It’s Not Easy…

2014_rosie_the_riveter_flexing_her_arm_muscles_we_can_do_itWOW! This is the only word that I can think of to describe this past week and a bit.

Last week I climbed into a taxi at 6:30am Sunday morning experiencing a level of pain I thought was going to kill me. I had gotten zero sleep the night before and no amount of Tylenol or Ibuprofen would touch the pain. The taxi driver was so sweet, he helped me walk into the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital where I spent the next 5 days high on a lot of pain medication and antibiotics, waiting for the surgery to have my gallbladder removed. To give you  a bit more perspective on the pain….I was in a room with 3 other people and talking with a lady who just had HER SPINE operated on and has given birth to 5 children said ” I would rather give birth, with no drugs, again or have this spine surgery a million more times than go through my gallbladder again.”

I was discharged late Thursday afternoon, with my irritated organ still intact. I was not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING from the minute I walked through the ER doors till Thursday morning when the decision was made to release me and schedule the surgery for a later date. That’s what happens when you are placed on the emergency general surgery list. Nothing to eat or drink because you can go into surgery at any moment. I kept getting bumped. Wanna know what happens when you put a fat girl in the hospital, where a majority of humans are at their most vulnerable and take away food, her one comfort…. She discovers a new layer of strength she never knew she had.

There were days that I laid in that bed and just cried. The nurse would come in and ask me what was wrong and I would look at her and just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, sad, etc” Whatever emotion was there I would say it. There was nothing they could do to help me, it was like an unintended session of extreme Exposure Therapy…..but I survived. I survived one of the most painful experiences of my life. I learnt that people that I previously would have bet money on coming to visit, didn’t and won’t. Also, people that you didn’t think would notice, call or text you everyday or they start calling every hospital till they find you once they find out you are in the hospital.

I learnt that I am one helluva strong woman that is loved, cared for and appreciated. Sitting on my bed just now reflecting on the past week and all of a sudden feeling that strength run through me, it made me smile.  It made me happy.

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Changes…

It has been awhile since I have posted something, I apologize, but there has been a lot going on.  Thank you for your patience and it is the sheer joy of writing that has brought me back to help me through this difficult time.

Hmmm, I find myself not really knowing where to start, so I will just dive right in. I am facing some health issues that have been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. To say I have been stressed and losing sleep would be an understatement. I am not quite yet prepared to talk about them, but give me time, I eventually will when I have all the answers I need and a course of action to begin correcting the issue. I have seen two different Dr’s and I have an appointment this week with another. Now before those reading this jump to the far worst possible thing, on a scale of 1-10 of seriousness, in my head it’s a 9, but in reality it’s about a 4-5.

My DadSecondly, my father passed away just under a month ago. His passing has not been easy to try and get a handle on, but I have discovered that all you can do is take it one day at a time. My father was ill. He was an alcoholic and he was suffering from liver failure, but he was not seeking help for either. The coroner and the police were involved in my father’s passing due to the nature of it. The coroner told us that he fell, hit his head, but his liver and heart gave out before he could bleed out.  His neighbours were accustomed to seeing him daily and hadn’t seen him for a few days so they called the police. They estimated that my father was dead from 2-3 days before his body was discovered. My brother, mother and I then had to go to his apartment and see what we could salvage. To see the amount of blood, the smell….it is something that I will never forget.  While processing my father’s passing, a very close family friend lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed with and past from cancer in a matter of 3.5 weeks.  Life is dealing me a heavy hand at the moment.

Figuring out how to live my life without my father and with these health concerns is different. I admit to becoming a wee bit of a hermit. I have my good days and my bad. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having a mini meltdown, then I am fine again. I am easily frustrated, can cry at the drop of a hat and I am processing a level of anger that I have never experienced before.  What has me get out of bed is that every morning I wake up and I remember that I have friends and family that love me, a roof over my head, food in my fridge and there are people living in the world that are not so lucky and suffering from far worse situations than me.

My trainer Emilia could tell that my session was a difficult one for me this morning and I was not being the most chipper person, she asked me what made me happy and for the first time in my life I couldn’t think of one thing that made me happy, at the end of my session she said to do something fun today. Saw my family doctor this afternoon and he told me to be gentle with myself and to do something for me today. As I was heading home I realized that I love to write and I have missed it. For me this is an inexpensive form of therapy and in a small way makes me feel like I am not alone.

Changes have begun and I thank you for your patience and the messages that I have been missed; I am back and becoming a new version of me…