Hi There!

370 Days since my last post. Are you ready?

I have wanted to sit down and write everyday for the last couple of months, but it was always a combination of concern, worry and anxiety that would have be not write a single word…. until today. I realized that I was always writing for someone else. I was always writing for you, the person reading this. I was always trying to make sure that what I was writing was motivating, moving, inspiring and it was hard to write on the days that I wasn’t feeling those things myself. I could never come online and share the bad days, the rough days as fully as they were happening, so I realized that a change was necessary. Change…. has a big place in my life at the moment. It is happening everywhere and for the first time in a very long time, I am embracing changes with open arms.

I love writing. I love sharing. I don’t care that my grammar is horrible, and I overuse punctuation and use it in the wrong places. I am not writing to be portray this perfect image anymore. I am writing to share my story. To share my journey. To share, the good, the bad, the ugly and to hopefully show just one person that they are not alone. That if I can fall down a thousand times and keep getting back up to try again, they can too.

Here is what I have learnt in the last year:

  • Change doesn’t have to be anxiety inducing or scary
  • Embracing your faults is a good thing
  • Going on adventures if mandatory
  • People you thought would be in your life forever, will no longer be there and that can be a good thing.
  • Motivation is fleeting
  • You can find inspiration in the oddest places
  • Humans are scary
  • Humans are a breath of fresh air
  • Loving yourself is the best gift of all
  • Finding your purpose in life isn’t this big A-HA moment like it is in the movies
  • Things don’t always go according to plan and sometimes that is the biggest gift of all

Change is hard work, it is a struggle in the face of no motivation and I have never wanted to do the work daily. I have never wanted to face the fact that all the insights into my personal and mental health mean squat if you are not willing to translate that into daily work.

In short, it is time to show the hard work it takes to change and go after what you want and pursue your passion and your purpose.

Weekend Vibes…

Well I had the best of intention to write yesterday about Friday and today about yesterday and then the weekend happened so you are the lucky winners of a 2 for deal today!!!!

Friday was a good day, aside from the fact that my upper body was still being quite vocal about any sort of movement. The pain of lifting my coffee mug to sip every time, should show you all deep love and commitment to coffee. Then at around 3pm  I was informed that everything in my office needed to be up off the floor for the deep clean, floor scrub and wax that was happening over the weekend. I had a brief moment where I was going to shed a tear. I have a few heavy boxes, and some roller drawer units and then I remembered that I work in a warehouse with hundreds of employees including those in Shipping and Receiving, so you can guess what I did. YUP, I CHEATED! I asked a couple of the guys to give me a hand, know your limit is what I say! LOL. My body was that good sore on Friday.

I do my weigh in bright and early Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers and stay for the meeting if my schedule allows it. I should mention that due to the little voice inside my head, and some cheat days before I started this challenge I hadn’t been to a meeting in almost a month. I arrived and was greeted with a warm welcome back by the lovely lady that weighs you….shit she remembers me. I started with all my reasons and excuses about why I hadn’t been and then I realized, like my job, she has probably heard all the reasons and excuses for not showing up, so I looked at her and said “ Life happened, I cheated and I let the voice inside me head make a really big deal about it.” She smiled and said “Great, so let’s get our new starting point and move forward.” I remember stepping on the scale dreading the number. Thinking to myself that I am going to be starting all over again, back to square one, I am doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again and then I heard a giggle. I was looking at my feet, so my head quickly turned to the scale….. .4 lbs up. I looked at her and she laughed and said “I have peed more than that, go to the bathroom and come right back to me.” I looked at her confused but followed her instructions and heard some laughter coming from a couple ladies behind me. I returned a few moments later and I am officially up .2lbs….point two pounds. In my head I had gained at least 10lbs….nope the voice inside my head LIED…AGAIN….Shocking!

I sat down in the meeting and I admit I didn’t listen much to what was being said. I started to realize that my connection to what the number on the scale and what the lady writing that number down might think. It isn’t about the number, it is about the community. Fighting for yourself involves changing habits and thought patterns that no longer serves the life you are trying to create for yourself. As I was deep in thought I felt a lady next to me nudge my arm and I focused back on the leader and she had asked me to share what had happened at the scale. The rest of the meeting was spent talking about the mental game that weight loss is. Looking around the room at the 50 odd people sitting in there and each and every one of them have a similar conversation going on in there head. Feeling like you are a part of something and feeling like you are not alone is a very powerful experience. I almost wanted to cry.

I was able to lounge in bed this morning, sleep in, drink some coffee and now I am going to go for my “cheat meal” with the bestie and it is gonna be so good!

It’s Not Easy…

2014_rosie_the_riveter_flexing_her_arm_muscles_we_can_do_itWOW! This is the only word that I can think of to describe this past week and a bit.

Last week I climbed into a taxi at 6:30am Sunday morning experiencing a level of pain I thought was going to kill me. I had gotten zero sleep the night before and no amount of Tylenol or Ibuprofen would touch the pain. The taxi driver was so sweet, he helped me walk into the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital where I spent the next 5 days high on a lot of pain medication and antibiotics, waiting for the surgery to have my gallbladder removed. To give you  a bit more perspective on the pain….I was in a room with 3 other people and talking with a lady who just had HER SPINE operated on and has given birth to 5 children said ” I would rather give birth, with no drugs, again or have this spine surgery a million more times than go through my gallbladder again.”

I was discharged late Thursday afternoon, with my irritated organ still intact. I was not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING from the minute I walked through the ER doors till Thursday morning when the decision was made to release me and schedule the surgery for a later date. That’s what happens when you are placed on the emergency general surgery list. Nothing to eat or drink because you can go into surgery at any moment. I kept getting bumped. Wanna know what happens when you put a fat girl in the hospital, where a majority of humans are at their most vulnerable and take away food, her one comfort…. She discovers a new layer of strength she never knew she had.

There were days that I laid in that bed and just cried. The nurse would come in and ask me what was wrong and I would look at her and just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, sad, etc” Whatever emotion was there I would say it. There was nothing they could do to help me, it was like an unintended session of extreme Exposure Therapy…..but I survived. I survived one of the most painful experiences of my life. I learnt that people that I previously would have bet money on coming to visit, didn’t and won’t. Also, people that you didn’t think would notice, call or text you everyday or they start calling every hospital till they find you once they find out you are in the hospital.

I learnt that I am one helluva strong woman that is loved, cared for and appreciated. Sitting on my bed just now reflecting on the past week and all of a sudden feeling that strength run through me, it made me smile.  It made me happy.

Conspiracy….

The universe was testing my will yesterday morning! I slept through one alarm, rushed out of the house and then, in an effort to save myself 10 mins, I hopped on the skytrain where I sat….between stations….for 30 mins. Feeling a bit defeated I was tempted to turn around and go home, but instead I decided to come up with a plan B. I had planned on doing 45 mins of cardio and then a killer core workout, but as my time on the skytrain ticked on, I had to remove something, so the core workout got the axe.

I am not gonna lie…working out in the morning gives me this sense of satisfaction. It is done, off my plate and I don’t have to think about my workout for the remainder of the day. I get to come after work and relax, prep for the next day, maybe watch a tv show, write a post….kinda love it!

I spend a majority of today trying to come up with a whitty name, set some goals for this challenge I laid down yesterday…. and the bottom lines is ….I just want to get out of bed every morning, crush my workouts, eat healthy and mindfully, accomplish some things I have never done before, go on some adventures, explore and create some memories. No pressure, no shame, no sabotage just doing what I said I would and repairing the relationship with my body.  The only promise I want to make is to myself that starting with these 30 days my relationship with my mind and my body is more important than anything else. Without this healthy relationship I am unable to support and give back to others when my tank is on empty.

With the recent passing of Muhammad Ali, he had this one line that I have been hearing over and over again in my head this week “I’m gonna show you how great I am.” Living for a great life, not just any life. So….I am going to write everyday for the next 30 days as a way to stay accountable, it will mostly be health and fitness related, but there will also be some other little yummy tidbits thrown in!

Project 37 – Day 13

PhotoGrid_1455551258445_resizedGood Morning Peeps!

So in the interest of 100% honesty, I went a bit sideways this weekend, but learnt some really great lessons!

Saturday I was a bit of a lazy sloth and didn’t really get off the couch until 3pm when I headed up to the grocery store because I had done zero grocery shopping for the weekend. Mistake number one. Going grocery shopping when hungry. Here is where my “cheat meal” turned into a “cheat evening.” I had decided that my cheat meal was going to be one of those Delissio oven pizza’s. I don’t know what it is about them, but I love them! Shameful fact, I used to be able to eat a whole one by myself. I ate 3 slices on Saturday and I was so full. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea, but about an hour later I added jelly beans and wine gums, then some chips. By about 10pm I had the most horrific stomach ache. I was trying to will my body to vomit, just to get the pain to stop. I climbed into bed with a bottle of tums and had the worst nights sleep with several visits to the bathroom.

Sunday morning I woke up at about 8am and I could still feel that my tummy was off. I had hot water with a slice of lemon. I was spending the afternoon with my cousin and I knew I wasn’t going to have anything at the theatre. Mistake number two. I ate 2 slices of left over pizza at noon and 15mins later my tummy was unhappy. The rest of the pizza then went into the compost. Lots of water, some serious laughing at the new Deadpool movie and my cousin and I were off to a new Mexican restaurant that opened in New West called El Santo. Mistake number three. I am new to the world of spicy foods. This food was so insanely delicious! I highly recommend this place if you are looking for really great Mexican food! A plate of green peppers arrived at our table and the waitress smiled and informed us that eating this is like playing Russian Roulette, there were a couple hot ones and some plain ones. I got two spicy ones and there was a lot of food consumed….again….I was once again willing the pain to stop because I was once again dealing with a very unhappy tummy. With no one to blame but myself, I ate nothing the rest of the night but Tums and warm water.

I am looking forward to returning to clean/healthy eating this week. Flushing my system of the toxins and crushing some workouts at the gym!

Lesson #12: My tummy can not handle food like it used to. This is a very good, very painful lesson to learn. The foods you once enjoyed no longer serve you purpose or enjoyment! Listen to your body!

Lesson #13: Listen to your body! I know I know, I promise I don’t mean this in the same way as lesson #12. We are all born with and develop a natural intuition. Over the years, some of us learn to ignore it, second guess it, or some develop it and use it as a very useful tool in their lives. Here is what I have schooled in about it recently. NEVER EVER ignore it. In the times I ignored it, I shouldn’t  have and in the times I listened, I was bang on. Trust yourself, trust your instincts and never be afraid to stand up for them.

Love: My family. I come from a ridiculously large family. Some members I am close with, some I only see at family functions. As nutty and silly as my family is at times I am very thankful that no matter what, no matter how long it has been, I have a team of people that always have my back!

This mornings 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

Project 37 – Day 11

Almost...not really...beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Almost…not really…beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Good Morning Peeps!

So…..I am super mad this morning and am currently trying to talk myself off a ledge, so what better place to do that than here with you. This morning was weigh-in and I was super excited to step on the scale. I stepped up my workouts, I ate well this week, there were a couple blips, not with bad food, but with a little snacking, but I stayed under 2000 calories EVERY day and my calorie burn was over 3000 all but 1 day, so WTF!?!?!

I have an angel vs. devil conversation going on on my shoulders right now. The angel…You added weight training this week that builds muscle, muscles weighs more than fat. The devil…yeah, but you missed Wednesday cause you were being a baby about your hip. The angel…you posted a 5.6 lbs loss last week, your body is just normalizing itself again. The devil…you slipped and fed me bread twice this week and we LOVED IT! MORE! The angel…stay the course, you can do this. Remember it is a marathon, not a sprint. The devil…just throw in the towel, you won’t ever do this. This is the back and forth going through my brain right now. I didn’t drink as much water as I should have, I have my “ladytime” right now. I didn’t sleep that well this week. My body and muscles are stiff and sore today so I know I have been doing the work. Was I 100% perfect this week with eating…no, but I was a solid 98%. The winning voice is going to be “Just breathe Nikki, stay the course.”

Today is Saturday, I don’t share everything on this blog, because it just isn’t appropriate….but let me say, yesterday sucked ass in a big big way. Despite having a shitty day when the urge to just EAT was overwhelming, I didn’t. I went to the gym and had a very sweaty cardio workout instead, then the bestie came over and we talked out my crappy day instead of eating. Today will be deep breathes, meal and exercise planning for next week. I will so also not be tracking today. I do have a cheat meal planned for dinner tonight and I am not gonna lie, I am kind of excited 🙂

Love: that I seem to be able to stop the urges to binge eat before they happen and the one time it started this week I was able to interrupt it quickly and swiftly before it turned into anything

Lesson #11: Deep breaths and a calm demeanor can go a long way. I have a bit of a habit of being able to go from zero to over reacting in about 2 seconds flat. Yesterday I was able to reign it in, listen to by gut and prepare my mind for some conversations that need to happen next week. I used to be really great and sweeping things under the rug, but one of the things I took on this year was stepping up and stepping out, this is all part of that.

This mornings 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

Project 37 – Day 10

The face you make when your legs are toast and walking is a struggle

The face you make when your legs are toast and walking is a struggle

Goooood Morning Peeps!

I am some serious kind of tired this morning…HOLY! I had an insanely busy day at work that ended with a couple frustrations, piled on top of PMS, so after a tearful phone call with my Mom it was off to the gym, despite my overwhelming desire to just go home. Leaving work at 6:30 getting to the gym for 7:15, by the time I got home it was almost 9:30, then it was a protein shake, make my lunch for today, shower, stretch and bed. Working out 2 hours later than normal, makes winding down before bed a bit of a challenge let me tell you. I am was so stinkin’ proud of the workout I crushed! I did have one struggle at the gym….the gym I go to has a ladies only section, but I normally workout in the “all” section because I am more comfortable there. I find women tend to be more judgmental and are watching me, where as when I am in the “all” section people could care less. There were two young girls in the section and I got instantly uncomfortable and I had to have a conversation with myself to keep going. It is weird the little games and tricks your mind tries to play on you!

This morning I get my “clicking” hip taken care of and my chiro is going to make me feel like a big pool of jelly, just in time for a cardio only session tonight before weigh in tomorrow morning! I always get nervous the day before weigh in. Did I do everything I could? I feel bloated today, maybe I should wait till Sunday. That little voice inside my head is NEVER ENDING! Don’t look at me like I am crazy, you all have that voice, I promise you!

Love: MUSIC! I have a serious love of music! I have all types of music playing all the time. I start my day with music playing and I end my day the same way. Music has this really great way of helping me processes feelings.

Lesson #10: The struggle was real last night!  Make sure you go to the bathroom before you start hard core sweating at the gym, because compression leggings do not make it easy! I swear, I was hopping around in that bathroom stall like a spastic bean getting electrocuted!

This morning’s 5 min dance party was brought to you by…