Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

Advertisements

Mindfulness…

PhotoWell….today you get another 2 for deal!

The last two days has been an exhausting …literally. I do not know what is going on, but sleep is all I have wanted. I got 7 hours of sleep Sunday night and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open yesterday. Then I did something I swore I would NEVER DO…I fell asleep on public transit, I couldn’t help it. I sat down and then next thing I know I am opening my eyes and the bus is pulling into the Skytrain station. Then last night I was snuggled in my bed and asleep by 8:30PM. Even this morning I am still feeling a little sleepy. However, today I feel more alert that I did yesterday. I am not certain what is going on, but I am listening carefully.

I had one of those really great Sunday’s where you do just what you need to do, like laundry and a little cleaning. Then the rest of the day was spent doing things that I wanted to do. Had breakfast with one of the besties, went for a walk, took a nap, did a little writing, some reading, some meal prep for the week, painted my nails and dealt with an eyebrow situation. I was calling it Self-Care Sunday and it was delightful.

For about ten minutes Sunday evening I felt a little guilty about what I had eaten and that I wasn’t tracking. When I realized any thing I had eaten wasn’t done out of avoiding a feeling or trying to escape something. I ate it because it was freaking tasty and I enjoyed eating it. I didn’t binge eat or over eat and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had an entire day where I ate mindfully. It was a unique experience for me and it made me smile.

Yesterday was a typical Monday at work, always busy. I was on point with my eating, which included a sandwich from Subway and even a little bag of chips. That is one of the things I love about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want, never leaving yourself feeling deprived or like there are foods that are “off limits.” It all boils down to choices, moderation and balance.

Today I am returning to the gym after I do one very important task…..VOTE!

Ugh…

9c1ba1181d4be272404ae56f16dfb53bOk, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.

I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.

I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.

Let’s see what today brings….

New Years….

Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt

With it being a new year, you can’t help but be a little introspective. Over the weekend I was with the bff and we were talking about where I was at with this coming year, what were my “resolutions”? There was only one word that kept popping into my mind. LIVE.

I went through some massive amounts of change in the beginning of 2014. Change is not something that any human deals well with, but when I look back this change didn’t kill me, it made me stronger brought me to some really great places.

I left a comfortable well-paying job with nothing lined up and I am now working in one of the most fun and rewarding offices in Vancouver with an amazing team that support and train each other. I have a boss that I learn from every day and takes time to care about her team members and their lives. I faced some health concerns that raised my stress levels beyond normal levels, but refused to stop till I found answers, and I have. I made it through the first year without my father. This has helped me grow as an individual and each day I gain faith and trust that no matter what the universe throws at me, I will survive, but that was the difference.

I no longer want to just survive, I want to live! Through our conversation here is what I discovered for myself. Surviving is waking up each morning, going to work, paying your bills, go on vacation, finding a person to marry and then passing on. That is a perfect life for some, but not for me. I have a good life, family, job, friends….but I want more. I want to live. I want to take risks, not know how something is going to play out. I no longer want to worry about being safe and secure. I am safe and secure in my knowledge that my friends and family will always be there to support me, no matter what happens, so this year I want to live. I want to face fears and tell them to “eff” off. I want to do things that I would never think of doing especially when that little voice says “nope, run, turn, hide, danger.” It is in these moments, that life happens and some of the greatest rewards present themselves. You get the career that you are excited about, you meet a person that alters the course of your life and you go to sleep at night with the thought of “Let’s do that again tomorrow.”

No I am not crazy, high or on any sorts of drugs, I just wanted to use up every ounce of life I am given. Tired of worrying about what people think of me and letting my fear of failing control what I do or don’t do. Let me be clear, I am not going to be irresponsible, cause harm to myself or others, but I took risks last year and survived and grew as a result. As afraid as I was I didn’t die! So more of that!

I want to travel, take kickboxing, run races, inspire others and as the quote says above arrive at the pearly gates with windblown hair going “Sweet ride.” I want to do one thing each day that scares me, the pushes me forward, pushes me to grow and live.

P.S – the only fear I am not willing to currently face is spiders…seriously let’s not push it 😉fa1e8be5ef4f5a98b35a6ec10dcce1a1_resized