Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

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Mindfulness…

PhotoWell….today you get another 2 for deal!

The last two days has been an exhausting …literally. I do not know what is going on, but sleep is all I have wanted. I got 7 hours of sleep Sunday night and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open yesterday. Then I did something I swore I would NEVER DO…I fell asleep on public transit, I couldn’t help it. I sat down and then next thing I know I am opening my eyes and the bus is pulling into the Skytrain station. Then last night I was snuggled in my bed and asleep by 8:30PM. Even this morning I am still feeling a little sleepy. However, today I feel more alert that I did yesterday. I am not certain what is going on, but I am listening carefully.

I had one of those really great Sunday’s where you do just what you need to do, like laundry and a little cleaning. Then the rest of the day was spent doing things that I wanted to do. Had breakfast with one of the besties, went for a walk, took a nap, did a little writing, some reading, some meal prep for the week, painted my nails and dealt with an eyebrow situation. I was calling it Self-Care Sunday and it was delightful.

For about ten minutes Sunday evening I felt a little guilty about what I had eaten and that I wasn’t tracking. When I realized any thing I had eaten wasn’t done out of avoiding a feeling or trying to escape something. I ate it because it was freaking tasty and I enjoyed eating it. I didn’t binge eat or over eat and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had an entire day where I ate mindfully. It was a unique experience for me and it made me smile.

Yesterday was a typical Monday at work, always busy. I was on point with my eating, which included a sandwich from Subway and even a little bag of chips. That is one of the things I love about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want, never leaving yourself feeling deprived or like there are foods that are “off limits.” It all boils down to choices, moderation and balance.

Today I am returning to the gym after I do one very important task…..VOTE!

Ugh…

9c1ba1181d4be272404ae56f16dfb53bOk, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.

I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.

I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.

Let’s see what today brings….

Changes…

It has been awhile since I have posted something, I apologize, but there has been a lot going on.  Thank you for your patience and it is the sheer joy of writing that has brought me back to help me through this difficult time.

Hmmm, I find myself not really knowing where to start, so I will just dive right in. I am facing some health issues that have been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. To say I have been stressed and losing sleep would be an understatement. I am not quite yet prepared to talk about them, but give me time, I eventually will when I have all the answers I need and a course of action to begin correcting the issue. I have seen two different Dr’s and I have an appointment this week with another. Now before those reading this jump to the far worst possible thing, on a scale of 1-10 of seriousness, in my head it’s a 9, but in reality it’s about a 4-5.

My DadSecondly, my father passed away just under a month ago. His passing has not been easy to try and get a handle on, but I have discovered that all you can do is take it one day at a time. My father was ill. He was an alcoholic and he was suffering from liver failure, but he was not seeking help for either. The coroner and the police were involved in my father’s passing due to the nature of it. The coroner told us that he fell, hit his head, but his liver and heart gave out before he could bleed out.  His neighbours were accustomed to seeing him daily and hadn’t seen him for a few days so they called the police. They estimated that my father was dead from 2-3 days before his body was discovered. My brother, mother and I then had to go to his apartment and see what we could salvage. To see the amount of blood, the smell….it is something that I will never forget.  While processing my father’s passing, a very close family friend lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed with and past from cancer in a matter of 3.5 weeks.  Life is dealing me a heavy hand at the moment.

Figuring out how to live my life without my father and with these health concerns is different. I admit to becoming a wee bit of a hermit. I have my good days and my bad. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having a mini meltdown, then I am fine again. I am easily frustrated, can cry at the drop of a hat and I am processing a level of anger that I have never experienced before.  What has me get out of bed is that every morning I wake up and I remember that I have friends and family that love me, a roof over my head, food in my fridge and there are people living in the world that are not so lucky and suffering from far worse situations than me.

My trainer Emilia could tell that my session was a difficult one for me this morning and I was not being the most chipper person, she asked me what made me happy and for the first time in my life I couldn’t think of one thing that made me happy, at the end of my session she said to do something fun today. Saw my family doctor this afternoon and he told me to be gentle with myself and to do something for me today. As I was heading home I realized that I love to write and I have missed it. For me this is an inexpensive form of therapy and in a small way makes me feel like I am not alone.

Changes have begun and I thank you for your patience and the messages that I have been missed; I am back and becoming a new version of me…