WOW! This is the only word that I can think of to describe this past week and a bit.
Last week I climbed into a taxi at 6:30am Sunday morning experiencing a level of pain I thought was going to kill me. I had gotten zero sleep the night before and no amount of Tylenol or Ibuprofen would touch the pain. The taxi driver was so sweet, he helped me walk into the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital where I spent the next 5 days high on a lot of pain medication and antibiotics, waiting for the surgery to have my gallbladder removed. To give you a bit more perspective on the pain….I was in a room with 3 other people and talking with a lady who just had HER SPINE operated on and has given birth to 5 children said ” I would rather give birth, with no drugs, again or have this spine surgery a million more times than go through my gallbladder again.”
I was discharged late Thursday afternoon, with my irritated organ still intact. I was not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING from the minute I walked through the ER doors till Thursday morning when the decision was made to release me and schedule the surgery for a later date. That’s what happens when you are placed on the emergency general surgery list. Nothing to eat or drink because you can go into surgery at any moment. I kept getting bumped. Wanna know what happens when you put a fat girl in the hospital, where a majority of humans are at their most vulnerable and take away food, her one comfort…. She discovers a new layer of strength she never knew she had.
There were days that I laid in that bed and just cried. The nurse would come in and ask me what was wrong and I would look at her and just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, sad, etc” Whatever emotion was there I would say it. There was nothing they could do to help me, it was like an unintended session of extreme Exposure Therapy…..but I survived. I survived one of the most painful experiences of my life. I learnt that people that I previously would have bet money on coming to visit, didn’t and won’t. Also, people that you didn’t think would notice, call or text you everyday or they start calling every hospital till they find you once they find out you are in the hospital.
I learnt that I am one helluva strong woman that is loved, cared for and appreciated. Sitting on my bed just now reflecting on the past week and all of a sudden feeling that strength run through me, it made me smile. It made me happy.
Recently I have been asked as to what my goals and intentions are around my health and fitness. I promptly responded with my “a healthier, happier version of me.” That has been my standard response for about the last year until I was called out over the weekend. I could be a happier version of me at this size, hmmmm truth, so I did some thinking….
Now, it doesn’t matter what self-help book you pick up and motivational speaker you talk to, they will all tell you the same thing. Goals need to be “SMART” Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. When I look at my health and fitness in this manner I have lost my way a little bit. When I first began working with Taren and Emelia we laid out some pretty specific benchmarks, climb the Grouse Grind and complete a 5K. Both of which I did and since then I haven’t been working towards anything, I have been floundering and the scale and workouts reflect that. So last night I put pen to paper and did some brain storming and some writing.
Long Term Goals
- To weigh between 150-160lbs in 2 years – doing this with the Dr. prescribed 2lbs a week. According the math, I should reach this a head of the 2 year mark, but I am buffering in bad weeks (that is the smart part of it!)
- To be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection that is looking back at me along the way, not just when I reach the goal, but every day, regardless of the number that is on the scale
When I look at those two goals, they both scare me to bits and inspire me, but I still didn’t find my motivation for the gym….so, made a cup of tea and did a bit more thinking….
Along the Way Goals (for at least the next year)…
- To complete a 5k…again…running 95% of it and beat my last time (Summer 2015)
- To complete a 8K (Fall 2015)
- To complete a 10K (Spring 2016)
- To complete a half marathon (Summer 2016)
- Take up boxing/kickboxing (register by March 1, 2015)
- Climb the Grouse Grind (till I get my time down to less than an hour)
- Climb The Chief (Fall 2015)
Now, some of these I need to review with the trainers and see if they are logical, doable and all that good stuff…..part of me really wants to climb into a whole and hide because some of those I haven’t shared with anyone before. Really only Emelia knows how much I enjoy the boxing/kickboxing sessions, probably more than the running, so that is something that I want to explore, not because I have any interest in stepping into an actual ring, but because I LOVE how I feel after I take those gloves off.
So…..there….that’s it…..excuse me while I go….do my best not to hide.