I’m Fat…

FatI know the title is quite….blunt, at least it is for me. For the longest time I had this adverse reaction when ever anyone used the word “fat” around me. I would get ridiculously bent out of shape, anger and sometimes even rage would take over. I despised being called fat and would pitch a fit that could put a toddler tantrum to shame, then…

I saw this photo a couple weeks back and it started to percolate. Then I started thinking about women like, Tess Holiday, Whitney Thorpe and even Ashley Graham. For the record, I do not consider Ashley Graham fat in any way share or form, but bare with me, I have a point….I promise.  When these three women started to appear in social media, for the various reasons they did, I was irritated. I was not on board with what they were preaching to the masses. They were all talking about body confidence, body positivity, loving your body at any size and other varying forms of those messages. I was not “picking up” what they were “puttin’ down.” I would get bent out of shape and angry when people would ask me what I thought about their message. Then last week Tess posted on Snapchat and Instagram her experience with an Uber driver who was shaming her for her size. As someone has had that same experience, also the reason I will never set foot in a Royal City Taxi again, it really got me thinking. Tess fought for herself in that video. She didn’t post that video to shame him in return, she posted that video to show that this is not OK, shaming someone is not OK. I tried to remember when the last time I fought for myself was….it took a while to remember….

I don’t fight for myself, so much so that earlier this year it caused an argument with my best friend, where we didn’t talk for a week. If you know me and her you know that is like years in our world! She was fighting for me and my health and I wasn’t. I wait until my body is screaming at me before I do anything. Case in point, my gallbladder. I had so many symptoms but I ignored them. Work needed me, friends needed me, the new series I was binge watching on Netflix needed to be finished. I landed myself in the hospital for a week in more pain than I can ever explain. Then, in February my gallbladder came out, 3 days later I was back working from home,10 days later I was back at work, 6 weeks later I was back in the surgeon’s office getting a warning about my recovery.

So, I discovered this little nugget of insight and sat down in a session with my amazeballs counselor lady and the tears started flowing. Here is the thing. I am fat. I have excess weight, more than the average person. Me being fat is just a fact, it doesn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of doing things and it certainly doesn’t mean I am not beautiful. But…you have to stand up and fight for yourself and for your body. Fat people do, more so than others because when people see you, they love to jump to conclusions. They assume all your numbers like cholesterol and thyroid function are all out of wack. They assume that you are diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. I am not and all my numbers are in the perfect/normal range and I am taking that for granted, so I am going to fight for myself and stop waiting for my body to scream at me before listening.

The last time I remember fighting for myself was a year, may two years back, when I did a 30 Day Challenge with myself. I was dialed into my body functions, I was exercising regularly, eating in a way that was respectful to my body and I loved every day of that challenge. Then I stopped, because of a multitude of reasons and excuses. I am going to start that challenge over again, although, if I am honest the word challenge feels like I am setting myself up to fail already, so if you have any name ideas, feel free to chime in!

So get ready for daily posts, some funny workout selfies, and some uncomfortable moments of what fighting for yourself looks like!

The Dress…

The one that fit perfectly!

You can Google “Weight loss motivations tips” and 2.3 million results pop up. How do I know this? I did it and I scrolled through and read a handful of them, on many different occasions.  I have become a firm believer in that motivation needs to come from the inside, not some external source. If you are taking on your health and fitness for you, there are mountains of statistics that say you will be far more successful than if you are doing it for someone/something else. The other night though, I fell in love and decided to re-evaluate.

It’s been awhile since I have ventured out in public with being a carrier of, what feels like, the plague for most of February. I walked into a store and I instantly fell in love with this dress. Those that know me know I do not wear dresses. Special occasions, maybe, but being plus size I just never felt comfortable in them. However, this dress was a game changer for me. It was one of those dresses that I see in a magazine, cut it out and stick it in the “when I finally lose the weight” pile. The closer I got to the dress on the rack the more I fell in love. The color, the pleats, the fabric and the closer I got I saw the sale sign and then I saw that there were only 2 left! One was in my size and one was 2 sizes down. I tried on the one that was my size and instantly fell in love. I stepped out of the fitting room to check in the 3-way mirror and some other ladies commented right away. I could feel my cheeks changing color. I knew I was going to get the dress.

Then this little thought entered my head. “Get the one that is two sizes smaller, as a goal.” Now as someone that has repeatedly ignored that little voice in my head and smacked myself later for it, I went to the rack and it was gone. I was sad and was walking around the store contemplating whether to get the dress or not. A sales associate that was helping me in the fitting room told me that the woman, who was trying on the size I wanted, wanted to try on the size I was holding. It was a war of the dresses now! After 15 minutes of negotiations we traded dresses, much to the amusement of the store staff.

I marched off to the cashier before she could change her mind again and this is where I knew it was fate. The original retail on the dress was over $200 and I got it for $40!

I am now in possession of a dress that is 2 sizes to small and with an office full of over 300 doughnuts and goodies this morning it has never felt easier to walk away because I am going to wear that dress!