The Ugly Cry…

2015-10-15 22.22.17_resizedI am not entirely certain where to start with what is going on at the moment….

I have noted that something has been off with me since about early August, but I could never quite put my finger on it, so I just did the best I could to live my life ignoring the signs. Funny thing…when you ignore the signs the universe has a funny way of making them bigger and louder. Like one of those signs that lines the strip in Vegas…

Since early August I have been in the middle of a storm with work. It has probably been one of the toughest professional storms that I have ever been through, and it has brought up a lot of stuff for me personally. The great part is that it is all starting to work out at work. Conversations are being had, truths are coming out and the wounds are being healed. YAY! During this time I thought it would be a great idea to pick up Brene Brown’s new book Rising Strong. Yeah, I know…if you’ve been following me for some time, my history with Brene’s books is not that great because she sticks a knife right in and shoves it good and deep. Well, this time was no different, I read one sentence and I knew I was working on perfecting my art of “ignoring reality.”

“…hiding out, pretending and armoring up against life is killing us: killing out spirits, our hopes, our potential, our creativity, our ability to lead, our love, our faith and our joy”

My first thought was food is my armour. It is my way of shutting the world out and silencing what I have been ignoring. Food is my protection from the truth. I have been wafting in and out of protection mode a lot since August. Here is the other thing Brene said that really dug the knife in good and deep.

“Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back. Courage transforms our emotional structure of our being”

My successful 30 day challenge changed me. It showed me what I was capable of and it changed who I am at the core. For the first time all those little voices that told me “You can’t” were quiet.  I was happier, kicking ass, taking names, and living my life. Then the stuff at work started to creep in and I started to doubt and the downhill slide began, but occasionally I would surprise myself and stick my neck out and then go back into my shell, come out, go back into my shell. For a few weeks I have been in my shell, then tonight happened.

I was minding my own business checking out of reality with the TV show Nashville, binge watching (and eating) curiosity2-250x374Season 1 on Netflix. The character Juliette Barns made a comment about being alone, people always want something from you and then it happened… That pile of Kleenex is the result. It was an ugly cry…ladies…you know what I am talking about….that ugly cry where you have no conceivable explanation as to how your body could produce all that fluid, mascara stains all the way down your cheeks ugly.

The result….as I type this it is currently 2:03am and I would love to give you all of the details, but no one likes to read a blog post that long, including me. So here is the point form version….

  1. I trust no one, everyone will lie to get what they want and then leave. Yes everyone…my friends, my family, men…no one is immune. Food has been my only constant, it is all I have. This lie and belief I have wont go away overnight but there are conversations to have with people in my life to apologize.
  2. I am perfectly perfect. How I look, who I am… all 5’7, 300lbs of awkward me….is perfect. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

People love a good underdog story. Everyone loves to see the underdog come back and celebrate the victory, but no one likes to see the mess in the middle. No one likes to look at you when you are lying face down in the middle of the arena, covered in mud, trying to navigate your way out of the mud and the muck you create. People only want to read and be a part of the celebration, once you have risen. This is my journey and there will always be people in the seats telling me how to do it, and chirping their opinions… the cheap seats. I am walking into my story. I am acknowledging emotions and getting curious about them and how they connect to how I think and behave and then I am going to rumble with it. I am going to continue to get honest, I am going to share my struggle and challenge my behaviour and ways of thinking…then….I am going to write a new ending to my story.

First…I am going to finish this book which I recommend.



110449-108335So…there is one comment that keeps coming up when I am having conversations with people regarding my last couple of posts.

The word “shame” followed by the comment “You are too hard on yourself ”

I have been a huge fan of Brene Brown for a few years now. I commonly refer to her books as “toss’ers.” I read them, she hits a nerve and I toss the book out the window or across the room. Normally, five to ten minutes later I go grab the book and continue reading. She is a researcher that studies shame, guilt and vulnerability. I have put a link down below to one of her first talks at a TED conference a few years back as well as links to 2 of her books that are favorites of mine.

Brene defines shame as “…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame is something that every human being capable of emotion feels, but it is also something that people sweep under the rug and don’t talk about. You may experience shame in the amount of financial debt you are carrying and having to “keep up appearances” with friends and family. You may experience shame in not being smart enough or qualified enough when turned down for a promotion so you tell your friends a lie to cover it up. A person may experience shame after being sexually assaulted and not want to tell anyone. Someone may experience shame when they have gained 336lbs because they have never really felt like they fit in anywhere. Every human being has experienced shame on one level or another and choose to bury it deep inside, sweep it under the rug because it is awkward and uncomfortable to talk about. Hiding the shame and guilt you feel about things in your life doesn’t make them go away, experiencing them and talking about them does.

“You are too hard on yourself Nikki” Of course I am that is why I gained 336 lbs. I have been living in a world of shame, constantly striving to be perfect, too fit in, too be liked by people I meet. I have this co-worker who constantly makes comments about how I shuffle my feet. I am pretty certain the sound she is referring to is my pants/thighs rubbing together when I walk, but I actually found myself trying to adjust the way I walk when going past her desk as not to disturb her.

It is ridiculous to live in this constant state of shame. This is me, this is my body and I am not going to apologize for it anymore. If someone doesn’t like me, that says more about them than it does me. I am not going to beat myself up anymore for being who I am. This is what that post was about. It is about me not being hard on myself anymore, no more apologizing. No, I am not going to go out there and start being a beotch, but I am going to stop apologizing all the time and hiding who I really am.

I truly believe that if people spoke more about the things that made them uncomfortable…can you imagine how different your life would be? All the time you spent worrying and stressing about it in your brain…gone! That was me stressing and worry about people finding out the number of the scale and always apologizing for being me, gone. I have a lot of free brain power and I love it!

Talk about the one thing in your life that you stress and worry about so much. That one things you fear judgment on or that one thing that you think defines you as not being worthy of love and connection.

Here is a clip of Brene. Enjoy….


Here are the links to the 2 books…