Weekend Vibes…

Well I had the best of intention to write yesterday about Friday and today about yesterday and then the weekend happened so you are the lucky winners of a 2 for deal today!!!!

Friday was a good day, aside from the fact that my upper body was still being quite vocal about any sort of movement. The pain of lifting my coffee mug to sip every time, should show you all deep love and commitment to coffee. Then at around 3pm  I was informed that everything in my office needed to be up off the floor for the deep clean, floor scrub and wax that was happening over the weekend. I had a brief moment where I was going to shed a tear. I have a few heavy boxes, and some roller drawer units and then I remembered that I work in a warehouse with hundreds of employees including those in Shipping and Receiving, so you can guess what I did. YUP, I CHEATED! I asked a couple of the guys to give me a hand, know your limit is what I say! LOL. My body was that good sore on Friday.

I do my weigh in bright and early Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers and stay for the meeting if my schedule allows it. I should mention that due to the little voice inside my head, and some cheat days before I started this challenge I hadn’t been to a meeting in almost a month. I arrived and was greeted with a warm welcome back by the lovely lady that weighs you….shit she remembers me. I started with all my reasons and excuses about why I hadn’t been and then I realized, like my job, she has probably heard all the reasons and excuses for not showing up, so I looked at her and said “ Life happened, I cheated and I let the voice inside me head make a really big deal about it.” She smiled and said “Great, so let’s get our new starting point and move forward.” I remember stepping on the scale dreading the number. Thinking to myself that I am going to be starting all over again, back to square one, I am doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again and then I heard a giggle. I was looking at my feet, so my head quickly turned to the scale….. .4 lbs up. I looked at her and she laughed and said “I have peed more than that, go to the bathroom and come right back to me.” I looked at her confused but followed her instructions and heard some laughter coming from a couple ladies behind me. I returned a few moments later and I am officially up .2lbs….point two pounds. In my head I had gained at least 10lbs….nope the voice inside my head LIED…AGAIN….Shocking!

I sat down in the meeting and I admit I didn’t listen much to what was being said. I started to realize that my connection to what the number on the scale and what the lady writing that number down might think. It isn’t about the number, it is about the community. Fighting for yourself involves changing habits and thought patterns that no longer serves the life you are trying to create for yourself. As I was deep in thought I felt a lady next to me nudge my arm and I focused back on the leader and she had asked me to share what had happened at the scale. The rest of the meeting was spent talking about the mental game that weight loss is. Looking around the room at the 50 odd people sitting in there and each and every one of them have a similar conversation going on in there head. Feeling like you are a part of something and feeling like you are not alone is a very powerful experience. I almost wanted to cry.

I was able to lounge in bed this morning, sleep in, drink some coffee and now I am going to go for my “cheat meal” with the bestie and it is gonna be so good!

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Conspiracy….

The universe was testing my will yesterday morning! I slept through one alarm, rushed out of the house and then, in an effort to save myself 10 mins, I hopped on the skytrain where I sat….between stations….for 30 mins. Feeling a bit defeated I was tempted to turn around and go home, but instead I decided to come up with a plan B. I had planned on doing 45 mins of cardio and then a killer core workout, but as my time on the skytrain ticked on, I had to remove something, so the core workout got the axe.

I am not gonna lie…working out in the morning gives me this sense of satisfaction. It is done, off my plate and I don’t have to think about my workout for the remainder of the day. I get to come after work and relax, prep for the next day, maybe watch a tv show, write a post….kinda love it!

I spend a majority of today trying to come up with a whitty name, set some goals for this challenge I laid down yesterday…. and the bottom lines is ….I just want to get out of bed every morning, crush my workouts, eat healthy and mindfully, accomplish some things I have never done before, go on some adventures, explore and create some memories. No pressure, no shame, no sabotage just doing what I said I would and repairing the relationship with my body.  The only promise I want to make is to myself that starting with these 30 days my relationship with my mind and my body is more important than anything else. Without this healthy relationship I am unable to support and give back to others when my tank is on empty.

With the recent passing of Muhammad Ali, he had this one line that I have been hearing over and over again in my head this week “I’m gonna show you how great I am.” Living for a great life, not just any life. So….I am going to write everyday for the next 30 days as a way to stay accountable, it will mostly be health and fitness related, but there will also be some other little yummy tidbits thrown in!

Project 37 – Day 11

Almost...not really...beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Almost…not really…beat my bro in our family Fitbit Workweek Hustle Challenge!

Good Morning Peeps!

So…..I am super mad this morning and am currently trying to talk myself off a ledge, so what better place to do that than here with you. This morning was weigh-in and I was super excited to step on the scale. I stepped up my workouts, I ate well this week, there were a couple blips, not with bad food, but with a little snacking, but I stayed under 2000 calories EVERY day and my calorie burn was over 3000 all but 1 day, so WTF!?!?!

I have an angel vs. devil conversation going on on my shoulders right now. The angel…You added weight training this week that builds muscle, muscles weighs more than fat. The devil…yeah, but you missed Wednesday cause you were being a baby about your hip. The angel…you posted a 5.6 lbs loss last week, your body is just normalizing itself again. The devil…you slipped and fed me bread twice this week and we LOVED IT! MORE! The angel…stay the course, you can do this. Remember it is a marathon, not a sprint. The devil…just throw in the towel, you won’t ever do this. This is the back and forth going through my brain right now. I didn’t drink as much water as I should have, I have my “ladytime” right now. I didn’t sleep that well this week. My body and muscles are stiff and sore today so I know I have been doing the work. Was I 100% perfect this week with eating…no, but I was a solid 98%. The winning voice is going to be “Just breathe Nikki, stay the course.”

Today is Saturday, I don’t share everything on this blog, because it just isn’t appropriate….but let me say, yesterday sucked ass in a big big way. Despite having a shitty day when the urge to just EAT was overwhelming, I didn’t. I went to the gym and had a very sweaty cardio workout instead, then the bestie came over and we talked out my crappy day instead of eating. Today will be deep breathes, meal and exercise planning for next week. I will so also not be tracking today. I do have a cheat meal planned for dinner tonight and I am not gonna lie, I am kind of excited 🙂

Love: that I seem to be able to stop the urges to binge eat before they happen and the one time it started this week I was able to interrupt it quickly and swiftly before it turned into anything

Lesson #11: Deep breaths and a calm demeanor can go a long way. I have a bit of a habit of being able to go from zero to over reacting in about 2 seconds flat. Yesterday I was able to reign it in, listen to by gut and prepare my mind for some conversations that need to happen next week. I used to be really great and sweeping things under the rug, but one of the things I took on this year was stepping up and stepping out, this is all part of that.

This mornings 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

Project 37 – Day 8

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Good Morning Peeps!

Yesterday was a tough day, I don’t know if it was just the day or, as my female readers can understand, PMS kicking my ass! I was cranky and uncomfortable a majority of the day. I have developed a wicked blister on the back of my left heel and so when 4:30 rolled around, in my head I had the perfect excuse to go home. Then a thought ran through my brain….if I go home this early, I am going to binge eat. We are using exercise to interrupt the binge eating habits…so let’s get some blister Band-Aids and get our ass to the gym. Off I went and the day kept on giving…or at least my attitude did!

I was plugging away on the cross trainer, muscles loudly protesting from Monday’s assault, and I realized that my heart monitor was not registering on my watch! Dang it! Oh well, not a total loss or the end of the world. After my workout I head home to make my super yummy Green Goddess Smoothie, except I have a new Vanilla flavored Rice Protein powder….smoothie turns out GROSS! The struggle to expand your protein powder horizons is real sometimes! I am allergic to Whey, so my options are already limited, but this brand was GROSS…..drank a majority of the shake anyways because I don’t want to waste. Talk about an unsatisfying dinner. I also decided to watch some stupid television and went to bed WAY later than intended, so this morning I am tired and determined to not let my cranky attitude carry over.

Today we have a serious session at the gym planned, a new breakfast recipe on the docket to make tonight and early to bed!

Love: My tenacity. I have had quite a few people come at me with their concerns about my frequency at the gym and yesterday I started to doubt myself, but when I stopped and checked in with myself and my body, I feel amazing. Sure I have some sore muscles, but that is to be expected. Can’t stop, won’t stop unless my body tells me otherwise 😉

Lesson #8: *cue the scene from Happyness where Will Smith is talking to his son* If you want something in life, you have to go and get it period. Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you can’t or you shouldn’t. No one is going to hand it over to you. Go out and get it.

 

This morning’s 5 min dance party was brought to you by…

 

Project 37 – Day 6

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Breakfast & Macy (aka BEST dog EVER)

Sitting in front of my computer for almost 20 minutes having to talk myself into writing this post today, then I quickly remembered that this is a lifetime change, perfection is not the goal…

You’ll notice I was absent yesterday…well Saturday went a bit sideways and it carried over into yesterday. My anxiety about attending the party reached a peak late Saturday afternoon and with a lack of being prepared with food for the weekend I took the easy way out. The one thing I noticed is that I caught myself and put the food away. I got to the party and it was no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was a great group of people that made the anxiety disappear almost instantly. I did fine with the spread of snacks until about 10:30pm and that was right around when I was getting tired. First mistake was sitting in a chair right next to the snack table. On the plus side I cleared almost every carrot and red pepper off the vegetable tray. Then 11:30pm hit and my hand went into the chip bowl a couple times, so I quickly handed that to a friend of mine who moved it closer to her. Then there was a meat and crackers, then a couple of insanely delicious wings, and by a whole lot of grapes. By the time we got home at close to 1 o’clock both mine and the bestie’s tummies were full and unhappy. I stayed strong and I did not drink though, the thought did crossed my mind, I had a lot of fun without the alcohol. It was a really great lesson for me and practice. The anxiety is in my head and I noticed a lot about myself Saturday night and the snacking could have been WAY worse, but it wasn’t.

The only excuse for yesterday was tiredness. I had some early morning wake up kisses from Macy (black lab pictured above) that started shortly after 5am and periodically until 6:30am. It is like she knew, as soon as I fell back asleep she would come over and I could hear her breathing in my ear, she would nudge me with her nose. Despite the repeated attempts to tell her it wasn’t time to get up, she felt otherwise. Coffee and yummy vegan pancakes for breakfast, but then on my way home I made the decision to do my grocery shopping, mistake number two. NEVER shop for groceries when you are hungry or tired. So, this weekend was a lesson in preparedness.

I woke up this morning with my holiday Monday laid out that includes a trip to the gym with a new workout strategy I am going to test for the next few weeks thanks to a friend at the party who happens to be heavily involved in the fitness industry. I have 4 new recipes laid out for the week, 2 of which I will be making tonight!

Love: that I have friends that support and remind me everyday that life is all about learning and continually growing. They provide butt kicking’s when necessary and loving support when needed with a small hint of a slap upside the head because I can be quite stubborn at times!

Two lessons to make up for the missed one yesterday….

Lesson #5: If there is a conversation or situation that is causing you to stress or worry, the dialogue you are having in your head about it is a thousand times worst than it actually is or will turn out to be. I need to remind myself of this one on a regular basis.

Lesson #6: It doesn’t matter the age of anyone at a party….you can put on Justin Bieber and EVERYONE knows exactly who it is. I am convinced he might be taking over the world *shutter*, but in all fairness his new album has a lot of really catchy songs that get embedded in your brain!

Project 37 – Day 4

Good Morning!

PhotoGrid_1454784651341_resizedIt is Saturday morning and my brain is going a bit crazy I posted my starting weight on Wednesday with my first post. I have always liked weighing myself on Sunday’s. I found it was a great way to start the week, so I will be moving to Sunday’s, except for this week. I am attending a party this evening with the bestie and crashing at her house, so I won’t around my scale to weight myself in the morning. I stepped on the scale this morning, not expecting big things because it has been 3 days…I am still in a state of disbelief….my scale is broken…it is wrong…I moved it to different spots in my apartment, because it is just plain wrong. I climbed back into bed and had a bit of a conversation with myself. Down 5.6lbs…..gotta be wrong…what if it isn’t wrong? What if because of all the water, mindful eating, despite the struggle with my macros, it is possible in 3 days. I did go to the gym everyday, pushed pretty hard….ok fine. We’ll take it, but don’t expect numbers like this every week, first week is always big. I climbed out of bed, stepped on the scale one more time and sure enough….down 5.6lbs! Then a dance happened, then I did my Yoga DVD. It felt amazing to stretch out my sore and achy gym muscles! I crushed a Friday night cardio session, same workout as the day before, different machines and I didn’t match the burn….hmmm….I still killed it though. I came in at 1900 calories again yesterday and have decided that I am going to be ok with that because my body needed the fuel!

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit concerned about the party tonight. I am not big on the large groups of people, I get a bit of anxiety. Mostly, I am worried about the food temptations and doing everything in my power to steer clear of the food and I will also not be drinking. I struggle with the topic of alcohol. Sometimes I am good with a glass or two of wine and other times I just want to avoid it altogether. I know that this links back to my father who lost his battle with alcoholism. I also know that when I drink alcohol it shows up the scale. It would be super easy to isolate myself during these 68 days, have no social life and focus on the things I have laid out to accomplish. Trust me….I have thought about it, but that isn’t real life. Plain and simple. Stayed tuned for tomorrow to see how it goes!

Love: that my body still allows me to move and do some of the activities that I love to do. I watched a television show this week called My 600lb Life on TLC and holy man that was scary to watch! That was my worst nightmare in wrapped up in a big red bow. I utterly refuse to let my life get there and am grateful that my body still lets me move.

Lesson #4: Are you ready for this one….it doesn’t matter what song it is….doesn’t matter what you are doing….doesn’t matter how you are feeling….Beyonce has a song that will match what you need. I start EVERY workday morning with a 5 min dance party to get the blood moving and 90% of the time it is a Beyonce song. Beyonce and I have been through a lot together!

I like to think that this video is almost exactly what I look like dancing in the morning…

The Ugly Cry…

2015-10-15 22.22.17_resizedI am not entirely certain where to start with what is going on at the moment….

I have noted that something has been off with me since about early August, but I could never quite put my finger on it, so I just did the best I could to live my life ignoring the signs. Funny thing…when you ignore the signs the universe has a funny way of making them bigger and louder. Like one of those signs that lines the strip in Vegas…

Since early August I have been in the middle of a storm with work. It has probably been one of the toughest professional storms that I have ever been through, and it has brought up a lot of stuff for me personally. The great part is that it is all starting to work out at work. Conversations are being had, truths are coming out and the wounds are being healed. YAY! During this time I thought it would be a great idea to pick up Brene Brown’s new book Rising Strong. Yeah, I know…if you’ve been following me for some time, my history with Brene’s books is not that great because she sticks a knife right in and shoves it good and deep. Well, this time was no different, I read one sentence and I knew I was working on perfecting my art of “ignoring reality.”

“…hiding out, pretending and armoring up against life is killing us: killing out spirits, our hopes, our potential, our creativity, our ability to lead, our love, our faith and our joy”

My first thought was food is my armour. It is my way of shutting the world out and silencing what I have been ignoring. Food is my protection from the truth. I have been wafting in and out of protection mode a lot since August. Here is the other thing Brene said that really dug the knife in good and deep.

“Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back. Courage transforms our emotional structure of our being”

My successful 30 day challenge changed me. It showed me what I was capable of and it changed who I am at the core. For the first time all those little voices that told me “You can’t” were quiet.  I was happier, kicking ass, taking names, and living my life. Then the stuff at work started to creep in and I started to doubt and the downhill slide began, but occasionally I would surprise myself and stick my neck out and then go back into my shell, come out, go back into my shell. For a few weeks I have been in my shell, then tonight happened.

I was minding my own business checking out of reality with the TV show Nashville, binge watching (and eating) curiosity2-250x374Season 1 on Netflix. The character Juliette Barns made a comment about being alone, people always want something from you and then it happened… That pile of Kleenex is the result. It was an ugly cry…ladies…you know what I am talking about….that ugly cry where you have no conceivable explanation as to how your body could produce all that fluid, mascara stains all the way down your cheeks ugly.

The result….as I type this it is currently 2:03am and I would love to give you all of the details, but no one likes to read a blog post that long, including me. So here is the point form version….

  1. I trust no one, everyone will lie to get what they want and then leave. Yes everyone…my friends, my family, men…no one is immune. Food has been my only constant, it is all I have. This lie and belief I have wont go away overnight but there are conversations to have with people in my life to apologize.
  2. I am perfectly perfect. How I look, who I am… all 5’7, 300lbs of awkward me….is perfect. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

People love a good underdog story. Everyone loves to see the underdog come back and celebrate the victory, but no one likes to see the mess in the middle. No one likes to look at you when you are lying face down in the middle of the arena, covered in mud, trying to navigate your way out of the mud and the muck you create. People only want to read and be a part of the celebration, once you have risen. This is my journey and there will always be people in the seats telling me how to do it, and chirping their opinions… the cheap seats. I am walking into my story. I am acknowledging emotions and getting curious about them and how they connect to how I think and behave and then I am going to rumble with it. I am going to continue to get honest, I am going to share my struggle and challenge my behaviour and ways of thinking…then….I am going to write a new ending to my story.

First…I am going to finish this book which I recommend.

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