It’s Not Easy…

2014_rosie_the_riveter_flexing_her_arm_muscles_we_can_do_itWOW! This is the only word that I can think of to describe this past week and a bit.

Last week I climbed into a taxi at 6:30am Sunday morning experiencing a level of pain I thought was going to kill me. I had gotten zero sleep the night before and no amount of Tylenol or Ibuprofen would touch the pain. The taxi driver was so sweet, he helped me walk into the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital where I spent the next 5 days high on a lot of pain medication and antibiotics, waiting for the surgery to have my gallbladder removed. To give you  a bit more perspective on the pain….I was in a room with 3 other people and talking with a lady who just had HER SPINE operated on and has given birth to 5 children said ” I would rather give birth, with no drugs, again or have this spine surgery a million more times than go through my gallbladder again.”

I was discharged late Thursday afternoon, with my irritated organ still intact. I was not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING from the minute I walked through the ER doors till Thursday morning when the decision was made to release me and schedule the surgery for a later date. That’s what happens when you are placed on the emergency general surgery list. Nothing to eat or drink because you can go into surgery at any moment. I kept getting bumped. Wanna know what happens when you put a fat girl in the hospital, where a majority of humans are at their most vulnerable and take away food, her one comfort…. She discovers a new layer of strength she never knew she had.

There were days that I laid in that bed and just cried. The nurse would come in and ask me what was wrong and I would look at her and just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, sad, etc” Whatever emotion was there I would say it. There was nothing they could do to help me, it was like an unintended session of extreme Exposure Therapy…..but I survived. I survived one of the most painful experiences of my life. I learnt that people that I previously would have bet money on coming to visit, didn’t and won’t. Also, people that you didn’t think would notice, call or text you everyday or they start calling every hospital till they find you once they find out you are in the hospital.

I learnt that I am one helluva strong woman that is loved, cared for and appreciated. Sitting on my bed just now reflecting on the past week and all of a sudden feeling that strength run through me, it made me smile.  It made me happy.

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The Dress…

The one that fit perfectly!

You can Google “Weight loss motivations tips” and 2.3 million results pop up. How do I know this? I did it and I scrolled through and read a handful of them, on many different occasions.  I have become a firm believer in that motivation needs to come from the inside, not some external source. If you are taking on your health and fitness for you, there are mountains of statistics that say you will be far more successful than if you are doing it for someone/something else. The other night though, I fell in love and decided to re-evaluate.

It’s been awhile since I have ventured out in public with being a carrier of, what feels like, the plague for most of February. I walked into a store and I instantly fell in love with this dress. Those that know me know I do not wear dresses. Special occasions, maybe, but being plus size I just never felt comfortable in them. However, this dress was a game changer for me. It was one of those dresses that I see in a magazine, cut it out and stick it in the “when I finally lose the weight” pile. The closer I got to the dress on the rack the more I fell in love. The color, the pleats, the fabric and the closer I got I saw the sale sign and then I saw that there were only 2 left! One was in my size and one was 2 sizes down. I tried on the one that was my size and instantly fell in love. I stepped out of the fitting room to check in the 3-way mirror and some other ladies commented right away. I could feel my cheeks changing color. I knew I was going to get the dress.

Then this little thought entered my head. “Get the one that is two sizes smaller, as a goal.” Now as someone that has repeatedly ignored that little voice in my head and smacked myself later for it, I went to the rack and it was gone. I was sad and was walking around the store contemplating whether to get the dress or not. A sales associate that was helping me in the fitting room told me that the woman, who was trying on the size I wanted, wanted to try on the size I was holding. It was a war of the dresses now! After 15 minutes of negotiations we traded dresses, much to the amusement of the store staff.

I marched off to the cashier before she could change her mind again and this is where I knew it was fate. The original retail on the dress was over $200 and I got it for $40!

I am now in possession of a dress that is 2 sizes to small and with an office full of over 300 doughnuts and goodies this morning it has never felt easier to walk away because I am going to wear that dress!