Game of Life…

0acb2bdd8b9687e21a0f4984aeefcc19Ok, I have been distracting myself from writing this post for some time now and it is time to step off the hamster wheel. Yes…. I have not written for a few days now, no I did not completely fall off the wagon of eating, despite brain’s attempt to make me believe I am a lost cause lol.

Life happened and I am using every tool I am learning to work my way through the emotions of this game. I took a short solo trip over to the Island to get a tattoo, I was out of routine, I didn’t plan accordingly or ahead, however you’d like to look at it. I found myself getting quite frustrated until I realized that this is what happens. I spend so much time trying to plan things out, account for ever detail that I miss the beauty that is around me. I ate when I was hungry, I looked around for healthier options and despite there being a 7-11 store outside my hotel and my deep love of those giant sour keys, I didn’t go through that door. I wandered around Victoria and enjoyed what a crazy beautiful city it is. Despite my best attempt, I didn’t manage to hit my goal of 15,000 steps on my Fitbit, but it is on my target list for this week! I also managed to sit through 3.5 hrs of pure pain while my spine was tattooed!

I find that I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t about doing it perfectly. Nothing I, or anyone, does in life is ever going to be perfect, despite what society tells me, or us, it should look like. Am I trying my best? At the end of the day can I put my hand over my heart and say, “I did everything I could and I am happy with that.” That is my goal. If I can’t then what can I do differently next time, what can I learn. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what society thinks I should be doing, or what my friends or family think I should be doing, that sometimes I lose what I want to do.

In my mind I had it that fighting for myself was just about fighting for my health, making that the priority, but I am discovering that it is so much more than that. I am fighting for my life and what I want from it. I have spent so much time just….existing. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up for the first time, speaking my voice and figuring out what I want in this life of mine. It is both a terrifying and exciting feeling.

I’m Fat…

FatI know the title is quite….blunt, at least it is for me. For the longest time I had this adverse reaction when ever anyone used the word “fat” around me. I would get ridiculously bent out of shape, anger and sometimes even rage would take over. I despised being called fat and would pitch a fit that could put a toddler tantrum to shame, then…

I saw this photo a couple weeks back and it started to percolate. Then I started thinking about women like, Tess Holiday, Whitney Thorpe and even Ashley Graham. For the record, I do not consider Ashley Graham fat in any way share or form, but bare with me, I have a point….I promise.  When these three women started to appear in social media, for the various reasons they did, I was irritated. I was not on board with what they were preaching to the masses. They were all talking about body confidence, body positivity, loving your body at any size and other varying forms of those messages. I was not “picking up” what they were “puttin’ down.” I would get bent out of shape and angry when people would ask me what I thought about their message. Then last week Tess posted on Snapchat and Instagram her experience with an Uber driver who was shaming her for her size. As someone has had that same experience, also the reason I will never set foot in a Royal City Taxi again, it really got me thinking. Tess fought for herself in that video. She didn’t post that video to shame him in return, she posted that video to show that this is not OK, shaming someone is not OK. I tried to remember when the last time I fought for myself was….it took a while to remember….

I don’t fight for myself, so much so that earlier this year it caused an argument with my best friend, where we didn’t talk for a week. If you know me and her you know that is like years in our world! She was fighting for me and my health and I wasn’t. I wait until my body is screaming at me before I do anything. Case in point, my gallbladder. I had so many symptoms but I ignored them. Work needed me, friends needed me, the new series I was binge watching on Netflix needed to be finished. I landed myself in the hospital for a week in more pain than I can ever explain. Then, in February my gallbladder came out, 3 days later I was back working from home,10 days later I was back at work, 6 weeks later I was back in the surgeon’s office getting a warning about my recovery.

So, I discovered this little nugget of insight and sat down in a session with my amazeballs counselor lady and the tears started flowing. Here is the thing. I am fat. I have excess weight, more than the average person. Me being fat is just a fact, it doesn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean that I am not capable of doing things and it certainly doesn’t mean I am not beautiful. But…you have to stand up and fight for yourself and for your body. Fat people do, more so than others because when people see you, they love to jump to conclusions. They assume all your numbers like cholesterol and thyroid function are all out of wack. They assume that you are diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. I am not and all my numbers are in the perfect/normal range and I am taking that for granted, so I am going to fight for myself and stop waiting for my body to scream at me before listening.

The last time I remember fighting for myself was a year, may two years back, when I did a 30 Day Challenge with myself. I was dialed into my body functions, I was exercising regularly, eating in a way that was respectful to my body and I loved every day of that challenge. Then I stopped, because of a multitude of reasons and excuses. I am going to start that challenge over again, although, if I am honest the word challenge feels like I am setting myself up to fail already, so if you have any name ideas, feel free to chime in!

So get ready for daily posts, some funny workout selfies, and some uncomfortable moments of what fighting for yourself looks like!

Fat Shame…

fat shameOk this post is leaving me feeling quite exposed, so gentle….

I had heard through the grapevine regarding a new TV show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life, I am not big on the TV watching lately, but after receiving some injections into my scalp yesterday afternoon I wasn’t moving far from the couch, so I watched the first 3 episodes. I have provided a link below to give you some background on the show.

I went through a rollercoaster of emotions when watching this show, everything she is talking about, being a person of size in society is 100% accurate, I have had those exact thoughts. Then she made one comment…

“It’s hard to know that someone sees you and they don’t see a human being. They just see something disgusting, someone that doesn’t have feelings or isn’t worth anything. They have no idea who you are, what you are good at, what you can offer them.”  ~Whitney Thore~

A lot of people refer to this now as fat shaming. The last socially acceptable form of hate. This was tear inducing for me. Not a month ago I was in the gym that is in the basement of my office building. I was minding my own business, on the treadmill, when two men took it upon themselves to begin making fun of me, despite having hardcore proof that I was doing something about it. They don’t know me, don’t know my story, don’t now that I am in the gym almost every day. I receive emails and comments on my blog and social media from people sitting behind a computer screen that thinks it is perfectly acceptable to type mean comments and emails. To them, it is totally acceptable to verbally spew that poison for all to hear and see.

You can open any newspaper or TV news program and see the levels of hate filling the world. There are countless stories about people being bullied, mocked or made fun of for religion, size, clothing, sexuality, hair color or make-up. The difference is that when someone is being bullied for a majority of those, other people step in and say that it is not ok, or come to the aid of that person. Police get involved, charges are laid. When someone makes fun of you for size, people turn away or join in, police don’t get involved.

I am getting a lot better at letting these comments roll off my back, but there are times where, when I get home, tears are cried because words can hurt. I should add in that although I am focusing on fat shaming, making vocal snap comments/judgments about anyone for no reason is not ok. You don’t know that persons story, what they have been through. What does this still need to exist? Spewing poison regarding my size tells me one thing….you have been hurt and you want to make me feel bad so you feel better. I do not need to fight for the right to exist.

What do I hope people take from this? Everyone makes judgments, it is human nature. Keep them to yourself, period. You have no idea what that person has been through or what they are doing. If everyone approached with an open mind, you mind be surprised, so the next time you look at a person and you find yourself saying mean things either inside voice or outside voice, check yourself and ask why.