing you can say to me or judge me for that I probably haven’t already judged or said to myself. I am my own worst critic, we all are our own worst critic. I am tired of the mean comments taking a front seat to the good comments. Done. This is my journey.