The Journey…

30 Day Fitness Challenge…I was asked this weekend why am I doing this. What is the purpose of this blog and I was taken aback because I didn’t fully know how to answer it. I have had so many visions and dreams about what I want to create for the world, for my life but at the bottom of all of those dreams is one sentence – to stop viewing myself as the underdog, as a failure.

Losing a large amount of weight naturally and in a healthy manner is not easy. It takes time, dedication, commitment, sheer will and determination. The fight to get back up, when, for what feels like the millionth time you have fallen down and are once again on your knees. It irritates me to no end the way some TV shows edit the journey of the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser. I battle on a daily basis the demons that lead me to the weight I am today. I have times where it is easy and you push forward each day, then you have a setback that lasts days, weeks or months. You deal with nasty comments, friends and family passing judgement, asking you “why don’t you just not eat?”  or “why are you wasting your money on a personal trainer when it isn’t working?” Those have become easier to ignore, the biggest battle comes from inside my mind. Letting go is the biggest challenge of all. Letting go of my thought patterns, my preconceived notions, letting go of what the journey looks like. I tell myself all the time, just let go. I am a control freak, what do you mean let go!?!?!

I have been lucky enough to start dating a pretty remarkable man who looked at me on our first date and asked me about all the things I didn’t want to talk about, my dreams, my insecurities and my fears. He simply smiled and said “Well, you are beautiful now and you’ll be equally as beautiful then.” My brain had a thousand and one rebuttals to that comment, but in the effort of letting go I grit my teeth, smiled and said “Thank you.”  Every day he asks me “how is the eating going?” and “what are you doing for exercise?” The first few days to say I was mildly irritated would be an understatement; going on the defense is my default mechanism when anyone asked me those questions. Dang it! I said I was going to let go, OK…fine….talking to him, coming from a place of support and allowing someone to support me, he has provided me with inspiration. My mother provides me with inspiration as she has recently lost a ridiculous amount of weight. My trainers that never give up on me and my friends who refuse to accept my bullshit. Lastly, my Grandmother, who despite no longer having all of her faculties, pressed her forehead to mine in a hospital room 9 years ago, after sitting with me for an entire day, not eating because I wasn’t allowed too due to surgery and said “You are special and you were put on this earth to do amazing things, you give people strength. Don’t screw it up.” Every time I see her and I see her smile and she presses her forehead to mine and looks at me I remember that sentence.  If I can be half the woman she is I will not fail.

The journey is part of the process. The journey is life and you have to remember what your goal is, what are you working towards? What do you want? When it is dark and you have fallen that is what you remember and you allow the people around you to help you get back up and remind you that you have not failed. As long as you are trying… have not and will not fail. I stood in front of a mirror today and for 10 minutes I allowed myself to envision what my life will look like in the future and I couldn’t help but smile and be inspired to do all the things that would set me up for a successful week.

Peeling the Layers….

IMG_9745416901369_Lucas_Vignette_SmokeI have a bit of a messed up relationship in the food department, as I have been sharing recently. I learnt how to deal with life through food.

Growing up I had a pretty great childhood, my parents did everything they could to ensure that my brother and I had everything that we needed. It wasn’t until I was faced with my best friend moving away to Saskatchewan around grade 5 did I begin to get my first taste of “life isn’t fair.” How did I cope with her moving? I ate. How did I know to use food at such a young age? I watched my mother cover her feelings with food. You do what you see.

Then as the weight started to appear the bullying at school began and so did the constant consuming of food. I used food to make myself feel better. Happy, I ate. Sad, I ate. Angry, I ate. Confused, I ate. Didn’t matter the emotion I ate. Instead of feeling what I was feeling and processing the emotions, I ate. Eating was the only constant in my life, food the only real friend.

Since sharing with all of you about my addiction to food I have begun to notice a shift, especially over the last two weeks. I feel as if I am starting to wake up a little bit. I am not getting the same “relief” or “satisfaction” that I used to get after eating or what I have since discovered is binge eating. The temporary window of gratification is not there. I have begun to ask myself “Why am I in the kitchen? Genuinely hungry or avoiding something? Thirsty?” I leave the kitchen and occupy my time with something more productive (like writing this post!).  I have walked through the grocery store, headed to the till and turned around and emptied my basket, replacing them with food that truly nourishes my body. I have stopped in the middle of a binge eating episode and thrown out all the food.

I know that this journey is only just finally beginning and that there are more good times and more challenging times ahead, I am scared, excited, nervous and everything else in between…..

Hope you stay tuned….