Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

Fat 2.0…

PhotoWowie….wow….wow….

I have some sore legs this morning! I headed to the gym after getting my vote on yesterday and I amazed myself with my ability to do 1000m on the rowing machine. This was after 45 mins on the elliptical and a few other full body exercises. I loathe the rowing machine, that is why I am forcing myself to spend some time on it. A few months back I attempted 1000 meters on the rowing machine and gave up at the 10 min mark. Yesterday I finished 1000 meters in 8 mins and 37 seconds. Now, I am not heading to the Olympics or anything, but it was a great moment for me. Now the goal is to improve on that. I also cleared 14,000 steps on the ol’ Fitbit. My goal is to crack 15,000 before the weekend in over. I have not cracked 15,000 steps in over 8 months, so it is going to happen!

I am not weighing in at Weight Watchers this Saturday because I am heading out of town for the night. Want to know how the week normally goes when I know that I am not weighing in? It tends to go a bit sideways. I am not as strict with tracking what I am eating so points tend to go higher than normal. I don’t hold myself as accountable as I would if I was weighing in. Want to know how this week is currently going? The polar and complete opposite of that. That moment when you realize that the only one you are hurting is yourself. The lady who writes down the number in the little book, isn’t attached to whether it goes up or down. The fluctuation of that number is only a gage of the activities I have been participating in and I am the only one that is attached to what that number is. Being attached to the number is something I think I may always struggle with, to some degree. I have to keep reminding myself that even if I have a great week and the number goes up, there are so many reasons why and it isn’t a sign of failure. I just need to keep my focus on the habits, break the binge eating cycles, focus on exercise and don’t worry so much about what the number on the scale says because it will follow.

I also wanted to touch base on my use of the word “fat.” For a couple weeks now, I have been using that word more. We were adjusting our chairs, for ergonomics, in the office the other day and I said “These chairs are not fat girl friendly, booty be damned!” The look of horror on my co-worker’s face. I asked her what was wrong and I got the typical response. I smiled and shared with her that fat is just a word that I am trying to take away the stigma for myself. It is a descriptive word that carries a lot of weight and meaning for a lot of people, but for myself…. Yes, I have fat, but I also have hair, teeth and toes…doesn’t have any bearing on the kind of person I am or weather or not I think I am beautiful. I still struggle with it, when you are walking down the road and someone makes a comment or your dating pool becomes infinitely smaller because you live in a city where the focus is more on how your behind looks in a pair of Lululemon pants versus your personality and character. But…..I am getting better and better with the word and the definition of that word for me.

Mindfulness…

PhotoWell….today you get another 2 for deal!

The last two days has been an exhausting …literally. I do not know what is going on, but sleep is all I have wanted. I got 7 hours of sleep Sunday night and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open yesterday. Then I did something I swore I would NEVER DO…I fell asleep on public transit, I couldn’t help it. I sat down and then next thing I know I am opening my eyes and the bus is pulling into the Skytrain station. Then last night I was snuggled in my bed and asleep by 8:30PM. Even this morning I am still feeling a little sleepy. However, today I feel more alert that I did yesterday. I am not certain what is going on, but I am listening carefully.

I had one of those really great Sunday’s where you do just what you need to do, like laundry and a little cleaning. Then the rest of the day was spent doing things that I wanted to do. Had breakfast with one of the besties, went for a walk, took a nap, did a little writing, some reading, some meal prep for the week, painted my nails and dealt with an eyebrow situation. I was calling it Self-Care Sunday and it was delightful.

For about ten minutes Sunday evening I felt a little guilty about what I had eaten and that I wasn’t tracking. When I realized any thing I had eaten wasn’t done out of avoiding a feeling or trying to escape something. I ate it because it was freaking tasty and I enjoyed eating it. I didn’t binge eat or over eat and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had an entire day where I ate mindfully. It was a unique experience for me and it made me smile.

Yesterday was a typical Monday at work, always busy. I was on point with my eating, which included a sandwich from Subway and even a little bag of chips. That is one of the things I love about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want, never leaving yourself feeling deprived or like there are foods that are “off limits.” It all boils down to choices, moderation and balance.

Today I am returning to the gym after I do one very important task…..VOTE!

Ugh…

9c1ba1181d4be272404ae56f16dfb53bOk, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.

I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.

I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.

Let’s see what today brings….

Life & Dating…

ec19307b201bb3ad13c0cbd8bc945f00_resizedI am not really certain where this post is going to go, as this topic is still percolating in my brain, so I hope this is clear…

So after making a declaration as I did recently, the universe has a funny way of having you start to see the different areas of your life where you have not been operating in the greatest manner. This past few weekends have been filled up with family visiting, time with girlfriends and lots of summer time activities. As happens with dear friends and my mother, the topic of boys, men and the world of dating naturally comes up. Having this past weekend to myself something became very clear…

I have been using men as a distraction to what was really going on inside my head and my with my body, much like I did with food. I would date men to fill a void or to validate myself, to make me feel whole, like a part of me was missing. Let me tell you this leads to dating some pretty interesting men. I’ve dated drug users, alcoholics, douchebags, toolbags and men that were in some pretty unique arrangements or living situations with their recently significant others. I have tolerated men saying some pretty mean and hurtful things to me in and out of the bedroom, things they may not have realized were hurtful or they did and didn’t care, either way I took it. I have dated men that worship a fuller figure and let me tell you, 90% of the time it is because of their own insecurities. The common theme with them all….none were emotional or mentally available! This doesn’t come as a big surprise, neither was I, despite the best lie I would tell myself. Well….not anymore.

As I start to process the life I have built inside of shame and work on removing those feelings I will be taking a hiatus from dating and relationships. Loving myself whole and complete is my number one priority and until I can do that, no man will be able to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because I am discovering what exactly that looks like.

Let me be clear, this is not a post intended to “man bash” or discredit some of the men that I have dated, that I know are reading this. Every human being in the world has their “stuff” to deal with, no one is perfect and we are all our own unique individuals. We processes our lives the best way we know how. You and I together at that time was not a fit, the friendships we have now, may change slightly and that’s ok. No one knows what the future holds!

A happily single EverShrinkingDiva signing out 😉

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I’ve Been Dating!

Grow a set of BALLS!

Grow a set of BALLS!

OK….this is a bit of a sensitive subject, a bit ranty and if you are finicky about language…consider this your warning.

I have openly shared myself on this blog and I make no effort to hide the fact that I am a plus size curvy girl. I love my curves and so far in the work I have done, my hips and my bootie ain’t going nowhere and I am proud of that! I am learning to love myself no matter the size, part of that is putting yourself out into the dating world. I have never had any problem meeting men. I have been asked out in coffee shops, grocery stores and other various venues. I have been on some really great dates and some really horrible dates, as have most women.

Before any date comes the pep talk of how beautiful I am, how he has already seen me, he is well aware of what I look like and I got this, so me and my curves go out on dates. Here is what I have discovered in the countless dates I have been on. Guys….love a curvy girl with meat on her bones in the bedroom or the comfort of their apartment, but out in public all they want is the woman who’s ass looks good in a pair of LuLu’s.

I have been seeing this one guy in particular for a few weeks. He happens to be a  nutritionist and in the process of becoming a personal trainer. I even remember having the thought “Wow, I totally judged a book by it’s cover because I thought guys like him only dated other perfectly fit human beings.” My bad. It shocked both of us how well we hit it off. Our days were filled with countless text messages, phone calls and long conversations getting to know one another. I knew he was making me twitter pated because I was not telling any of my friends about him, this is my tell-tale sign for, I like him.  Then I realized we had only been out in public together once, our first date.  So, I did what I feel any normal girl would do, I asked to meet out in public somewhere and was met with a “no” or a “it’s late let’s just hang at your place or mine.” When I began to gently press the issue I was met with the text in the photo.

I cried for about a day and then I began to think about it. What a M*TH#RF*CK!NG PU&&Y! So…for all those guys out there that prefer a curvy girl with meat on her bones but keep her hidden because you are embarrassed about what your friends or society might think… grow a set of BALLS! You don’t deserve her in the first place!

Every woman, no matter her size, shape, color, condition, race, age, and any other distinguishing factor, deserves to be treated with the same care and respect that she is treating you with. If you are ashamed or worried about what your friends think then you don’t deserve her. I pray she is smart enough to find someone man enough to treat her like the queen she is. As for the douche in this text…thank you for teaching me this lesson.

To punctuate my rant I found this amazing post on YouTube, enjoy!