Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.
Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!
I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.
In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.
Ok, no one said that this journey was going to be all spring flowers and rainbows, but yesterday was one of “those days.” Life was definitely lifing. It was fire after fire, this person needed this, that person needed that and they needed it yesterday, because it happened the night before and they didn’t tell anyone till last minute….UGH! I start work at 6:45am and normally finish at 4:15pm and then tack on a 90 min commute each way….yes, you read that right, an HOUR AND A HALF and already I have some long days. Yesterday I didn’t leave till after 5, got home just after 7pm…you can do the math for how long I had till I had to go to bed, to get at least 7 hours before getting up and leaving for work again.
I was starving by the time I left work because I hadn’t planned food for staying that late. By the time I was on the Skytrain for the last stretch of my journey, I was cranky and all I wanted was food to stuff my face before climbing into bed. I was standing at the stop and there is an A&W right there, I could smell those french fries…..ugh “not going to make me feel better” was the thought that I had. So, I made my way home where I promptly had a salad with some chicken. As I sat on the couch all I was experiencing was frustration and disappointed that I didn’t get to do yoga. As I flipped through social media for a few minutes before bed, my disappointment turned to pride. I had controlled the things I could, the big one, being food. As someone that is and has been an emotional eater, I stuff emotions, I don’t experience them. I didn’t grab the fast food, or indigestion inducing protein bar, I went for the salad.
I keep having these old cliché sayings run through my head “Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “You got to learn to walk before you can run.” I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be perfect 100% of the time. This isn’t about perfection, this is about learning, growing, embracing and loving.
Let’s see what today brings….
Office view…it’s ok to be jealous 🙂
Spring has defiantly arrived in Vancouver! We have had some seriously amazing weather, quite a bit of blue skies and sunshine! Yes I may have a pretty amazing view from my office at work (it’s ok to be a little jealous!). Cherry blossoms are starting and you can just smell spring in the air. I know the rest of the country is being rocked with some freezing temperatures and have heard the terms “snowmaggedon” and “snowpocalypse” being thrown around….but….if you don’t live on the west coast….ce est la vie!
This week has been an interesting one. I will not be weighing in this week with Weight Watchers and I have known this since last Saturday. Tomorrow is jam packed with appointments and work with some amazingly fun people. Hey! If you are in Vancouver and looking for an wicked, fun show to go to, come see Chronixx at The Imperial…oh wait you can’t because he is epic and it’s sold out! But…..there may be some tickets at the door, so come see me anyways! Alas I sidebar….can you tell I am excited for tomorrow!
So….I was determined this week that despite not going to weigh in and attending the meeting I was not going to let that deter me. Well…somewhere around Tuesday afternoon this little voice in my head said “F*ck it! You’ll be fine if you just stray a little…come on…” And since then my days have been met with an overage of points and a cookie that upon calculation was a shameful amount of points. Here is the positive in all of this….I know that through this journey there will be back days/weeks/periods of time. I know that like things that are important to me, you have to schedule. 9:00am-10:00am Saturdays now has a permanent appointment in my calendar. The accountability of Weight Watchers, attending those meetings and knowing that someone is going to be writing down how your week was…WORKS! I got a bit cocky having had 2 successful weeks.
I woke up this morning….missing my boyfriend terribly because he has been so ill, upset about not having had the best week with eating, tired from crappy sleeps throughout the week and just a general not wanting to get out of bed. Like most people first thing in the morning I rolled over, grabbed my phone and saw my screen saver and it was a reminder “Unless you puke, faint or die…KEEP GOING!” I kicked off the covers and was up and having an early morning dance party with Beyonce before heading to work.
You can miss your boyfriend, not have eaten great, not have had a great sleep and be dealing with all the things that life is throwing at you, but you are the only that chooses your attitude and how you respond to it. You are 100% responsible for your attitude and approach to life, so check yourself when you are miserable because it is only your own fault and you can change it in an instant!
And…in case you need a little pick me up….