Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

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Mindfulness…

PhotoWell….today you get another 2 for deal!

The last two days has been an exhausting …literally. I do not know what is going on, but sleep is all I have wanted. I got 7 hours of sleep Sunday night and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open yesterday. Then I did something I swore I would NEVER DO…I fell asleep on public transit, I couldn’t help it. I sat down and then next thing I know I am opening my eyes and the bus is pulling into the Skytrain station. Then last night I was snuggled in my bed and asleep by 8:30PM. Even this morning I am still feeling a little sleepy. However, today I feel more alert that I did yesterday. I am not certain what is going on, but I am listening carefully.

I had one of those really great Sunday’s where you do just what you need to do, like laundry and a little cleaning. Then the rest of the day was spent doing things that I wanted to do. Had breakfast with one of the besties, went for a walk, took a nap, did a little writing, some reading, some meal prep for the week, painted my nails and dealt with an eyebrow situation. I was calling it Self-Care Sunday and it was delightful.

For about ten minutes Sunday evening I felt a little guilty about what I had eaten and that I wasn’t tracking. When I realized any thing I had eaten wasn’t done out of avoiding a feeling or trying to escape something. I ate it because it was freaking tasty and I enjoyed eating it. I didn’t binge eat or over eat and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had an entire day where I ate mindfully. It was a unique experience for me and it made me smile.

Yesterday was a typical Monday at work, always busy. I was on point with my eating, which included a sandwich from Subway and even a little bag of chips. That is one of the things I love about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want, never leaving yourself feeling deprived or like there are foods that are “off limits.” It all boils down to choices, moderation and balance.

Today I am returning to the gym after I do one very important task…..VOTE!

Ugh…

9c1ba1181d4be272404ae56f16dfb53bOk, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.

I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.

I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.

Let’s see what today brings….

I’m Fat…

FatI know the title is quite….blunt, at least it is for me. For the longest time I had this adverse reaction when ever anyone used the word “fat” around me. I would get ridiculously bent out of shape, anger and sometimes even rage would take over. I despised being called fat and would pitch a fit that could put a toddler tantrum to shame, then…

I saw this photo a couple weeks back and it started to percolate. Then I started thinking about women like, Tess Holiday, Whitney Thorpe and even Ashley Graham. For the record, I do not consider Ashley Graham fat in any way share or form, but bare with me, I have a point….I promise.  When these three women started to appear in social media, for the various reasons they did, I was irritated. I was not on board with what they were preaching to the masses. They were all talking about body confidence, body positivity, loving your body at any size and other varying forms of those messages. I was not “picking up” what they were “puttin’ down.” I would get bent out of shape and angry when people would ask me what I thought about their message. Then last week Tess posted on Snapchat and Instagram her experience with an Uber driver who was shaming her for her size. As someone has had that same experience, also the reason I will never set foot in a Royal City Taxi again, it really got me thinking. Tess fought for herself in that video. She didn’t post that video to shame him in return, she posted that video to show that this is not OK, shaming someone is not OK. I tried to remember when the last time I fought for myself was….it took a while to remember….

I don’t fight for myself, so much so that earlier this year it caused an argument with my best friend, where we didn’t talk for a week. If you know me and her you know that is like years in our world! She was fighting for me and my health and I wasn’t. I wait until my body is screaming at me before I do anything. Case in point, my gallbladder. I had so many symptoms but I ignored them. Work needed me, friends needed me, the new series I was binge watching on Netflix needed to be finished. I landed myself in the hospital for a week in more pain than I can ever explain. Then, in February my gallbladder came out, 3 days later I was back working from home,10 days later I was back at work, 6 weeks later I was back in the surgeon’s office getting a warning about my recovery.

So, I discovered this little nugget of insight and sat down in a session with my amazeballs counselor lady and the tears started flowing. Here is the thing. I am fat. I have excess weight, more than the average person. Me being fat is just a fact, it doesn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of doing things and it certainly doesn’t mean I am not beautiful. But…you have to stand up and fight for yourself and for your body. Fat people do, more so than others because when people see you, they love to jump to conclusions. They assume all your numbers like cholesterol and thyroid function are all out of wack. They assume that you are diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. I am not and all my numbers are in the perfect/normal range and I am taking that for granted, so I am going to fight for myself and stop waiting for my body to scream at me before listening.

The last time I remember fighting for myself was a year, may two years back, when I did a 30 Day Challenge with myself. I was dialed into my body functions, I was exercising regularly, eating in a way that was respectful to my body and I loved every day of that challenge. Then I stopped, because of a multitude of reasons and excuses. I am going to start that challenge over again, although, if I am honest the word challenge feels like I am setting myself up to fail already, so if you have any name ideas, feel free to chime in!

So get ready for daily posts, some funny workout selfies, and some uncomfortable moments of what fighting for yourself looks like!