Weekend Vibes…

Well I had the best of intention to write yesterday about Friday and today about yesterday and then the weekend happened so you are the lucky winners of a 2 for deal today!!!!

Friday was a good day, aside from the fact that my upper body was still being quite vocal about any sort of movement. The pain of lifting my coffee mug to sip every time, should show you all deep love and commitment to coffee. Then at around 3pm  I was informed that everything in my office needed to be up off the floor for the deep clean, floor scrub and wax that was happening over the weekend. I had a brief moment where I was going to shed a tear. I have a few heavy boxes, and some roller drawer units and then I remembered that I work in a warehouse with hundreds of employees including those in Shipping and Receiving, so you can guess what I did. YUP, I CHEATED! I asked a couple of the guys to give me a hand, know your limit is what I say! LOL. My body was that good sore on Friday.

I do my weigh in bright and early Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers and stay for the meeting if my schedule allows it. I should mention that due to the little voice inside my head, and some cheat days before I started this challenge I hadn’t been to a meeting in almost a month. I arrived and was greeted with a warm welcome back by the lovely lady that weighs you….shit she remembers me. I started with all my reasons and excuses about why I hadn’t been and then I realized, like my job, she has probably heard all the reasons and excuses for not showing up, so I looked at her and said “ Life happened, I cheated and I let the voice inside me head make a really big deal about it.” She smiled and said “Great, so let’s get our new starting point and move forward.” I remember stepping on the scale dreading the number. Thinking to myself that I am going to be starting all over again, back to square one, I am doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again and then I heard a giggle. I was looking at my feet, so my head quickly turned to the scale….. .4 lbs up. I looked at her and she laughed and said “I have peed more than that, go to the bathroom and come right back to me.” I looked at her confused but followed her instructions and heard some laughter coming from a couple ladies behind me. I returned a few moments later and I am officially up .2lbs….point two pounds. In my head I had gained at least 10lbs….nope the voice inside my head LIED…AGAIN….Shocking!

I sat down in the meeting and I admit I didn’t listen much to what was being said. I started to realize that my connection to what the number on the scale and what the lady writing that number down might think. It isn’t about the number, it is about the community. Fighting for yourself involves changing habits and thought patterns that no longer serves the life you are trying to create for yourself. As I was deep in thought I felt a lady next to me nudge my arm and I focused back on the leader and she had asked me to share what had happened at the scale. The rest of the meeting was spent talking about the mental game that weight loss is. Looking around the room at the 50 odd people sitting in there and each and every one of them have a similar conversation going on in there head. Feeling like you are a part of something and feeling like you are not alone is a very powerful experience. I almost wanted to cry.

I was able to lounge in bed this morning, sleep in, drink some coffee and now I am going to go for my “cheat meal” with the bestie and it is gonna be so good!

Protein & Tuna…

Photo2Sleep, all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am getting all my days messed up with these daily posts! I wake up, get ready for work and type the post for yesterday before leaving for work, but sometimes I have so much to say about what has already happened in the 45 mins I have been awake that I get confused and forget that I have to wait till tomorrow to share it, because today ya’ll are reading about yesterday! Oi, it is to early for this today, my Keurig is making a weird sound as I am making my coffee for the commute to work and that has my worry mode in overdrive, because me without coffee…..I can’t even think #coffeeforlife!

Yesterday was a great day! I lugged all of my gym stuff to work with me in the morning and because of the late day the day before my boss let me peace out just before 2! It was super sunny and GOREGOUS outside. I was that annoying person on the bus humming. I got to the gym and there was hardly anyone there. I killed my cardio session and decided that I was going to do some upper body….stood there for about 5 mins feeling like a fish out of water. Quickly went to Pinterest, grabbed an upper body workout and went to town. In between I threw in some planks and that was when I noticed the voice inside my head going to town. I am not as strong as I used to be, you are using 10lbs weights, when you used to use 15’s or 20’s. You can only hold the plank for 30 seconds, you used to be able to hold a minute. You know that little drill sergeant that lives in everyone’s head that is always reminding you about how good or bad you are. How you can or can’t do something……an annoying little sucker it is. I just kept reminding myself that being there is what counts. Being in the gym, moving and working the muscles is what matters.

I left the gym feeling so pumped, I was so full of energy. Working out really is the best anti depressant. I grabbed some fruit, veggies and coconut milk and this is where things took a turn. Having my big gym bag and two heavy bags of groceries I decided to cheat and take the bus up the hill. Now….anyone who lives in New Westminster, BC knows that this is acceptable because it has A LOT of hills and some of them are quite steep, well….there was an accident after the first stop. I could sit and wait, but the litre of water I drank at the gym and my thawing frozen fruit had a different plan. I got off the bus and began the climb and the walk. I believe there was one or two text messages that went out to my friends and family about loving them because I was going to die. I made it and then this is where mistake number two happened. I had so many points left to eat in the day, I am always normally left with points, but I still had 27. So, I opted for a protein smoothie and a tuna melt, that was the mistake. That combination did not sit well in my digestive system at all. Have you ever experienced burping up a chocolate protein smoothie with tuna, yeah…it is worse than it sounds, take my word for it.

I have some sore muscles in my body this morning that are protesting excessive movement so…let’s see what today brings!

Soul Series: Habits…

268ed1bd3df5397b8e9ae0c8e0b41675_resizedI have spent a great deal of time observing, reflecting and pondering since my last post. Writing for me is therapeutic and I have come to realize that if I am going through it, then so is someone else, so I thought I would turn this into a bit of a series. I received quite a few responses to my last post and want to thank you for making me feel a little less crazy!

The one thing that keeps jumping out to me over the last couple days is….I am going to call them habits. I have these things that I do that are counter productive to what my soul needs right now. Allow me to list a few….I am FAR to attached to my phone and social media. This is not good for my mental health. I do way to much binge watching on Netflix. My current show is Friday Night Lights….if you haven’t watched it….two words…Tim Riggins….I need a moment…ok focus Nikki! I have noticed that I have started to replace shopping for over eating. I spend to much time by myself with my own thoughts, inside my head. We all have that little voice inside our head and when I spend to much time up there I compare it to a walk through a bad neighborhood. I can talk myself into and out of almost anything and it never shuts up. It will play both sides of the fence like two rival gangs having a turf war. As I shared in my last post I have been reading The Untethered Soul and here is a little exert

“You will come to see that the mind talks all the time because you gave it a job to do. You use it as a protection mechanism, a form of defense. Ultimately, it makes you feel more secure…you buffer yourself from life, instead of living it…” 

It is OK if that felt like a fire hot poker going through you, it did for me when I read the first chapter of this book! The list of these little habits of mine could go on forever. What do these all things have in common? They all allow me to check out, not be responsible and avoid living life.

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Goal = 3 books by January 15. Two personal growth books and one fun book

It would be really easy for me to sit here and say “NO MORE! AS OF TODAY I PROMISE…” but….been there, done that. I don’t want to promise that because past experience has taught me that is setting myself up to fail. I think for the next week the goal is to simply catch myself when I am doing it. When I catch myself checking my phone every 5 minutes, it goes into a drawer or another room and I am not allowed to touch it for 1 hour. I can binge watch my tv show a couple nights a week, the other nights are reserved for soul feeding activities like WRITING POSTS and reading. I have so many freaking amazing books I want to read…whole book shelf…full of them! One thing I am drawing a line on is the shopping. No more shopping because I am buying based on want, not on need. Lastly, I will be registering for a class in the new year and it will be around nutrition or writing, one of those 2 things. My goal here is baby steps. To begin to catch myself when the counter productive habits are ruling the nest and to interrupt the pattern.

What habits do you want to notice and interrupt along with me?

Have Not Been Myself….

change-quoteAs most of you are aware I have been M.I.A…

Thank you to those that have sent emails, texts and nudges…I am here.

I would like to be able to provide a valid reason for what has been going on, but truth be told…I have been hiding, keeping to myself.

I have been in my new home for exactly a month now and I am STRUGGLING to get into a routine. I have a longer commute to and from work, grocery stores and fitness facilities are not as close as they once were and I am adjusting to life in a very quite neighborhood. I went from living on the 3rd floor of an apartment building to ground level in a very beautiful house, and for a girl with an over-active imagination this has caused some very restless sleeps and frequent noise checks…in the middle of the night…with a weapon. I LOVE my new place and I don’t regret my choice to move one bit, but the transition wasn’t what I was expecting. Pile on top of that work has gotten CRAZY busy and has me awake at 5:00am dealing with clients and candidates and then it is a constant hustle throughout the day trying to keep up in some areas, falling behind in others…and for a perfectionist/Type A personality like me that is tough. A bit of a backslide in eating has also brought on the reoccurrence of some health issues that were resolved…

There it is…the whole ugly truth about what is going on in my brain. Then there is that little voice that is chirping away “Just plan better” or “Stop being a baby” or my personal favorite “Told ya you couldn’t do it, you suck at change.”

I am hoping that by finally coming out of hiding, sharing this with you, combined with some activities I have lined up over the weekend, this will start to have my head rest a little more steadily above water and I can stop experiencing the feeling of drowning.

I very much intend to restart my “Sexy in My Skivvies” challenge I just need to find my groove before that happens, but fear not it will return.

life-changes

 

Sexy in My Skivvies….

BeautySo as you can probably tell it has been a bit since I last wrote….

I will be the first to admit that I got sucked into the vortex of moving, change unpacking and adjusting. Then as I felt like I was finally beginning to surface I looked at the calendar and realized that in 24 hours I will be turning another year older. I will also be the first to admit that I spent about 24 hours in the “Great another year older and still I am not _____!” hole of despair. I can fill in that blank with about 15 words without batting an eyelash.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we think that at a certain age we have to be in this certain spot? Why do we put all that pressure on ourselves? Is our life not meant to unfold with each choice and decision preparing us to take the next step forward…towards, what we say is, our dreams?

I have never been clearer on my purpose in life, never been clearer on the direction that I am meant to go and a majority of the time I am perfectly content. However, when it comes to this year, this birthday, with all the change I have experienced I sat in the “Woe is me” abyss and have resurfaced after a short 48 hour period.

So…with my birthday in a short 24 hours what better way to kick off another year of life than with another 30 day challenge! This one will be called “Sexy in My Skivvies!” Same guidelines will apply, but there will be an addition of some ….homework. I while back I was sent a link to the “Love Your Body Challenge” by Molly Galbraith and I never completed it, barely started it. Although the focus is on living a healthy life it is also about loving the body you are in. So here it is…

Start Date: April 11 (I would say the 10th,my actual birthday, but come on…cocktails!)

Goal: To feel more confident, more beautiful and more sexy in your skivvies!

Eating: Clean and inline with my Weight Watcher points values – feel free to choose whatever program works for you

Fitness: A minimum of 30mins of exercise a day

Daily Habit: Complete Molly Galbraith’s Love Your Body Challenge homework for each day

One uncomfortable step forward at a time!

Let’s Go!

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Down & Dirty 30 – M.I.A this week…

Missing+in+Action+MIA+logoFirst of all….thank you to those that have sent me email’s inquiring about updates. I apologize for my disappearance!

I move in 3 sleeps and sadly my world at the moment consists of sleeping, working and packing! I am a bit of a Type A personality so I have been packing and purging through 9 years of stuff! I have also been color coding my boxes for easy sorting on the other end. I was speaking with the movers this morning and his response was “Really?” with a very shocked tone…

Unfortunately that has not left me much time for writing, which is a big missing for me. I find that when I write and share with all of you it helps me manage and deal with the stress and anxiety of this journey and all the change that is coming my way.

I am excited for the move, the new space, a fresh start and most of the warmth and peace and quite.

I have not been tracking religiously with everything that is going on, which has been a missing and I saw a gain this week on the scale at Weight Watchers, not a big gain, but as a result I am making a conscious effort this week to focus on healthy choices, despite not being able to cook (kitchen is packed) and tracking. Baby steps, my life is going in the right direction and so will the scale.

I promise come Monday I will have moved, packing will have started and I will be back stronger than ever!

 

Down & Dirty 30 – It’s Good to be Back….

Taren loves a good photo bomb!

Taren loves a good photo bomb!

So last night my behind received a whooping that it did not seeing coming. I have been thoroughly stripped of my ability to laugh and lift anything heavier than a t-shirt.

I wrote my post yesterday and was feeling a bit “ho hum” until I walked in for my training session and was promptly informed that Emilia was on a war path by the person she was currently finishing up training. Here is the great thing about the ladies at Seva Fitness. Taren is the loud in your face type. I make the worst faces when I find out that I am training with her! I commonly refer to her as a mini Jillian Michaels. Emilia is silent by deadly. Emilia is sweet and polite, but she will switch the weight without telling you or she will “forget” what number you were on and all of a sudden you have done double, but usually it is a calmer workout, which I enjoy. If I am honest, I enjoy working out with both, but it depends on my mood. To arrive and hear Emilia was on the war path, was a bit concerning.

Oh yes, yes she was. I was immediately told that if I am caught taking a break or rest I will have to do a 30sec to 1min plank. I was also learning some new exercises last night and if I was going slow or taking to long the whip was cracked. It was exactly what I needed. By the end of the workout I was more than ready for bed. I was feeling a bit bummed that with my impending move I wasn’t certain if I would be able to continue with them until Taren smiled and said “Fear not! I train Friday nights at a facility a 15min walk from you!” Taren….every week….oh lord give me strength….

Last nights session was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed to start moving forward again. I was reminded that I have 2 partners who will ALWAYS kick my ass whenever I am having a bad day or feeling riddled with excuses and can’t see my way out. All I have to do is reach out, text/call or schedule an emergency session.

Reasons and excuses only have as much power as you give them. We all give reasons or excuses a lot of power in different areas of our life that we use to prevent us from going after or getting what we really want. Go after what you really want and figure it out or sit on the sidelines and be miserable, your choice.

Fitbit stats March 19

Fitbit stats March 19

Down & Dirty 30 – 10 lbs of Fear….

ee5b5e735f34d6196ba87b176cd54ed2I have butted heads a couple times this week with a thought that I just try to push aside and ignore….

I have been attending Weight Watchers for just over a month now and I have yet to hit the 10lbs lost mark.

I come really close and then life happens and all of a sudden I have this really valid and great excuse. I talk with a few friends and I get the “Well you are packing and preparing to move, it is normal.” Till last night I was talking with my friend two provinces over and she said “So, you are bending and lifting etc….don’t let the food change!!” I am ever present at this exact moment to the true battle that comes with weight loss…the mental one.

I have spent a lot of time dealing with the emotional and mental reasons behind why I put on the weight. The weight is layers and layers of protection from the childhood bullies, an absent father and an overall belief in myself that I am not good enough. It is really easy to use all of those reasons as excuses. If you talk to any overweight person you will find that the layers of protection are there for a reason. Some people deal with life through eating, some drinking, some not eating at all.

Here is what I know about the last two weeks. I have had a total of 4/9 days where watching what I am eating has not been a priority. I have been dealing with a left knee that is only now starting to co-operate with movement. I have started packing and purging my apartment like a mad woman. Change is the word of the day on a regular basis, but I have not once caved and done any binge eating. Yes I have eaten a few things that are on the “no fly” list, but I haven’t once sank back into a black hole of binge eating abyss. This is a step forward for me.

Ruthless compassion. This journey is not about being done perfectly. That I am crystal clear about. For me it is acknowledging and reaching out when I am struggling or feel myself slipping backwards. Being compassionate with myself and not being such a drill sergeant. Also not allowing the same thoughts and patterns over the last 9 days to continue. I know that there are going to be some of you reading this, passing judgment. That is fine, pass away. To judge is human, but I hope that when you struggle and are sliding back into old habits that you embrace the judgment that others are passing along to you.

No personal journey is about being perfect. I want nothing more than to go back to how easy week 1 was, before life crept in. Right now with the move I don’t know that that is possible, but I do know that I can control the food that goes into my mouth and I can go for short walks and my newest idea….making a cardio dance party out of packing.

Acknowledge your struggles, no matter how frequently they seem to appear and slowly they have less and less power. I will pass the 10lbs lost mark by April 1. That is my promise.

Where are you struggling? What are you struggling with? Shoot me an email (evershrinkingdiva@gmail.com), message me on Facebook I am hear to listen and/or provide whatever help I can! Must be ok with no judgment, ruthless compassion and love.

Down & Dirty 30 – Day 11 thru 14

Universe & Oprah made no quams about sending me messages last week!

Universe & Oprah made no quams about sending me messages last week!

Yes I know I have been a bit M.I.A. I apologize! Here is why I have been missing in action…

Those that know me, know that I am a bit of a type A personality. I am also an Aries, which makes me a bit stubborn and I take my signs “Ram” like tendencies to an extreme at times. When faced with change I have been known to dig my heels in, resist and sometimes to the determent of my health tolerate way more than I should. All last week I was faced with so much change that the easiest thing for me to do was take a step back, watch my reactions and manage them. This was very difficult for me to do, because I could feel myself battle with wanting to dig my heels in and say “no no no no no no!” What are these changes??

I have been living in my current apartment for almost 9 years. I loved the neighborhood, it is in a great location and has a lot of character! Within the last 8-12 months quite a few things have been going on with my suite though. I have had issues with no heat in some of the coldest temperatures, black mold in the bathroom, peeling roof due to water damage and lost a few hundred dollars in groceries due to multiple fridge issues. In dealing with the building on these issues I had to/have to get quite forceful to get it dealt with. Some still haven’t been dealt with. I have had more cold/flu’s this season than I have in my life, although not souly due to this, but coming home to a cold moldy environment doesn’t help. I forced myself to make the decision to move and so I am…IN 2 WEEKS! I found and fell in love with the place so fast and I wasn’t expecting it to go that quickly and my new landlady is so lovely! I am so excited for the new space. I was then faced with having to have a difficult conversation with landlord, and start to look at moving….to a smaller space….with 9 years of accumulated stuff! The tears crept in a couple times.

So last week resulted in 3 days where eating well was not my top priority! I spent the weekend purging so much stuff that the guy at the Salvation Army next to me said “Wow! You come here lots this weekend!” I simply smiled and said “Still more to come!” I had to draw some hard lines in the sand about what I can take and not take with me as the space is a bit smaller. This is a huge change for me. There are changes going on at work, some other personal changes going on, all while also taking on changing my eating and exercise habits. Also last week I was dealing with a knee that was not having any part of exercise.

If there is one constant in life, it is change. Change for me was always met with food because I don’t handle change that well. Yes last week I let stress win a couple times and food slipped in as the way to appease the anxiety, but when I really look back….the food didn’t work. I have spent so much time healing my stomach from the poor eating that all it really did was give me a tummy ache and wicked heartburn. Shutting people out, didn’t work. Ignoring messages from my mom, didn’t work. What worked was talking through the stress/concerns/worry with a friend. Getting them out of my head and allowing them to contribute and support me through all this change.

The universe was pretty clear with messages last week regarding the change in my life. Standing in the line at the grocery store and going through some 90 magazines I have accumulated I was met with the messages you see in the picture. YES, UNIVERSE I GET IT! GET COMFORTABLE WITH CHANGE!

Yesterday evening I spent about an hour planning out the next two weeks. I planned out, packing, exercise, and meal prep. If I stick with the plan, that does have a week bit of wiggle room, I will be awesome come moving day. Change doesn’t need to be met with fear and anxiety, it can be met with open arms and an open heart which is my goal, not only in the next two weeks, but forever moving forward. I am unwilling to let my eating and exercise commitments lapse because staying focused on those while all of this is going on, will only help me handle the stress and anxiety that much better!

Packing & pruging of 9 years worth of stuff has begun!

Packing & pruging of 9 years worth of stuff has begun!

 

 

Down & Dirty 30 – Day 10

strength_motivational_quoteExcellent! My knee is feeling 95% better, despite the rest being frustrating beyond belief! It is funny to me that all I want to do right now is exercise! Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed getting caught up on The Voice the last two nights, but really I wanted to walk….run….move. I know I have talked about this before….there are so many benefits to regular exercise.

  1. Improves your mood – have you ever been in a bad mood and that bad mood continued after you went for a walk or spent some time punching a bag?
  2. Boosts energy – can’t begin to tell you how much more energy I had last week with exercising and eating right
  3. Helps to control different medical conditions
  4. Aids in weight loss and control – this one speaks for itself
  5. You sleep better – I have way more restful sleeps and wake up feeling better
  6. You have better sex – this one because more endorphins, boost in confidence…oh la la
  7. It’s fun – honestly what is better than being outside when the sun in shining! Walking/biking/hiking/rollerblading – take your pick of activities

Honestly…Google “benefits of regular exercise.” I’ll wait…..go ahead…..

You will probably come across the Mayo Clinic link where I pulled the above information from 🙂

Knowing that I haven’t been able to exercise I can control what goes into my mouth so that was where I was on point yesterday. I came in with 2 points to spare at the end of the day. Work on what you can control and let go of what you can’t. I just heard Van Wilder in my head…

Worrying-is-like-a-rocking-chair

What are you going to do for exercise today? What are you going to let go of? What are you going to give up so you can have better sex?!?! 😉

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