Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

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Fat 2.0…

PhotoWowie….wow….wow….

I have some sore legs this morning! I headed to the gym after getting my vote on yesterday and I amazed myself with my ability to do 1000m on the rowing machine. This was after 45 mins on the elliptical and a few other full body exercises. I loathe the rowing machine, that is why I am forcing myself to spend some time on it. A few months back I attempted 1000 meters on the rowing machine and gave up at the 10 min mark. Yesterday I finished 1000 meters in 8 mins and 37 seconds. Now, I am not heading to the Olympics or anything, but it was a great moment for me. Now the goal is to improve on that. I also cleared 14,000 steps on the ol’ Fitbit. My goal is to crack 15,000 before the weekend in over. I have not cracked 15,000 steps in over 8 months, so it is going to happen!

I am not weighing in at Weight Watchers this Saturday because I am heading out of town for the night. Want to know how the week normally goes when I know that I am not weighing in? It tends to go a bit sideways. I am not as strict with tracking what I am eating so points tend to go higher than normal. I don’t hold myself as accountable as I would if I was weighing in. Want to know how this week is currently going? The polar and complete opposite of that. That moment when you realize that the only one you are hurting is yourself. The lady who writes down the number in the little book, isn’t attached to whether it goes up or down. The fluctuation of that number is only a gage of the activities I have been participating in and I am the only one that is attached to what that number is. Being attached to the number is something I think I may always struggle with, to some degree. I have to keep reminding myself that even if I have a great week and the number goes up, there are so many reasons why and it isn’t a sign of failure. I just need to keep my focus on the habits, break the binge eating cycles, focus on exercise and don’t worry so much about what the number on the scale says because it will follow.

I also wanted to touch base on my use of the word “fat.” For a couple weeks now, I have been using that word more. We were adjusting our chairs, for ergonomics, in the office the other day and I said “These chairs are not fat girl friendly, booty be damned!” The look of horror on my co-worker’s face. I asked her what was wrong and I got the typical response. I smiled and shared with her that fat is just a word that I am trying to take away the stigma for myself. It is a descriptive word that carries a lot of weight and meaning for a lot of people, but for myself…. Yes, I have fat, but I also have hair, teeth and toes…doesn’t have any bearing on the kind of person I am or weather or not I think I am beautiful. I still struggle with it, when you are walking down the road and someone makes a comment or your dating pool becomes infinitely smaller because you live in a city where the focus is more on how your behind looks in a pair of Lululemon pants versus your personality and character. But…..I am getting better and better with the word and the definition of that word for me.

Mindfulness…

PhotoWell….today you get another 2 for deal!

The last two days has been an exhausting …literally. I do not know what is going on, but sleep is all I have wanted. I got 7 hours of sleep Sunday night and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open yesterday. Then I did something I swore I would NEVER DO…I fell asleep on public transit, I couldn’t help it. I sat down and then next thing I know I am opening my eyes and the bus is pulling into the Skytrain station. Then last night I was snuggled in my bed and asleep by 8:30PM. Even this morning I am still feeling a little sleepy. However, today I feel more alert that I did yesterday. I am not certain what is going on, but I am listening carefully.

I had one of those really great Sunday’s where you do just what you need to do, like laundry and a little cleaning. Then the rest of the day was spent doing things that I wanted to do. Had breakfast with one of the besties, went for a walk, took a nap, did a little writing, some reading, some meal prep for the week, painted my nails and dealt with an eyebrow situation. I was calling it Self-Care Sunday and it was delightful.

For about ten minutes Sunday evening I felt a little guilty about what I had eaten and that I wasn’t tracking. When I realized any thing I had eaten wasn’t done out of avoiding a feeling or trying to escape something. I ate it because it was freaking tasty and I enjoyed eating it. I didn’t binge eat or over eat and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had an entire day where I ate mindfully. It was a unique experience for me and it made me smile.

Yesterday was a typical Monday at work, always busy. I was on point with my eating, which included a sandwich from Subway and even a little bag of chips. That is one of the things I love about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want, never leaving yourself feeling deprived or like there are foods that are “off limits.” It all boils down to choices, moderation and balance.

Today I am returning to the gym after I do one very important task…..VOTE!

Protein & Tuna…

Photo2Sleep, all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am getting all my days messed up with these daily posts! I wake up, get ready for work and type the post for yesterday before leaving for work, but sometimes I have so much to say about what has already happened in the 45 mins I have been awake that I get confused and forget that I have to wait till tomorrow to share it, because today ya’ll are reading about yesterday! Oi, it is to early for this today, my Keurig is making a weird sound as I am making my coffee for the commute to work and that has my worry mode in overdrive, because me without coffee…..I can’t even think #coffeeforlife!

Yesterday was a great day! I lugged all of my gym stuff to work with me in the morning and because of the late day the day before my boss let me peace out just before 2! It was super sunny and GOREGOUS outside. I was that annoying person on the bus humming. I got to the gym and there was hardly anyone there. I killed my cardio session and decided that I was going to do some upper body….stood there for about 5 mins feeling like a fish out of water. Quickly went to Pinterest, grabbed an upper body workout and went to town. In between I threw in some planks and that was when I noticed the voice inside my head going to town. I am not as strong as I used to be, you are using 10lbs weights, when you used to use 15’s or 20’s. You can only hold the plank for 30 seconds, you used to be able to hold a minute. You know that little drill sergeant that lives in everyone’s head that is always reminding you about how good or bad you are. How you can or can’t do something……an annoying little sucker it is. I just kept reminding myself that being there is what counts. Being in the gym, moving and working the muscles is what matters.

I left the gym feeling so pumped, I was so full of energy. Working out really is the best anti depressant. I grabbed some fruit, veggies and coconut milk and this is where things took a turn. Having my big gym bag and two heavy bags of groceries I decided to cheat and take the bus up the hill. Now….anyone who lives in New Westminster, BC knows that this is acceptable because it has A LOT of hills and some of them are quite steep, well….there was an accident after the first stop. I could sit and wait, but the litre of water I drank at the gym and my thawing frozen fruit had a different plan. I got off the bus and began the climb and the walk. I believe there was one or two text messages that went out to my friends and family about loving them because I was going to die. I made it and then this is where mistake number two happened. I had so many points left to eat in the day, I am always normally left with points, but I still had 27. So, I opted for a protein smoothie and a tuna melt, that was the mistake. That combination did not sit well in my digestive system at all. Have you ever experienced burping up a chocolate protein smoothie with tuna, yeah…it is worse than it sounds, take my word for it.

I have some sore muscles in my body this morning that are protesting excessive movement so…let’s see what today brings!

Ugh…

9c1ba1181d4be272404ae56f16dfb53bOk, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.

I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.

I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.

Let’s see what today brings….

Freedom!…

PhotsAnyone curious what my body is saying to me today?

Yesterday was a day of surprises. It is amazing the things your body will tell you when you take a minute, stop and listen. I noticed that I got used to operating with a certain level of discomfort, a muscle twitch or even indigestion. When you pay attention and inquire as to what may be causing the issue, you realize how much better moving through the day is when those things no longer exist. Yesterday, I went the whole day without indigestion, it was fantastic! I forgot what it was like to go an entire day without that sensation in my chest. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a severe case of indigestion, but merely my body’s way of telling me that something I am still eating, post gallbladder removal, now belongs on the no-fly list.  Sadly, I believe it is my favourite protein bars. Not eating one of those is one of the only things I can think of that I changed yesterday, so I am testing it again today and I gotta be honest, not terribly excited about eating one again to see, so I think I will simply go in search of a new protein bar that doesn’t cause me pain.

On the topic of eating yesterday, I did great up until I was packing my lunch last night. I made the decision a few weeks back to join Weight Watchers….again. I was packing and noticed that I still had 11 points left to eat for the day. I saw some yogurt covered cranberries and thought “Those can’t be that bad.” Made by this sweet older lady at her little shop in Fort Langley. I can read and pronounce the few ingredients that are on the list. I had eating about 10 when I thought that I am just gonna check the point value. OH SWEET JESUS!!! All of a sudden, that sweet old lady, was the witch from Hansel & Gretel. Her cranberry salad dressing is THE BOMB, but those yogurt covered demons are now being consumed by the security guards at work.

I headed to the gym after work, for the first time in about 6/7 months. It was the same lady behind the desk, she smiled and said, “Welcome back!” BUSTED, she remembered me. I smiled and told her that if she didn’t see me in an hour to send help. It was good to be back in the gym, I forgot how much I missed it. There is apart of me that feels like I half assed my workout, and there is a part of me that was just SUPER proud for going. My legs this morning are stiff and muscle sore, in the good way. I was on the elliptical for 30 mins, broke a nice sweat and then I saw it, a machine I loathe…..the rowing machine. Suddenly, as if my legs weren’t jelly enough, I found myself sitting down at it! For a few minutes, I heard a former personal trainer in my head “Thank your legs for sharing, let’s go” so away I went. I did 3 sets of 200m with a short rest in between and I beat my time each set! Thank you for being the voice in my head Emilia! I left the gym feeling accomplished and proud, that was when the voice set it “You could have stayed longer, pushed harder.” I reminded myself, that it was great to show up and next time I will come armed with a proper workout planned. Sometimes that battle you fight for yourself is the battle that goes on inside your head, the mental one.

My body is a happy stiff and sore one. I contemplated this morning, as I was packing my bag and typing this post, returning to the gym this afternoon. I stopped, listened to my muscles and we have happily agreed on a yoga DVD that I have here at home. I will do my best to contort my body into these bizarre positions that are supposed to bring to a deeper Zen.

I’m Fat…

FatI know the title is quite….blunt, at least it is for me. For the longest time I had this adverse reaction when ever anyone used the word “fat” around me. I would get ridiculously bent out of shape, anger and sometimes even rage would take over. I despised being called fat and would pitch a fit that could put a toddler tantrum to shame, then…

I saw this photo a couple weeks back and it started to percolate. Then I started thinking about women like, Tess Holiday, Whitney Thorpe and even Ashley Graham. For the record, I do not consider Ashley Graham fat in any way share or form, but bare with me, I have a point….I promise.  When these three women started to appear in social media, for the various reasons they did, I was irritated. I was not on board with what they were preaching to the masses. They were all talking about body confidence, body positivity, loving your body at any size and other varying forms of those messages. I was not “picking up” what they were “puttin’ down.” I would get bent out of shape and angry when people would ask me what I thought about their message. Then last week Tess posted on Snapchat and Instagram her experience with an Uber driver who was shaming her for her size. As someone has had that same experience, also the reason I will never set foot in a Royal City Taxi again, it really got me thinking. Tess fought for herself in that video. She didn’t post that video to shame him in return, she posted that video to show that this is not OK, shaming someone is not OK. I tried to remember when the last time I fought for myself was….it took a while to remember….

I don’t fight for myself, so much so that earlier this year it caused an argument with my best friend, where we didn’t talk for a week. If you know me and her you know that is like years in our world! She was fighting for me and my health and I wasn’t. I wait until my body is screaming at me before I do anything. Case in point, my gallbladder. I had so many symptoms but I ignored them. Work needed me, friends needed me, the new series I was binge watching on Netflix needed to be finished. I landed myself in the hospital for a week in more pain than I can ever explain. Then, in February my gallbladder came out, 3 days later I was back working from home,10 days later I was back at work, 6 weeks later I was back in the surgeon’s office getting a warning about my recovery.

So, I discovered this little nugget of insight and sat down in a session with my amazeballs counselor lady and the tears started flowing. Here is the thing. I am fat. I have excess weight, more than the average person. Me being fat is just a fact, it doesn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of doing things and it certainly doesn’t mean I am not beautiful. But…you have to stand up and fight for yourself and for your body. Fat people do, more so than others because when people see you, they love to jump to conclusions. They assume all your numbers like cholesterol and thyroid function are all out of wack. They assume that you are diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. I am not and all my numbers are in the perfect/normal range and I am taking that for granted, so I am going to fight for myself and stop waiting for my body to scream at me before listening.

The last time I remember fighting for myself was a year, may two years back, when I did a 30 Day Challenge with myself. I was dialed into my body functions, I was exercising regularly, eating in a way that was respectful to my body and I loved every day of that challenge. Then I stopped, because of a multitude of reasons and excuses. I am going to start that challenge over again, although, if I am honest the word challenge feels like I am setting myself up to fail already, so if you have any name ideas, feel free to chime in!

So get ready for daily posts, some funny workout selfies, and some uncomfortable moments of what fighting for yourself looks like!