So It Ends…

PhotoGrid_1437576536520Last night I left work late again, but off to complete some cardio so that I can say I finished this 30 day challenge strong. My goal was 50mins of cardio and I tapped out at 45mins, yes 5 mins left and I won’t go into details as to why, just trust me when I say it wasn’t going to happen….lol. My body is sore, so very sore. Getting out of bed this morning took a 30min conversation with myself, convincing myself that I won’t die from pain by using my muscles. I have muscles, which I never knew existed, screaming at me. Today will most defiantly be a rest day. I need to listen to my body and have a date with my foam roller tonight.

Yesterday I went over my calories by 118…..I was a bit annoyed with myself until I realized that it was carrots and 2 of these turkey bite things that put me over. I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, Extreme Weight Loss, and Pearls and Heidi Powell were working through the emotions of her eating disorders, she was afraid to feed her body. I could completely relate, the leap from over eating to under eating is not a leap, it is one step. It is something I am conscious of on a daily basis. I have put down the baseball bat that I used on myself while binge eating, but I am clear that that bat is still within arm’s reach when I am watching my calories. Healthy eating, eating nutrient dense foods, feeding my body foods that fuel it that is my goal.

I crawled into bed last night, settled in, and it sunk in that it is officially over. I officially completed my 30 day challenge. I went 30 days without eating candy, cookies, cake, pizza, chips or any of the things that I used to binge eat on. There were many years where I was never able to lose more than 5 or 6lbs at a time, before I would take a detour and sabotage it on some level. I would have a “cheat day” that turned into a “cheat week” or “cheat month” before I found the road again because I didn’t believe I deserved it. However, in these 30 days I lost 10.4lbs and it isn’t about deserving it, it is about loving myself and honoring my word with myself, keeping the promise I made myself. Honoring that promise just as I would a promise I made another human. There were many moments that I wanted to quit, but my “why” pushed me. Yes I was tired, yes I was hungry but each time I realized that my “why”, my reason for starting, was bigger. A healthier happier version of me that is my reason. I laid in bed last night and just cried, I was proud. I proved that little voice in my head wrong. I looked it in the eye and told it to “F*CK OFF!”

I am in control here, this will not beat me. Food does not control me. I am standing up, stronger and better than ever. This is what I stand for. I am standing up for my health and for my dreams. Things are going to happen, but I will move so that I can grow and be the healthier happier version of myself.

I came out of my bedroom this morning….at the beginning I made a vision board on the wall above my desk. Every night I would come home and writes these posts with that board right in my face, reminding me. I will keep it up and continue to add to it, just as I will continue down this road.


Sexy In My Skivvies – Day 29

PhotoGrid_1437490387560So…..yes, this post is later than I have normally been posting, but alas here we go!

At about 3pm yesterday I had a case of the “I don’t wanna.” I don’t want to go to the gym. Here is the thing, when you surround yourself with a team of people and friends that support you, the moment a “toddler tantrum” takes hold it only lasts about 5 mins.  Here is what I discovered, there will be days I want to go and days I don’t. Then I am reminded that my goals are bigger than my reasons and excuses. I always joke that Taren or Emilia (my trainers) strip me of my ability to move after a training session….wrong. I have stripped myself of my ability to laugh and all I want to do is laugh at myself. I left the gym yesterday with a smirk on my face because I am constantly amazing myself with what I am capable of. Sure, I can’t hold a plank for more than a minute, my push ups don’t go that low to the ground, but the more I do the easier they get. I have to trust that all the dots in my training will connect down the road. I have to keep going, keeping exercising, keep training and I will see the results. Here is what I have found, I truly enjoy going to the gym. I like how I feel after I have worked out. I feel good, I feel strong, I feel positive.

I lost some calories again with the weight loss and I find it always takes me a day or two to adjust. I am also prepared to accept the fact that there will be days in the week that I am over and days of the week that I am under, it will wash out at the end of the week as long as I keep it top of mind. Yesterday I did a terrible job of balancing my carbs, fats and proteins and sure enough at 9pm last night I was hungry. I have also discovered that I need to try some new recipes because I get struck in a rut quite easily, so my goal for the rest of this week….1-2 new recipes to add to the mix!

I am feeling a bit sad today….perhaps nervous….also a little scared. Today is the last day of my challenge. Today is day 30. It’s hard changing your life, but in the process of working on my goals this past 30 days that is exactly what I have done and continue to do. There are going to be hard days and days where I fall down. I just won’t go backwards. Putting one foot in front of the other, moving from talking to actually doing…was one of the hardest steps I have taken and I won’t go back. If this is going to happen, it is up to me to stick with it, 30 day challenge or not.

Sexy In My Skivvies – Day 28

IMG_20150719_085712Well I done did it! Sunday morning is the day that I weight myself and check in on my progress. I woke up, was lazy in bed for about 45 mins before pulling out the scale. I stepped on, saw the number, stepped  off…”That can’t be right.” I stepped back on….”Nope still wrong.” Stepped off…..I crawled back into bed while I catalogued all the reasons why that number was not accurate. After another 10mins or so I walked back out and stepped on the scale. I looked down at the number, smiled and then proceeded to do a dance that was a combination of Eileen from Seinfeld dancing and Phoebe from Friends running. I took my normal weekly photo and then proceeded to dance my way back to my bedroom to grab my phone and share the good news with my Mom and a couple friends.

I LOST 3.8lbs LAST WEEK!!!! Bringing my challenge total to 10.4lbs lost!!!!!

When I started the challenge I set the target of 10lbs lost by the end of the 30 days. ACCOMPLISHED!!! I have not allowed myself to break that 10lbs loss barrier in a few years. I come close and then I stop. NOT THIS TIME!!!! BOOM!

Tomorrow is my last day in the challenge and the question I am getting a lot….”Are you going to eat everything you haven’t allowed yourself to eat in the last 30 days?” This question is usually met with a funny look on my part and then a “Nope.” I have spent the last 30 days working on removing the hold those foods have on my life, my emotions and my addiction to them. I am feeling a strength that I did not know was in me. Yesterday was also the final day of Molly Galbraith’s Love Your Body Challenge….I know it might sound like I am ending today, but I promise I will finish the challenge strong. At times I found her challenge a bit repetitive, but it was what helped me tap into the strength that I am feeling. The first week of this challenge was easy for me. I have done week 1’s of challenges lots before. It was week’s 2 & 3 that were the tests for me, but I did it. I FREAKIN’ DID IT!

What now….I keep going. Nothing changes except that I probably will not be posting every single day like I have been, but I promise to keep up at least 3 times a week. The eating will continue on the path that I have been with my focus remaining on nutrient dense good for me foods. I will also continue to exercise 5-6 days a week.  This was not a 30 day challenge and then go back to the behaviors prior to the start. This was a kick in the pants and finally walking the talk….don’t believe me…..just keep watching!

How will I celebrate? The one thing that I am craving….a scoop of chocolate ice cream….but I want the good stuff. I want a scoop of Ernest’s or a scoop from this amazing gelato place in east Vancouver. If I am going to have it then I want it to be the good kind. I have made the commitment that every 10lbs I get a little reward, this 10lbs will be a pedicure next weekend!

Love Your Body Challenge – Day 28

Because it’s perfect (and it could use a little improvement).

Mantra:  ”I am perfect, just as I am.  And I could use a little improvement.”

Action step:   Your action step for today is to retake the test from before Day 1 and compare your scores.

When I first took Molly’s quiz I scored 18 out of a possible 100 points. I just retook the quiz and I scored 51/100 points. My body is my body. It is mine with all of its roll’s, dimples, wrinkles, veins and scars. It is the perfect body for me right now and every day I work on improving it. I work on healing my relationship with my body and am becoming well versed in the art of forgiveness. My body is perfect. I have noticed a huge shift in my perspective on my body. I would never leave the house showing my arms. It could be 40 degrees outside and I will still have a little cardigan on. Over the last month the only time I have had a sweater on… work because the A/C is blowing. I say to myself all the time…”don’t like it, don’t look.” I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks about my body. I know that I am doing what I need to do to heal my body and my relationship with food. There is no one else that will do that but me.


Sexy In My Skivvies – Day 26 & 27

PhotoGrid_1437323268713_resizedSo I have no amazingly awesome excuse for not posting yesterday except….I remembered when I was out shopping with the bff and then by the time we got home I had to turn around and go right back out for a boat cruise. So, here I am this morning making up for it.

Friday evening my trainer, Taren, cancelled our session and I was tempted to go home, but instead I headed to the gym and crushed a cardio and upper body workout. I felt amazing! The struggle was really Saturday morning when I was in the shower and made the decision that washing my hair was not going to be worth the amount of pain it would inflict. As much as it hurt to lift my arms yesterday all I could do was smile. Then…yesterday…the bff and I did was walking and shopping. Did I mention that this walking, once again, involved the hills of New Westminster….they suck, but I am determined do them on a regular basis because it is such great cardio!

Nutrition hasn’t been to much of a struggle other than trying to learn/find a good balance of carbs, fats and proteins. PhotoGrid_1437323389266_resizedYesterday was a bit of a struggle because I was out and about a majority of the day it took a little more effort to ensure that I was eating in a conscious manner and not zoning out or eating whatever because of convenience. I currently at 27 days without cookies, cake, candy, chips, pizza or any of the other foods that I used to binge eat or consume on a nearly daily basis! YAY!!!!

Love Your Body Challenge – Day 27 

Because it allows you to love and be loved.

Mantra:  ”I love my body because it allows me to express and receive love freely.”

Action step:  Take 4 minutes to right down all of the ways that your body allows you to give love, and all of the ways that your body allows you to receive love, and spend the last minute allowing yourself to be filled with immense gratitude about it.

Molly covers off some ways that our bodies give and receive love. Kiss on the forehead from a Grandparent, a hug from your significant other, a hug from a long lost friend, a hug from anyone for that reason, nursing a new born baby, having your mom rub your back as your cry, holding your Dad’s hand…there are tons and tons of way one expresses and receives love. Touch has always been my favorite of all the five sense. A hug, a hand resting on the arm, a back rub….the list goes on. To me the sense of touch is one of the most intimate of the senses because it allows you to genuinely connect with someone no barriers. A smile to the people I pass the street. You never know what kind of day that person is having and maybe your smiles makes the difference….My body allows me to love…unconditionally…it is my mind that puts the conditions in place. As this challenge draws to a close tomorrow i am present to a profound sense of gratitude for my body.

Mucho hugs and love everyone!


Waking Up….

change-quoteSo this post will be a bit different…..this is what I have been dealing with mentally this week. What do you do with yourself once you remove food and binge eating as your coping mechanism?

I was silly enough to think that I might come out of the mental side of weight loss not having to face any reasons as to why I had gained the weight, that I was going to simply have to address my self-control issues. The first few weeks of this journey that was what I was beginning to get comfortable with until my show down last week at a company function, that was when the walls started to crack. Click here if you would like to go back and read that post to get caught up.  It started over the weekend with the appearance of my little black thundercloud last weekend and then it hit me like a ton of bricks Monday afternoon and there have been a few tearful conversations with the bff. What do you do with yourself once you remove food and binge eating as your coping mechanism? You actually have to sit down and face, work through, push through, and heal the reasons why you started eating. This is where I get quite personal, so if this stuff makes you comfortable stop reading…

I have always been a little left of center, awkward, never felt like I fit in anywhere. I say the wrong thing 95% of the time, sometimes creating weird looks and uncomfortable pauses. I don’t do well in large group situations because I know that I saw dumb stuff, so I tend to go quite. I know that right now you may be thinking ” we all saw dumb stuff.” Yes, we defiantly do some more than others…I tend to lean towards the extreme. It also doesn’t help that I am quite sensitive. I tend to take things far to personal and that puts of a lot of extra pressure and stress on myself.

I have done a lot of personal development work. Lord knows there are enough programs, books and audio tapes out there that can help you deal with your “stuff.” One of the programs I found the most effective for me was the Landmark Forum by Landmark Education. Like all programs/books I am a fan of what I call the “shopping cart” method. They will say things that work for you, that goes in your shopping cart, and things that you don’t identify with or agree with, those stay on the shelf. There was one part of that 3 day course that I never quite got until this week. It is the driving force, that one point in your life where you made a decision about yourself, inside your head, and you have been living it since. You see people have this moment all the time on The Biggest Loser and Extreme Weight Loss, that moment when they finally say out loud the reason they are the way they are. I got mine loud and clear this week and it has provided that second “click” in the puzzle of my weight loss journey.

I am awkward, alone and nobody likes me. I had this best friend growing up, Nicole (in fact she is probably reading this because through the wonders of Facebook we found each other again). She lived two blocks over, we were born a little over a month apart and there was a period of time we were inseparable. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. Her and her parents moved to Saskatchewan so that he dad could become a police officer. I remember watching their blue truck drive away and saying ” I am all alone now.” What unfolded from there was never really feeling like I fit in, so I started eating. Trying to make new friends was awkward when  you say dumb stuff. Then on top of that you add the bullying in school (nobody likes me), which brought more eating and I began to stuff the feelings with food instead of dealing with it. Even typing this I can feel the tears start to well up. It is funny how one situation that happens to so many people can have a different effect on someone.

Since getting that little nugget of information earlier this week and being able to put it into actual words last night there is a sense of relief, moving into acceptance. There has been situations that have come up at work and I find myself wanting to eat, almost as if I go on autopilot. I can see it. At work I am feeling awkward and last night on the skytrain ride home I was cataloguing what I wanted to eat and there was nothing on that list that was good for me. I caught myself and was able to interrupt the behavior and pattern. I feel a little bit like that baby that has been flying around the internet lately, who’s parents put glasses on her for the first time and she see’s clearly….the decisions I have made from schooling, to work, to friends, to relationships all make sense.

Now….here is the trap. It is easy to get stuck here, become complacent and not move passed this. This is not where I will stay. What do I do now? I grow, no matter how uncomfortable and awkward it feels. I am not alone. I have some pretty great friends and family. So what, I am awkward and say dumb stuff sometimes. If I offend someone I will apologize. Each day I get better with acceptance and love for myself. Doing the exercises in Molly’s “Love Your Body Challenge” in conjunction with this person 30 day challenge have helped me realize the wander and awesomeness that is my body. My post last month about not willing to feel or tolerate shame anymore continues. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me. If I have said or done something to offend someone, I will own that and clean it up. If you don’t like me because of all my posts about my journey or because I say/do dumb stuff sometimes, that makes you judgmental, which is fine we are all entitled to our opinions, but says more about you than it does me.

I am feeling free and more open to life than I ever have before. I feel empowered and a sense of confidence that I have never experienced before. I am ferocious for knowledge and am determined to make sound decisions that revolve around facts, not guidance based on social media. I purchased the latest edition of BC Business, it is a magazine. This type of magazine used to PUT ME TO SLEEP, my bff reads them all the time! I would have never bought a copy….EVER….Wednesday, I bought it and have read it cover to cover, I want more information. I want information and tools that are going to move me forward in life. I have goals and plans that for the first time I don’t doubt that they will happen I know they will. I am coming at my bucket list baby!

Yesterday was Day 25….I have gone 25 days without cookies, cake, pizza, chips, candy or any of the other foods I used to binge it eat. I have also gone 25 days without binge eating. The longest I have ever gone. I am not crazy enough to tell myself that it will never happen again or that I won’t ever eat those things again. I am sure I will, but this time it will be on my terms, not because I am avoiding dealing with or trying to stuff something.

Game on peeps!


Sexy In My Skivvies – Day 24

Day 24

Day 24

I am one tired chicka this morning. It took me forever to get moving!

I left work almost 2 hours later than normal last night, usually done between 4:30/5 and I didn’t leave until 6:30 yesterday! We were super busy at work so I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home and chill, but then I remembered my goals and the gym clothes already in my bag. Off to the gym despite my excuses and reasons. I decided to take the plunge and purchase the Polar FT4 watch, so last night I took it for a spin. It comes with a strap and monitor that you wear around your chest and the wrist watch. I was uncertain of comfort, fit, etc…, but it was perfect, didn’t even know the chest strap was there. It was interesting to see the difference in heart rate calculations and calorie burn on the watch vs. the machine. I chose to push myself last night and I did 40mins on the elliptical and holy man am I stiff today! About 20 mins in I held the grips on the machine and it clocked my heart rate at 156, I looked at my watch and it had me at 138. Towards the end, the machine had me at 148 and my watch had me at 128. I always set my weight when using cardio equipment because I would like to get as accurate calorie burn as possible. The machine had me at 203 calories and my watch had me at 354. Intrigued at the difference I am more inclined to focus on what my watch is saying vs. the machines. I then proceeded to do an upper body workout. An hour later I was heading home with over 500 calories in my session. I thought I was tired before!

I am finding it easier and easier to stay within my base calorie amount. I need to start to pay more attention to watching my protein vs. fats vs. carbs, also known as macros. There have been a couple times where I have nailed my macros and I am not battling hunger and times when I am out of wack and end up battling hunger. It is all a learning curve. I have 6 days left in this challenge. I have gone 24 days without cake, cookies, candy, chips, pizza, fries, or any of the other things that I binge ate. Since my struggle at a company function a week ago it has been no issue. We have had cake and doughnuts in our office and I didn’t even bat an eyelash or want a bite. It feels amazing to have that power back. It gives me a sense of confidence that I have not experienced before. I will be doing a separate post on my breakthrough this week. It has been juicy, delicious and filled with growth. I didn’t really fully get it until I was in a conversation with my boss yesterday and a sentence came flying out of my mouth and I heard the next “click” in the puzzle of my weight loss journey. For now….

Love Your Body Challenge Day 24

Because it’s resilient.

“Resilience is defined as:

1. an individual’s ability to properly adapt to stress and adversity
2. the ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever
3. the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens

Man! Is being resilient an incredible quality or what? ”

Mantra:  ”My body and mind are incredibly resilient.  They not only allow me, but encourage me to get back up after I’ve been knocked down.”

Action step:  Take 5 minutes to write about a time in your life where you’ve displayed incredible resilience.

Molly talks about her journey of resilience that I identify with. I have faced death and lived in a hospital bed for almost 2 weeks attached to more machines than I could count. I have undergone countless surgeries, but the one period of time that really stands out? The fall of 2013 was a horrible fall/winter for me, work was super stressful, as working in retail management is, my father suddenly passed away, my hair was falling out in clumps and sleep was not my best friend. Come January I walked away from the job and for the first time in my life had no job to go to and no plan of what next. We all have periods of time in our lives where we are knocked down to our knees. My grandmother always used to tell me “Sweetie, when life knocks you down to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray.” Not being terribly religious, I did take that as a time of reflection and what direction I was going to go. The person I am today is because of those times in my life. All because I chose to get back up.

This is one of my favorite clips to watch when I am feeling a bit defeated by life….

Sexy In My Skivvies – Day 23

Being sickI wish I was able to say that my absence yesterday was the result of something really fantastic and really awesome, but sadly….it was not. I was sleeping….mostly on the cold tile of my bathroom floor because something was doing an absolute number on my system. If I wasn’t on the floor I was in bed and then around 5pm I started to feel a little better so I moved to the couch. This morning I am still feeling a little off, but I can function as a normal human being for the most part.

I would like to say that I stayed on point with my nutrition yesterday, but the only thing that went into my system was water and a greens juice at about 7pm, so it was a wash. Fitness, well the strength it took to get myself up off the floor, I felt like a competitor in one of those strong men competitions. Today I have had breakfast with no rumblings, so I am hoping that I am in the clear. I will keep my water intake up and I am itching to get back into the gym for some cardio this evening. I will play it by year.

I know that I am used to sharing the ugly side of weight loss with you and I have also gotten to the source of the little black thundercloud that was following me around. As mentioned a large portion of one’s weight loss journey is dealing with the mental reasons behind the weight gain. When someone is overweight or obese it is because they are protecting themselves, the weight acts as a layer against the outside world. Monday afternoon I got a big piece of the “why” I built the layer of protection. It is something that I am still processing and moving through and it is not an easy chunk of onion to swallow let me tell you. I promise, in a day or two, when I have fully processed it, I will share it with you!

For now, I am healing my tummy from yesterday and working on getting my energy levels back up.