Smile, Sweat & Repeat – Day 2

PhotoGrid_1441290869953_resizedWell lord alive, yesterday was not my smartest day ever to go down in the history books…

I was plenty sore from my workout with Meego and when I woke up yesterday morning I realized I had my final session with Emilia at Seva….yup back to back sessions. Let me tell you beast mode was most defiantly on because despite the pain I KILLED my final session with Emilia. There was a fair amount of complaining, but Emilia wasn’t having any part of it. Here is what I was forced to face….

I say “I can’t” way to often. My cardio level has come quite a long way. I was doing sprints with Emilia yesterday and talking the whole time. Previously when met with sprints I would hold onto the sides of the treadmill, talking was impossible because air was far more important and sweat would be pouring off of me. Yesterday…talking and running at a faster pace than I have previously ever run on a treadmill. She would increase the speed and I would always say “I can’t” first before even trying. When I got home and reflected on my session with Meego that day before, same thing. I remember a few times where I said “I can’t” and when he pushed I did it. When Emilia pushed yesterday I did it. For this reason I am now choosing to remove the phrase “I can’t” from my vocabulary. I am certain that at this size there may be some things that I won’t be able to complete….yet, but I won’t say “I can’t.” I will try it and if unable I will say “Not yet, but soon!”

Ever muscle between my shoulders and my knee caps is SCREAMING at me. I was laying in a very hot Epsom salt bath for 45 mins last night and looking back I couldn’t help but smile because I just KILLED to very hard workouts. Yes, I have some seriously sore muscles and yes, I am taking today to rest, but I did it. I pushed passed my boundaries, outside my comfort zone and DID IT!

The last 2 nights I have been in bed and passed out by 9:30pm, getting my sleep on. I did well with eating yesterday and despite some struggles going on in a certain area of my life and my overwhelming desire to have some sweets I did not!

Today there will be a visit to the farmer’s market for some fresh fruits and veggies. I am going to buy a vegetable that I have  previously turned my nose up at or never tried and give it a go. I will be taking the night off from the gym but if the rain holds off, get my walk on.

Day 2 is in the bag, now to tackle Day 3!


Down & Dirty 30 – M.I.A this week…

Missing+in+Action+MIA+logoFirst of all….thank you to those that have sent me email’s inquiring about updates. I apologize for my disappearance!

I move in 3 sleeps and sadly my world at the moment consists of sleeping, working and packing! I am a bit of a Type A personality so I have been packing and purging through 9 years of stuff! I have also been color coding my boxes for easy sorting on the other end. I was speaking with the movers this morning and his response was “Really?” with a very shocked tone…

Unfortunately that has not left me much time for writing, which is a big missing for me. I find that when I write and share with all of you it helps me manage and deal with the stress and anxiety of this journey and all the change that is coming my way.

I am excited for the move, the new space, a fresh start and most of the warmth and peace and quite.

I have not been tracking religiously with everything that is going on, which has been a missing and I saw a gain this week on the scale at Weight Watchers, not a big gain, but as a result I am making a conscious effort this week to focus on healthy choices, despite not being able to cook (kitchen is packed) and tracking. Baby steps, my life is going in the right direction and so will the scale.

I promise come Monday I will have moved, packing will have started and I will be back stronger than ever!


Down & Dirty 30 – It’s Good to be Back….

Taren loves a good photo bomb!

Taren loves a good photo bomb!

So last night my behind received a whooping that it did not seeing coming. I have been thoroughly stripped of my ability to laugh and lift anything heavier than a t-shirt.

I wrote my post yesterday and was feeling a bit “ho hum” until I walked in for my training session and was promptly informed that Emilia was on a war path by the person she was currently finishing up training. Here is the great thing about the ladies at Seva Fitness. Taren is the loud in your face type. I make the worst faces when I find out that I am training with her! I commonly refer to her as a mini Jillian Michaels. Emilia is silent by deadly. Emilia is sweet and polite, but she will switch the weight without telling you or she will “forget” what number you were on and all of a sudden you have done double, but usually it is a calmer workout, which I enjoy. If I am honest, I enjoy working out with both, but it depends on my mood. To arrive and hear Emilia was on the war path, was a bit concerning.

Oh yes, yes she was. I was immediately told that if I am caught taking a break or rest I will have to do a 30sec to 1min plank. I was also learning some new exercises last night and if I was going slow or taking to long the whip was cracked. It was exactly what I needed. By the end of the workout I was more than ready for bed. I was feeling a bit bummed that with my impending move I wasn’t certain if I would be able to continue with them until Taren smiled and said “Fear not! I train Friday nights at a facility a 15min walk from you!” Taren….every week….oh lord give me strength….

Last nights session was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed to start moving forward again. I was reminded that I have 2 partners who will ALWAYS kick my ass whenever I am having a bad day or feeling riddled with excuses and can’t see my way out. All I have to do is reach out, text/call or schedule an emergency session.

Reasons and excuses only have as much power as you give them. We all give reasons or excuses a lot of power in different areas of our life that we use to prevent us from going after or getting what we really want. Go after what you really want and figure it out or sit on the sidelines and be miserable, your choice.

Fitbit stats March 19

Fitbit stats March 19

Down & Dirty 30 – 10 lbs of Fear….

ee5b5e735f34d6196ba87b176cd54ed2I have butted heads a couple times this week with a thought that I just try to push aside and ignore….

I have been attending Weight Watchers for just over a month now and I have yet to hit the 10lbs lost mark.

I come really close and then life happens and all of a sudden I have this really valid and great excuse. I talk with a few friends and I get the “Well you are packing and preparing to move, it is normal.” Till last night I was talking with my friend two provinces over and she said “So, you are bending and lifting etc….don’t let the food change!!” I am ever present at this exact moment to the true battle that comes with weight loss…the mental one.

I have spent a lot of time dealing with the emotional and mental reasons behind why I put on the weight. The weight is layers and layers of protection from the childhood bullies, an absent father and an overall belief in myself that I am not good enough. It is really easy to use all of those reasons as excuses. If you talk to any overweight person you will find that the layers of protection are there for a reason. Some people deal with life through eating, some drinking, some not eating at all.

Here is what I know about the last two weeks. I have had a total of 4/9 days where watching what I am eating has not been a priority. I have been dealing with a left knee that is only now starting to co-operate with movement. I have started packing and purging my apartment like a mad woman. Change is the word of the day on a regular basis, but I have not once caved and done any binge eating. Yes I have eaten a few things that are on the “no fly” list, but I haven’t once sank back into a black hole of binge eating abyss. This is a step forward for me.

Ruthless compassion. This journey is not about being done perfectly. That I am crystal clear about. For me it is acknowledging and reaching out when I am struggling or feel myself slipping backwards. Being compassionate with myself and not being such a drill sergeant. Also not allowing the same thoughts and patterns over the last 9 days to continue. I know that there are going to be some of you reading this, passing judgment. That is fine, pass away. To judge is human, but I hope that when you struggle and are sliding back into old habits that you embrace the judgment that others are passing along to you.

No personal journey is about being perfect. I want nothing more than to go back to how easy week 1 was, before life crept in. Right now with the move I don’t know that that is possible, but I do know that I can control the food that goes into my mouth and I can go for short walks and my newest idea….making a cardio dance party out of packing.

Acknowledge your struggles, no matter how frequently they seem to appear and slowly they have less and less power. I will pass the 10lbs lost mark by April 1. That is my promise.

Where are you struggling? What are you struggling with? Shoot me an email (, message me on Facebook I am hear to listen and/or provide whatever help I can! Must be ok with no judgment, ruthless compassion and love.

Down & Dirty 30 – Day 11 thru 14

Universe & Oprah made no quams about sending me messages last week!

Universe & Oprah made no quams about sending me messages last week!

Yes I know I have been a bit M.I.A. I apologize! Here is why I have been missing in action…

Those that know me, know that I am a bit of a type A personality. I am also an Aries, which makes me a bit stubborn and I take my signs “Ram” like tendencies to an extreme at times. When faced with change I have been known to dig my heels in, resist and sometimes to the determent of my health tolerate way more than I should. All last week I was faced with so much change that the easiest thing for me to do was take a step back, watch my reactions and manage them. This was very difficult for me to do, because I could feel myself battle with wanting to dig my heels in and say “no no no no no no!” What are these changes??

I have been living in my current apartment for almost 9 years. I loved the neighborhood, it is in a great location and has a lot of character! Within the last 8-12 months quite a few things have been going on with my suite though. I have had issues with no heat in some of the coldest temperatures, black mold in the bathroom, peeling roof due to water damage and lost a few hundred dollars in groceries due to multiple fridge issues. In dealing with the building on these issues I had to/have to get quite forceful to get it dealt with. Some still haven’t been dealt with. I have had more cold/flu’s this season than I have in my life, although not souly due to this, but coming home to a cold moldy environment doesn’t help. I forced myself to make the decision to move and so I am…IN 2 WEEKS! I found and fell in love with the place so fast and I wasn’t expecting it to go that quickly and my new landlady is so lovely! I am so excited for the new space. I was then faced with having to have a difficult conversation with landlord, and start to look at moving….to a smaller space….with 9 years of accumulated stuff! The tears crept in a couple times.

So last week resulted in 3 days where eating well was not my top priority! I spent the weekend purging so much stuff that the guy at the Salvation Army next to me said “Wow! You come here lots this weekend!” I simply smiled and said “Still more to come!” I had to draw some hard lines in the sand about what I can take and not take with me as the space is a bit smaller. This is a huge change for me. There are changes going on at work, some other personal changes going on, all while also taking on changing my eating and exercise habits. Also last week I was dealing with a knee that was not having any part of exercise.

If there is one constant in life, it is change. Change for me was always met with food because I don’t handle change that well. Yes last week I let stress win a couple times and food slipped in as the way to appease the anxiety, but when I really look back….the food didn’t work. I have spent so much time healing my stomach from the poor eating that all it really did was give me a tummy ache and wicked heartburn. Shutting people out, didn’t work. Ignoring messages from my mom, didn’t work. What worked was talking through the stress/concerns/worry with a friend. Getting them out of my head and allowing them to contribute and support me through all this change.

The universe was pretty clear with messages last week regarding the change in my life. Standing in the line at the grocery store and going through some 90 magazines I have accumulated I was met with the messages you see in the picture. YES, UNIVERSE I GET IT! GET COMFORTABLE WITH CHANGE!

Yesterday evening I spent about an hour planning out the next two weeks. I planned out, packing, exercise, and meal prep. If I stick with the plan, that does have a week bit of wiggle room, I will be awesome come moving day. Change doesn’t need to be met with fear and anxiety, it can be met with open arms and an open heart which is my goal, not only in the next two weeks, but forever moving forward. I am unwilling to let my eating and exercise commitments lapse because staying focused on those while all of this is going on, will only help me handle the stress and anxiety that much better!

Packing & pruging of 9 years worth of stuff has begun!

Packing & pruging of 9 years worth of stuff has begun!



Down & Dirty 30 – Day 10

strength_motivational_quoteExcellent! My knee is feeling 95% better, despite the rest being frustrating beyond belief! It is funny to me that all I want to do right now is exercise! Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed getting caught up on The Voice the last two nights, but really I wanted to walk….run….move. I know I have talked about this before….there are so many benefits to regular exercise.

  1. Improves your mood – have you ever been in a bad mood and that bad mood continued after you went for a walk or spent some time punching a bag?
  2. Boosts energy – can’t begin to tell you how much more energy I had last week with exercising and eating right
  3. Helps to control different medical conditions
  4. Aids in weight loss and control – this one speaks for itself
  5. You sleep better – I have way more restful sleeps and wake up feeling better
  6. You have better sex – this one because more endorphins, boost in confidence…oh la la
  7. It’s fun – honestly what is better than being outside when the sun in shining! Walking/biking/hiking/rollerblading – take your pick of activities

Honestly…Google “benefits of regular exercise.” I’ll wait…..go ahead…..

You will probably come across the Mayo Clinic link where I pulled the above information from 🙂

Knowing that I haven’t been able to exercise I can control what goes into my mouth so that was where I was on point yesterday. I came in with 2 points to spare at the end of the day. Work on what you can control and let go of what you can’t. I just heard Van Wilder in my head…


What are you going to do for exercise today? What are you going to let go of? What are you going to give up so you can have better sex?!?! 😉


Down & Dirty 30 – Day 9

Fitness-MotivationWarning….failure struggle alert!

Yesterday started out with the best of intentions, but with a major change for myself approaching and an injury….old habits won yesterday! I can’t quite share what the change is just yet, but probably by Friday. I intended on going for a deliciously long walk yesterday after work to help deal with some stress and anxiety I have been experiencing about this approaching change. Throughout the day my left knee had been bugging me, not able to fully straighten it while standing. Feeling like I may have been being a bit of a baby I attempted to start the walk, but didn’t get terribly far before having to sit down on a bench and acknowledge that this may be a bit more than “Nikki being a baby.”

I did a wee bit of binge eating last night. No where close to what I have previously known myself to do. I made a phone call to my mom to talk about some of the anxiety and stress and feeling much better I threw out the rest of the contraband that was still sitting on my table. Happy I did it….no. Happy I caught myself and tried to come up with an alternate solution……absolutely.  I then had to deal with the horrible stomach ache and headache that started about an hour later. Clear evidence that my body can no longer handle it….

I know that expecting to be 100% accurate through this journey is unrealistic and if anyone is expecting me to be…well I hope you are 100% accurate in your life before judging me. I had the thought that I wasn’t even going to post today, that I was just going to hide it and not acknowledge it, but that promotes shame, which promotes the behavior and I ain’t down with that. *insert my black sista friend, Nikita, here snapping her fingers*

My knee requires a day or 2 to rest, which I will give it. I have done some stretching as well as icing it and using this amazing stuff I call my Chinese Medicine tape. I can not read what it says on the can, but it is terribly sticky tape that is covering in herbs and stuff that smells about 100 times worse than Tiger Balm, but it works like a hot damn! I am also going to look at switching up my exercising and perhaps add in some pool activities to ease the pressure…all things I will consult my trainers and doctors on!

Ok….now I am rambling with a “to do” list a mile long today!