Fat 2.0…

PhotoWowie….wow….wow….

I have some sore legs this morning! I headed to the gym after getting my vote on yesterday and I amazed myself with my ability to do 1000m on the rowing machine. This was after 45 mins on the elliptical and a few other full body exercises. I loathe the rowing machine, that is why I am forcing myself to spend some time on it. A few months back I attempted 1000 meters on the rowing machine and gave up at the 10 min mark. Yesterday I finished 1000 meters in 8 mins and 37 seconds. Now, I am not heading to the Olympics or anything, but it was a great moment for me. Now the goal is to improve on that. I also cleared 14,000 steps on the ol’ Fitbit. My goal is to crack 15,000 before the weekend in over. I have not cracked 15,000 steps in over 8 months, so it is going to happen!

I am not weighing in at Weight Watchers this Saturday because I am heading out of town for the night. Want to know how the week normally goes when I know that I am not weighing in? It tends to go a bit sideways. I am not as strict with tracking what I am eating so points tend to go higher than normal. I don’t hold myself as accountable as I would if I was weighing in. Want to know how this week is currently going? The polar and complete opposite of that. That moment when you realize that the only one you are hurting is yourself. The lady who writes down the number in the little book, isn’t attached to whether it goes up or down. The fluctuation of that number is only a gage of the activities I have been participating in and I am the only one that is attached to what that number is. Being attached to the number is something I think I may always struggle with, to some degree. I have to keep reminding myself that even if I have a great week and the number goes up, there are so many reasons why and it isn’t a sign of failure. I just need to keep my focus on the habits, break the binge eating cycles, focus on exercise and don’t worry so much about what the number on the scale says because it will follow.

I also wanted to touch base on my use of the word “fat.” For a couple weeks now, I have been using that word more. We were adjusting our chairs, for ergonomics, in the office the other day and I said “These chairs are not fat girl friendly, booty be damned!” The look of horror on my co-worker’s face. I asked her what was wrong and I got the typical response. I smiled and shared with her that fat is just a word that I am trying to take away the stigma for myself. It is a descriptive word that carries a lot of weight and meaning for a lot of people, but for myself…. Yes, I have fat, but I also have hair, teeth and toes…doesn’t have any bearing on the kind of person I am or weather or not I think I am beautiful. I still struggle with it, when you are walking down the road and someone makes a comment or your dating pool becomes infinitely smaller because you live in a city where the focus is more on how your behind looks in a pair of Lululemon pants versus your personality and character. But…..I am getting better and better with the word and the definition of that word for me.

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Freedom!…

PhotsAnyone curious what my body is saying to me today?

Yesterday was a day of surprises. It is amazing the things your body will tell you when you take a minute, stop and listen. I noticed that I got used to operating with a certain level of discomfort, a muscle twitch or even indigestion. When you pay attention and inquire as to what may be causing the issue, you realize how much better moving through the day is when those things no longer exist. Yesterday, I went the whole day without indigestion, it was fantastic! I forgot what it was like to go an entire day without that sensation in my chest. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a severe case of indigestion, but merely my body’s way of telling me that something I am still eating, post gallbladder removal, now belongs on the no-fly list.  Sadly, I believe it is my favourite protein bars. Not eating one of those is one of the only things I can think of that I changed yesterday, so I am testing it again today and I gotta be honest, not terribly excited about eating one again to see, so I think I will simply go in search of a new protein bar that doesn’t cause me pain.

On the topic of eating yesterday, I did great up until I was packing my lunch last night. I made the decision a few weeks back to join Weight Watchers….again. I was packing and noticed that I still had 11 points left to eat for the day. I saw some yogurt covered cranberries and thought “Those can’t be that bad.” Made by this sweet older lady at her little shop in Fort Langley. I can read and pronounce the few ingredients that are on the list. I had eating about 10 when I thought that I am just gonna check the point value. OH SWEET JESUS!!! All of a sudden, that sweet old lady, was the witch from Hansel & Gretel. Her cranberry salad dressing is THE BOMB, but those yogurt covered demons are now being consumed by the security guards at work.

I headed to the gym after work, for the first time in about 6/7 months. It was the same lady behind the desk, she smiled and said, “Welcome back!” BUSTED, she remembered me. I smiled and told her that if she didn’t see me in an hour to send help. It was good to be back in the gym, I forgot how much I missed it. There is apart of me that feels like I half assed my workout, and there is a part of me that was just SUPER proud for going. My legs this morning are stiff and muscle sore, in the good way. I was on the elliptical for 30 mins, broke a nice sweat and then I saw it, a machine I loathe…..the rowing machine. Suddenly, as if my legs weren’t jelly enough, I found myself sitting down at it! For a few minutes, I heard a former personal trainer in my head “Thank your legs for sharing, let’s go” so away I went. I did 3 sets of 200m with a short rest in between and I beat my time each set! Thank you for being the voice in my head Emilia! I left the gym feeling accomplished and proud, that was when the voice set it “You could have stayed longer, pushed harder.” I reminded myself, that it was great to show up and next time I will come armed with a proper workout planned. Sometimes that battle you fight for yourself is the battle that goes on inside your head, the mental one.

My body is a happy stiff and sore one. I contemplated this morning, as I was packing my bag and typing this post, returning to the gym this afternoon. I stopped, listened to my muscles and we have happily agreed on a yoga DVD that I have here at home. I will do my best to contort my body into these bizarre positions that are supposed to bring to a deeper Zen.

No More Shame…

Excuse the chipped nail polish on the toes ;)

Excuse the chipped nail polish on the toes 😉

This is one of those posts that I have written, deleted, re-written, edited about 100 times since Sunday (you will see the date stamp in the photo). I am making a request as you read this post. Do not shame me, keep your opinions to yourself and if you have that little voice inside your head shouting opinions and comments, please keep them inside your head. Don’t be a troll…move along.

I have carried a lot of shame and attachment around the number that I weigh. There is 2 people in the universe that know “roughly” what my number is, but not the exact number. One of my favorite TV shows premiered last night for it’s 5th season, Extreme Weight Loss. I love this show for a mountain of reasons and if you don’t watch it, start. To start the journey they always weigh in, no shirts and shorts, sports bra only for the ladies. This weigh in takes place in front of their friends, family or a crowd of some sort. This has always made me uncomfortable and last night I was very present to the shame about my number and I drew a line in the sand and decided no more!

336. When you look at me do you see the number 336? No? Well, that’s how much I weigh. The reason why I want you to all see that number is because I want you all to see that that number no longer has a hold on me. I know that I have caused this number and all the struggles that it has brought. I am strong and will be victorious over this number. I am not a number on a scale. I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a best friend and a fighter!

Want to see more numbers?

Chest: 47” / Waist: 49” / Hips: 60” (thank you genetics) / R. Thigh: 34” / R. Calf: 19 ¾”

They are just numbers. They no longer define who I am, where I am going or what I am capable of. If you don’t like my numbers, that is fine, you have your own set of numbers, look at those ones instead.

I will no longer live inside of shame. I am going to take pride in my body and all that it is capable of. I am going to embrace my body of the glory and wonder that it has allowed me to experience. Now I am going to treat it with respect and start loving it the way it deserves to be loved.