Hi There!

370 Days since my last post. Are you ready?

I have wanted to sit down and write everyday for the last couple of months, but it was always a combination of concern, worry and anxiety that would have be not write a single word…. until today. I realized that I was always writing for someone else. I was always writing for you, the person reading this. I was always trying to make sure that what I was writing was motivating, moving, inspiring and it was hard to write on the days that I wasn’t feeling those things myself. I could never come online and share the bad days, the rough days as fully as they were happening, so I realized that a change was necessary. Change…. has a big place in my life at the moment. It is happening everywhere and for the first time in a very long time, I am embracing changes with open arms.

I love writing. I love sharing. I don’t care that my grammar is horrible, and I overuse punctuation and use it in the wrong places. I am not writing to be portray this perfect image anymore. I am writing to share my story. To share my journey. To share, the good, the bad, the ugly and to hopefully show just one person that they are not alone. That if I can fall down a thousand times and keep getting back up to try again, they can too.

Here is what I have learnt in the last year:

  • Change doesn’t have to be anxiety inducing or scary
  • Embracing your faults is a good thing
  • Going on adventures if mandatory
  • People you thought would be in your life forever, will no longer be there and that can be a good thing.
  • Motivation is fleeting
  • You can find inspiration in the oddest places
  • Humans are scary
  • Humans are a breath of fresh air
  • Loving yourself is the best gift of all
  • Finding your purpose in life isn’t this big A-HA moment like it is in the movies
  • Things don’t always go according to plan and sometimes that is the biggest gift of all

Change is hard work, it is a struggle in the face of no motivation and I have never wanted to do the work daily. I have never wanted to face the fact that all the insights into my personal and mental health mean squat if you are not willing to translate that into daily work.

In short, it is time to show the hard work it takes to change and go after what you want and pursue your passion and your purpose.

Fat Shaming…

A girl & her lucky hat

A girl & her lucky hat

For the first time in a long time I experienced a blatant display of fat shaming.

It inevitable this holiday season that, if you are travelling, you will be, at some point, squished into a plane, train, or automobile. There will be trip delays, cancellations, and you will probably end up sitting next to someone that smells bad, wants to talk your ear off, or, like me, a bigger plus size person who takes up a majority of my assigned space.

On Sunday, I flew from Vancouver to Kelowna to visit my mom for Christmas. Thanks to the amazing arctic front that has been cuddling with a majority of North America, Vancouver has had the pleasure of experiencing an intimate relationship with snow and freezing temperatures. On Sunday, we got another heaping of the white stuff and the airport had forced cancellations and delays. Thanks to my lucky hat, which I wore ALL DAY, my flight only experienced a 20 minute delay, but because of all the cancellations earlier in the day, I was now on a sold out flight.

I was assigned an emergency exit row window seat. SCORE 2 points for the lucky hat! I was on cloud nine….until a very tall older gentleman sat down in the seat next to me and then a man next to him. I gave my usual polite smile, which was ignored. I thought to myself, no worries, perhaps he has had a long day full of lineups and cancellations, etc. He sits down adjusting himself, that involved a lot of heavy long sighs. Then out came his phone. As the lovely flight attendant was going over the emergency exit demonstration I was distracted by the ferocious typing happening next to me. Now, normally I mind my own business, but it was clear that he has trouble seeing because even with his glasses the text on his screen was quite large. What did I see displayed on his screen….comments about my size, my fat ass, my probable inability to open the door, certainly couldn’t fit through the door and how ugly I was. Further remarks, about my eating habits, how lazy I must be, how clearly I am single because who would want to sleep with me…..I can feel the anger rising again just thinking about it. …you get the picture. Thanks to being on a new plane, equipped with internet this went on a majority of our 40min flight. It even involved a social media update. Yes, I was a nosy parker, it was like a bad train wreck, I couldn’t not look! He was constantly adjusting in his seat, heavy sighs and he would look over and roll his eyes.

At first I was super uncomfortable. Yea, I know I take up the whole seat and surrounding space. I found myself trying to hide, pulling my hat down further, wrapping my hoodie around me, trying to hide my face. Then I thought to myself ” Eff you my friend.” I pulled out my iPod and put on some super angry type music and turned up the volume. I thought to myself, I am going to make his flight even more uncomfortable with some horrible music, because I am certain people AS OLD AS HIM hate that kind of stuff. All it did was make me angrier. I was certain I was going to say something. I came up with some really great one liners, some of them that would surely sting him and others that showed my humor. Yup, as soon as we were getting off the plane I was gonna strike like a snake or a scorpion.

By the time we were told to buckle up, because we would be arriving in Kelowna, I was just sad. It has been a long time since I had experienced something like that, so direct and in my face. As soon as the wheels touched the runway, I knew that I wasn’t going to say anything because there would be no point.  Trying to hurt or reason with a person like that is like beating your head against a brick wall. I choose to take the higher ground and put my faith in good ol’ karma….but it still stings a little.

It is Christmas, my absolute favorite time of the year. I should just let this roll off my back, but I don’t understand the direction that humanity is headed in lately. So, I am going to steal Ellen’s tagline “Be kind to one another folks.” We all have destinations that we are trying to get to and missions to accomplish. We can do it with compassion, kindness and understanding. I promise you will have a happier holiday season because of it!

 

Tacos & Blisters….

Monday...DONE!

Monday…DONE!

Tired….that is the only word that I can use to describe myself right now. I know it is going to take my body some getting used to with these 5AM wake up calls, but holy moly…I just wanna climb into bed and sleep. Then I remembered that I owe you peeps a post!

I have a small confession….Saturday and Sunday were not spent completely off the wagon, more of a holding onto the reins as the wagon spins mildly out of control. Ok, yes I realize that that analogy is somewhere between a wagon, horses and a car. Wagons don’t drive themselves…oh bugger, nevermind, if you can’t sort that one out on your own you need sleep like I do.

Saturday was met with some fries for lunch, because someone didn’t pack a snack for her short shift at work. Saturday evening was met with Tacos and a margarita with one of the girls from work. In our haste to leave work and eat Tacos I left my runners at work. Sunday then involved a pair of very old runners that caused a really bad blister on my left heal… oh, and it also involved eating pizza. Refusing to skip the gym I took those old runners and headed to the gym yesterday morning were I absolutely crushed a cardio/weight session! It was an amazing feeling to accomplish that so early in the morning. I was quite proud of myself. I have a lot of work to do on my push ups and I still hate burpees with a fiery red passion, but I did it!

Here is what I got from the weekend. Excess weight is typically driven by an avoidance of dealing with an emotional issue or feelings, when you begin to process and peel back the layers to those issues and feelings you are left with the genuine choice of ” Do I want to eat that?” “Do I enjoy eating that?” “Does it taste good?” Did I eat perfect, no. However, for the first time I made the conscious choice to eat those foods. I didn’t eat them to stuff an emotion or avoid a feeling, which is absolutely what previously drove my eating habits. As I work on my mental game and peel back the layers of why I eat it is giving me the strength and drive to make conscious informed choices when I am presented with those foods. For the record I no longer enjoy fries, they are really quite gross, but tacos and pizza….yup those are keepers for sure!

This week I am going to add another gym session, bringing it to 4 this week with a good mixture of cardio and weight training. I have prepped all my protein sources for the week and meals, up until Thursday. I am feeling strong and looking forward to what this week will bring, who knows maybe I will actually complete a box jump this week…maybe…

Never What You Think…

This is my "meh" face lol

This is my “meh” face, taken Friday after the gym

It is Saturday morning…pouring rain in Vancouver….and I decided to step on the scale. Not a number I was hoping to see, but if I am honest, it has been some time since I have stepped on a scale. It is higher than the last time and I am struggling to not pick up the proverbial mental bat. It very well could be smaller than last week, but I don’t know because I have been avoiding the scale…..hmmm need to sit with this one for a minute.

35minutes later….

Ok….so I haven’t been doing all this work on my mental game to let a number dictate how awesome I felt this week. It isn’t about watching the number go down on a scale this time. It is about making better choices and eating mindfully. It is about moving more and getting to the gym because it is something I really enjoy doing. It is about building a relationship with my mind, body and soul. The number on the scale is only one tool to gauge how well I am doing that, not the only tool. You can read a billion and one articles and I am simply going to summarize with this…..that number does not define me or who I am. It does not define what I accomplished this week. Here is what I did kick ass at this week…

  1. After not having been to the gym in a couple months, I went 3 times… IN THE MORNING. I left each time with a sense of accomplishment
  2. I hit 10K on the ol’ Fitbit EVERY day this week and I haven’t done that IN MONTHS!
  3. I ate mindfully everyday this week. I was 100% conscious to every piece of food that went into my mouth. I made smart decisions. I made 90% good choices with 10% fun choices. Over the last couple months it has been a lot more of the fun choices than the good choices…LOL!

I have said this before and I will say it again….I am also not the first once to rip off this phrase….this is a marathon, not a sprint. Habits, patterns, and goals take time to develop and achieve. I am investing a lot in the mental game this time around to have a number take me off track.

Time to crush the weekend!

Thursday's walk with the bestie...we killed the 10K step goal after a healthy yummy vegan dinner :)

Thursday’s walk with the bestie…we killed the 10K step goal after a healthy yummy vegan dinner 🙂

Stupid Muscles….

Shameless gym shower selfie after a hard cardio & core session yesterday

Shameless gym shower selfie after a hard cardio & core session yesterday

So….normally I type my posts the night before…however when I arrived home last night I was a new level of tired. I was in bed and asleep by 9:45. I woke up this morning and my body was all kinds of sore and the minute I attempted to role over in bed my abs were having no part of it! So I had a conversation with myself. Should I a.) push through the soreness and mild lower back pain, not write a post today and go to the gym for my planned workout or b.) listen to my body get up, write a post, do some really good stretching and convince the bff that is coming over for dinner tonight to go for a walk….I chose b….which you probably gathered as you are currently reading a post!

It was a tough decision because part of me doesn’t want to lose momentum and is really enjoying my morning workouts, but the other part of me has to remember that I haven’t moved my body like this in some time, so I need to listen to my bodies signals to avoid injury, which would take me out for a longer period of time. I have some pretty temperamental hip muscles which can send my lower back into spasm quite easily. As I try to strengthen those muscles to avoid this from happening I don’t want to cause them to spasm by not listening to my body. Oh, and the bff was texted (yes, she gets up early too…FYI it is 5:45am as I type this) and we are walking this evening pending a rain storm…..

What I lug from home, gym,work and home on gym days...call me bag lady ;)

What I lug from home, gym,work and home on gym days…call me bag lady 😉

The mental game of weight loss is a tough one because for 95% of people with weight issues it is a mental issue that has the weight present on the body. I have been doing work recently on the mental side of this game. This morning I had to utilize a couple “tools” to have the conversation with myself that didn’t involve beating myself up with a “mental bat” for not going to the gym and being a “big baby” with some muscle soreness and trusting my body’s signals to rest. We all have that voice in our head that chimes in with opinions and comments that is difficult to silence. There was a part of me last night that thought that this was going to happen this morning because the muscle soreness and lower back was already setting in, but I still packed for the gym and promised myself I would check in in the morning, so here we are!

I am off to do a bit more stretching and get ready for the day, but going to leave you with a pretty cute video to make you giggle…mildly

Conspiracy….

The universe was testing my will yesterday morning! I slept through one alarm, rushed out of the house and then, in an effort to save myself 10 mins, I hopped on the skytrain where I sat….between stations….for 30 mins. Feeling a bit defeated I was tempted to turn around and go home, but instead I decided to come up with a plan B. I had planned on doing 45 mins of cardio and then a killer core workout, but as my time on the skytrain ticked on, I had to remove something, so the core workout got the axe.

I am not gonna lie…working out in the morning gives me this sense of satisfaction. It is done, off my plate and I don’t have to think about my workout for the remainder of the day. I get to come after work and relax, prep for the next day, maybe watch a tv show, write a post….kinda love it!

I spend a majority of today trying to come up with a whitty name, set some goals for this challenge I laid down yesterday…. and the bottom lines is ….I just want to get out of bed every morning, crush my workouts, eat healthy and mindfully, accomplish some things I have never done before, go on some adventures, explore and create some memories. No pressure, no shame, no sabotage just doing what I said I would and repairing the relationship with my body.  The only promise I want to make is to myself that starting with these 30 days my relationship with my mind and my body is more important than anything else. Without this healthy relationship I am unable to support and give back to others when my tank is on empty.

With the recent passing of Muhammad Ali, he had this one line that I have been hearing over and over again in my head this week “I’m gonna show you how great I am.” Living for a great life, not just any life. So….I am going to write everyday for the next 30 days as a way to stay accountable, it will mostly be health and fitness related, but there will also be some other little yummy tidbits thrown in!

Life….

IMG_0352

Hiked Rattlesnake Point…kind of an epic view!

Well hello there party peeps….yes, it has been some time. Life has definitely been…”life”ing!

There has been a lot going on over the last few months and I needed to take a step away. I needed to take a few deep breathes, some personal time and sort things out for myself. It hasn’t been easy, there have been tears, moments of self discovery and tapping into a level of strength that I didn’t know I had. I feel as if my eyes are starting to open for the first time, the blinders are coming off and I am standing up for myself, what I believe in and what I want. Now, those that know me are probably thinking…”Hmmm the Nikki I know isn’t much of a wallflower or doormat.” Let me just say, what you see on the outside is very different from what is going on on the inside. I have debated if I was even going to continue this blog…my domain name came up for renewal last week and I had to sit down and give it some thought and when I dug deep, I miss the writing…it is therapeutic and it helps me so….for purely selfish reasons ya’ll are stuck with me, my bad grammar, crappy punctuation, and poor English skills!

With that said I am kicking off my return with another 30 day challenge. Don’t ask me the name, because I literally just decided that as I was sitting here typing this, so by tomorrow’s post I will have the name and the details! Here is what I know so far….

  1. I have started a new job that has very different hours from my old, so my workouts now have switched to mornings….let me tell you I am NOT a morning person, but I am going to make the necessary adjustments, because the whole not going to the gym is not an option
  2. It is summer time and I have made a list of summertime activities that I am going to explore – some of these activities are solo for a reason and some of them I am very welcoming of friends and family to join. I will provide the list in a post this week!

My goal for this 30 day challenge is health and fitness….getting back in the groove, feeding my soul and for one of the first times in my life, doing things for me because I want to!

Stay tuned for all the details….

 

Project 37 – Day 13

PhotoGrid_1455551258445_resizedGood Morning Peeps!

So in the interest of 100% honesty, I went a bit sideways this weekend, but learnt some really great lessons!

Saturday I was a bit of a lazy sloth and didn’t really get off the couch until 3pm when I headed up to the grocery store because I had done zero grocery shopping for the weekend. Mistake number one. Going grocery shopping when hungry. Here is where my “cheat meal” turned into a “cheat evening.” I had decided that my cheat meal was going to be one of those Delissio oven pizza’s. I don’t know what it is about them, but I love them! Shameful fact, I used to be able to eat a whole one by myself. I ate 3 slices on Saturday and I was so full. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea, but about an hour later I added jelly beans and wine gums, then some chips. By about 10pm I had the most horrific stomach ache. I was trying to will my body to vomit, just to get the pain to stop. I climbed into bed with a bottle of tums and had the worst nights sleep with several visits to the bathroom.

Sunday morning I woke up at about 8am and I could still feel that my tummy was off. I had hot water with a slice of lemon. I was spending the afternoon with my cousin and I knew I wasn’t going to have anything at the theatre. Mistake number two. I ate 2 slices of left over pizza at noon and 15mins later my tummy was unhappy. The rest of the pizza then went into the compost. Lots of water, some serious laughing at the new Deadpool movie and my cousin and I were off to a new Mexican restaurant that opened in New West called El Santo. Mistake number three. I am new to the world of spicy foods. This food was so insanely delicious! I highly recommend this place if you are looking for really great Mexican food! A plate of green peppers arrived at our table and the waitress smiled and informed us that eating this is like playing Russian Roulette, there were a couple hot ones and some plain ones. I got two spicy ones and there was a lot of food consumed….again….I was once again willing the pain to stop because I was once again dealing with a very unhappy tummy. With no one to blame but myself, I ate nothing the rest of the night but Tums and warm water.

I am looking forward to returning to clean/healthy eating this week. Flushing my system of the toxins and crushing some workouts at the gym!

Lesson #12: My tummy can not handle food like it used to. This is a very good, very painful lesson to learn. The foods you once enjoyed no longer serve you purpose or enjoyment! Listen to your body!

Lesson #13: Listen to your body! I know I know, I promise I don’t mean this in the same way as lesson #12. We are all born with and develop a natural intuition. Over the years, some of us learn to ignore it, second guess it, or some develop it and use it as a very useful tool in their lives. Here is what I have schooled in about it recently. NEVER EVER ignore it. In the times I ignored it, I shouldn’t  have and in the times I listened, I was bang on. Trust yourself, trust your instincts and never be afraid to stand up for them.

Love: My family. I come from a ridiculously large family. Some members I am close with, some I only see at family functions. As nutty and silly as my family is at times I am very thankful that no matter what, no matter how long it has been, I have a team of people that always have my back!

This mornings 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

Project 37 – Day 11

Almost...not really...beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Almost…not really…beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Good Morning Peeps!

So…..I am super mad this morning and am currently trying to talk myself off a ledge, so what better place to do that than here with you. This morning was weigh-in and I was super excited to step on the scale. I stepped up my workouts, I ate well this week, there were a couple blips, not with bad food, but with a little snacking, but I stayed under 2000 calories EVERY day and my calorie burn was over 3000 all but 1 day, so WTF!?!?!

I have an angel vs. devil conversation going on on my shoulders right now. The angel…You added weight training this week that builds muscle, muscles weighs more than fat. The devil…yeah, but you missed Wednesday cause you were being a baby about your hip. The angel…you posted a 5.6 lbs loss last week, your body is just normalizing itself again. The devil…you slipped and fed me bread twice this week and we LOVED IT! MORE! The angel…stay the course, you can do this. Remember it is a marathon, not a sprint. The devil…just throw in the towel, you won’t ever do this. This is the back and forth going through my brain right now. I didn’t drink as much water as I should have, I have my “ladytime” right now. I didn’t sleep that well this week. My body and muscles are stiff and sore today so I know I have been doing the work. Was I 100% perfect this week with eating…no, but I was a solid 98%. The winning voice is going to be “Just breathe Nikki, stay the course.”

Today is Saturday, I don’t share everything on this blog, because it just isn’t appropriate….but let me say, yesterday sucked ass in a big big way. Despite having a shitty day when the urge to just EAT was overwhelming, I didn’t. I went to the gym and had a very sweaty cardio workout instead, then the bestie came over and we talked out my crappy day instead of eating. Today will be deep breathes, meal and exercise planning for next week. I will so also not be tracking today. I do have a cheat meal planned for dinner tonight and I am not gonna lie, I am kind of excited 🙂

Love: that I seem to be able to stop the urges to binge eat before they happen and the one time it started this week I was able to interrupt it quickly and swiftly before it turned into anything

Lesson #11: Deep breaths and a calm demeanor can go a long way. I have a bit of a habit of being able to go from zero to over reacting in about 2 seconds flat. Yesterday I was able to reign it in, listen to by gut and prepare my mind for some conversations that need to happen next week. I used to be really great and sweeping things under the rug, but one of the things I took on this year was stepping up and stepping out, this is all part of that.

This mornings 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

Project 37 – Day 10

The face you make when your legs are toast and walking is a struggle

The face you make when your legs are toast and walking is a struggle

Goooood Morning Peeps!

I am some serious kind of tired this morning…HOLY! I had an insanely busy day at work that ended with a couple frustrations, piled on top of PMS, so after a tearful phone call with my Mom it was off to the gym, despite my overwhelming desire to just go home. Leaving work at 6:30 getting to the gym for 7:15, by the time I got home it was almost 9:30, then it was a protein shake, make my lunch for today, shower, stretch and bed. Working out 2 hours later than normal, makes winding down before bed a bit of a challenge let me tell you. I am was so stinkin’ proud of the workout I crushed! I did have one struggle at the gym….the gym I go to has a ladies only section, but I normally workout in the “all” section because I am more comfortable there. I find women tend to be more judgmental and are watching me, where as when I am in the “all” section people could care less. There were two young girls in the section and I got instantly uncomfortable and I had to have a conversation with myself to keep going. It is weird the little games and tricks your mind tries to play on you!

This morning I get my “clicking” hip taken care of and my chiro is going to make me feel like a big pool of jelly, just in time for a cardio only session tonight before weigh in tomorrow morning! I always get nervous the day before weigh in. Did I do everything I could? I feel bloated today, maybe I should wait till Sunday. That little voice inside my head is NEVER ENDING! Don’t look at me like I am crazy, you all have that voice, I promise you!

Love: MUSIC! I have a serious love of music! I have all types of music playing all the time. I start my day with music playing and I end my day the same way. Music has this really great way of helping me processes feelings.

Lesson #10: The struggle was real last night!  Make sure you go to the bathroom before you start hard core sweating at the gym, because compression leggings do not make it easy! I swear, I was hopping around in that bathroom stall like a spastic bean getting electrocuted!

This morning’s 5 min dance party was brought to you by…